Ha

 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done:

The monsignor replied. "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

METROPOLIS CITIES

JTKColintmcClarkietownNashville TennesseeZombiearlWildcat PrideVerde CapeBournevilleCarthageThe Halls of AsgardThe Land Of PlentyMoncitoCity BeautifulDonneFinancial FreedomWillvilleFoofaaPort GreentreeMonsterIristownIzabelLinvilleGinjiopolisRingville TwoOld Trafford GreenWykydvilleLois Lane VilleGarryvilleJonvilleTrazlandJenny IslandAdanusAshworthvilleNolavilleQueenslandTrapalandiaSerenity BubblesDimberlyonPacers TownHamb UrgLithiumopolisPebblesKodatownOhpolisMarlboroJohannesburgBlumtownMassmaniaKayellBaan Non RhuaEnterprisonBinawahanaJeannies TownEnyoNicolas CityAstoriaIquitplayingsorryMuppet WorldReedalotChihuahua CentralJulevilleRenardChattahoochieThe Town of DaveRheidtStefanieBlondeopolisMain StreetTifaBipolarEdgePalmerlandDiamondzEaglesprideOmnopolisCity FioreJohnsenvilleNeissa LandAntiobamavilleStarz HollowRiyadhShaggy TownAnns HeavenNot PlayingSangga PridelandChalomot PazConstantinopolisDacevillaSun JettyChillas CityJacintoSatrianoDenvilleDefactoGreen BayCity ElielSuper FootballersSuper FootballersHappy XantaSorta EnchantedWitches RealmHeaven In TexasAlienopolisFlower City NYPrimmstownKyoutoCapricaNew CapricaBacon and EggsGlenmorangiePribovceHeaven GateBlueSmooktownZululogic Butts CitySnowbear CityLoss AngelessWax is for CandlesBreelandStevieleadomAriesburgWenzlerburgKmhdcdanceGoldenburgGolden DragonSilverdragoncitySilver Dragon CitySilver Dragon CitySilverdragonZoriacBlarneyZoricChina StreetEnchantedEnchanting FairiesCrabbsvilleGuildwoodGuildwoodsBohvilleEagle RaptorOxusPattylandPurrrfectThong townTurenki Rock CityBoondock CityAvery AnnePoznan CitySagar TownshipTinkGods Waiting RoomPenguinvilleImaginary CityImaginary CityImaginary CityKaragandaConjunction JunctionZolanta CityRikkopolisBettys Bedrock CityWelshpoolItsonvilleCaerusRussellvalleyClayton MissouriIndependencemissouriThe Pumpkin PatchVegasopolisMassimiSkyrimZerdonFrom Dusk Till DawnJonhsonNawaiiNathypolisNjdevilsNjdeviltownOmka RusDarius CityDreamlandLianoreBlack quirrelStormville MonumentNomadic GatheringsWallovsound HolyshitStandonRedemption AnnexMonte ZuluPeruziaBabylonxxxKevoooooClosed Due To HealthCream PieCheesevilleWozevillePoison GlenCaspervilleZootNFIBizzybvilleEdl NsPure ParadiseAnother TimeAgujero AzulCannablissUj VecsesThe Empire of VaderGaia Spot TownHomrtownTemptationCandylland ClosedDark Super Hero CityBump LandLizzyTiavilleSaving SomeTherighteyedeerChat Bar.  .

The coming Disney World Order (as envisioned by Edwin Zain)

- 1995: Disney buys ABC

- 2006: Disney buys Pixar

- 2009: Disney enters 30 film deal with Dreamworks

- 2009: Disney buys Marvel

- 2012: Disney buys Lucasfilms

- 2015: Disney buys National Geographic

- 2017: Disney buys 21st Century Fox

- 2018: Disney buys Hulu

- 2019: Disney releases Disney Plus  

- 2022: Disney buys Universal Studios

- 2025: Disney buys Dreamworks

- 2026: Disney buys Sony. Playstation rebranded as Disney Infinity. Playstation Network rebranded as Disney Universe.

- 2028: Disney attempts to buy Warner Bros, Warner Bros says no.

- 2028: Disney, tries to buy WB through shell corporations. WB finds out and gets hostile.

- 2030: Buys Apple. Apple Watch rebranded as the Mickey Watch. 

- 2030: The Church Of Baby Yoda is the largest growing religion in the world.

- 2030: Disney acquires a private military and starts corporate espionage on a large scale. 

- 2032: Disney storms headquarters of Warner Bros. Few die because of the electronic surveillance provided by the "Apple" products most employees of WB use.

- 2033: Disney buys DC comics. Mickey Mouse is now more powerful than Superman.

- 2034: Disney owns the majority of the copyrighted material. Buys off US, EU, and other major powers to honor unlimited copyright for corporate ownership. 

- 2035: Disney buys Microsoft. Disney Universe is now expanded further. Master Chief is now a Disney Princess.

- 2038: In the midst of negotiations, for takeover, Google launches escape craft. Departs solar system. Destination unknown. 

- 2040: Counter Disney efforts take place. The War on the Black Market starts.

- 2041: Disney claims that Black Market efforts are headed up by small studios. Starts forced corporate takeovers.

- 2042: "Terrorist" attacks on Disney starts.

- 2045: Nuclear explosion destroys Orlando Florida. Black Market Terrorists blamed.

- 2046: Hollywood turns into a war zone. All releases for the next 10 years are CGI due to die off of actors. Disney "Farms" start to raise next generation of actors. 

- 2050: Disney buys the United States of America

- 2051: The Disney States of America is born.

- 2052: Disney nukes Hollywood

- 2055: Disney States of America annex's Canada. South Park, an underground resistance to the DSN, releases an episode on the black market deriding the move. It's #1 most viewed South Park Episode of all time. 

- 2056: Creators of South Park are declared Terrorists. Manhunt starts. 

- 2057: Mexico resists annexation due to the cartels banding together.

- 2058 - 60: War in Mexico results in eventual annexation. South America becomes hot bed of resistance. 

- 2061: EU integrates into the DSA. Disney State of the World is born. 

- 2062: The UK joins the DSW. BBC is acquired. Doctor Who becomes a Disney Princess.

- 2065: DSW colonizes the Moon. 

- 2067: The Moon has its own government under the DSW. The Disney States of the Universe is born.

- 2069: Mars colonization efforts start. Political prisoners used for the initial efforts.

- 2074: The First Mars Civil War starts. Is put down quickly due to orbital strikes. 

- 2080: Mars colonization finalized. Disney Land Mars is opened.

- 2083: First mission to Titan is sent out. 

- 2086: Proposal for interstellar mission submitted. 

- 2088: Second Mars Civil War starts.

- 2090: The Creators of South Park are discovered to be behind the rebellion on Mars. Pluto Team 6 is sent out and they are dispatched. 

- 2091: Final resistance is quashed. Construction on Deathstar starts. 

- 2092: Total annexation of all remaining world governments is successful except for Switzerland. 

- 2094: First faster than light travel occurs. Exploration of close star systems starts. 

- 2097: Budding civilizations are found. Monoliths are used to "re-educate" the populations. Those planets are Annexed into the DSU.

- 2100: Disney announces new X-Men movie. Marvel fans are excited.

☠

Mathematics of Computing Your City's Indices

The Mathematics of Computing Your City's Indices (Updated 5/22/2019)Here is a comprehensive guide to the mathematics behind the indices used in Metropolis.

ACCOMMODATION INDEX (AI)

Formula: AI = (Total AI Points) / (Population)

City Effects:

- AI between 0.000 and 0.999: Increases Welfare Costs of your city by between 10 and 80% (I do not know the
exact cutoff values yet.)
- AI between 1.000 and 1.100: No effect.
- AI between 1.100 and 1.199: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 1%.
- AI between 1.200 and 1.299: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 2%.
- AI between 1.300 and 1.399: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 3%.
- AI between 1.400 and 1.499: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 4%.
- AI between 1.500 and 1.599: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 5%.
- AI between 1.600 and 1.699: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 6%.
- AI between 1.700 and 1.799: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 7%.
- AI between 1.800 and 1.899: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 8%.
- AI between 1.900 and 1.999: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 9%.
- AI at or above 2.000: Increases population gained in Daily Census by 10%.Building Effects: (AI Points, sorted from highest to lowest)
Burj Khalifa 34,500
Burj Al Arab 22,000
High-rise Apartment Building 1,955
Refugee Camp 1,725
Army Base 1,415
Micro-Apartment Building 1,208
Horizontal Skyscraper 1,121
Naval Base 1,001
World Renowned Hotel 900
Veterans Hospital 759
Abraj Al-Bait Tower 707
Modern Apartment Building 598
Air Force Base 564
World Renowned Resort 550
Cubic Housing 506
Little Italy 483
Habitat 67 437
Community Housing Block 351
World Renowned Army Barracks 345
China Town 345
Marine Base 322
Jail 288
French Quarter 230
Homeless Shelter 219
Metro Grand Mirage 210
Gated Community 207
Chateau Frontenac 175
Juvenile Detention Facility 173
Chateau Hotel 163
Apartment Building 144
Royal Mansour 140
Housing Co-op 138
Nursing Home 121
Sorority 121
Condominium 116
College Dormitory 115
Schloss Moosham 115
Fraternity 104
Luxury Beach Resort 95
Ski Resort 85
Hunting Lodge 69
Atlantis Hotel 60
Ice Hotel 60
World Renowned Space Station 58
Yester Castle 58
Commune 52
The Whitehouse 35
YMCA 35
Evacuation Centre 35
Small Beach Resort 32
Motel 31
Real Estate Company 29
Hot Springs Resort & Spa 26
Organic Farm 23
Backpacker's Hostel 23
Rehab Clinic 21
Camp Ground 21
Boutique Hotel 18
Trailer Park 17
Modern Flat 17
Transylvania's Castle 15
Summer Cottage 10
Country Inn 9
Villa 9
Voodoo Hut 7
House 6
Serviced Apartment 6
Bed & Breakfast 5
Frankenstein Castle 3
Witch's Hut 3
Dokkaebi Woods 2
Mayor's Residence 2
Gingerbread House 1
Grinch Cave 1
Bachelor Pad 1
Hermit Cave 1
Santa's Grotto 1
 

 CRIME INDEX (CI)

Formula: CI = (Population - 1200) / (Total CI Points)

City Effects: (Lower is better for this index!)

- CI between 0.000 and 0.999: No effect.
- CI between 1.000 and 1.099: Decreases city revenue by 10%.
- CI between 1.100 and 1.499: Decreases city revenue by 20%.
- CI between 1.500 and 1.999: Decreases city revenue by 30%.
- CI at or above 2.000: Decreases city revenue by 50%.Building Effects: (CI Points, sorted from highest to lowest)
Alcatraz 20000
International Criminal Court 12000
Burj Khalifa 10000
Chrysler Building 10000
World Renowned Army Barracks 10000
Jail 10000
Court House 10000
Pentagon 10000
Juvenile Detention Facility 6000
Scotland Yard 5000
Police Station 2500
The Whitehouse 1000

United Nations HQ	1000
Westminster Houses of Parliament	1000
Emergency Dispatch Centre	700
Tax Office	600
Emergency Response Coordinator	300
Police Kiosk	250
Army Base	150
Legal Aid Centre	150
The Four Courts	100
Naval Base	80
Air Force Base	60
Homeless Shelter	50
Marine Base	30
IT Security Company	30
Locksmith	25
Coast Guard Base	20
Security Company	15
Life Guard Service	10
Military Recruitment Office	10
Street Lighting	5
Wedding Chapel	5
Gas Station	-10
Grinch Cave	-30
Pawn Shop	-45
Pub	-50
Music Venue	-200
Red Light District	-420
World Renowned Banking Institution	-500
Casino	-2000

EDUCATION INDEX (EI)

Formula: EI = (Total EI Points) / (Population - 1200)

City Effects:

- EI = 0.000: Decreases city revenue by 30%.
- EI between 0.001 and 0.499: Decreases city revenue by 20%.
- EI between 0.500 and 0.899: Decreases city revenue by 10%.
- EI between 0.900 and 0.999: No effect.
- EI between 1.000 and 1.099: Increases city revenue by 10%.
- EI between 1.100 and 1.499: Increases city revenue by 20%.
- EI at or above 1.500: Increases city revenue by 30%.Building Effects: (EI Points, sorted from highest to lowest)
World Renowned Nature Reserve 20000
World Renowned Wildlife Reserve 20000
World Renowned University 17000
World Renowned Space Station 14000
World Renowned Law School 14000
Research University 14000
The Odd Public Library 14000
Trinity College Library 14000
Burj Khalifa 10000
Chrysler Building 10000
Public University 10000
Library of Celsus 10000
Private University 7000
Large Hadron Collider 4500
World Renowned Museum 3000
City Aquarium 2500
Small Cinema 2500
Natural History Museum 2050
Planetarium 2000

National Gallery	1250
Museum of Modern Art	1200
The Whitehouse	1000
United Nations HQ	1000
Westminster Houses of Parliament	1000
Radio Station	1000
TV Station	1000
Public Library	1000
City Museum	1000
Research Centre	600
Public High School	500
School of Arts	500
Community College	400
Music Conservatory	400
World Renowned Library	400
Military Museum	100
Newspaper Company	100
Private School	100
Think Tank	100
Vocational School	100
World Renowned National Park	100
Galapagos Island	100
Bibliotheca Alexandrina	60
Observatory	60
World Renowned Heritage Site	50
National Historic Site	50
Public School	50
Internet Service Provider	40
Nursery School	30
Olympic Stadium	20
Guggenheim Museum	20
Language School	20
Art Gallery	10
Broadway Theatre	10
TV Production Company	10
Toy Store	5
Botanical Garden	3
Book Store	2
Engineers & Surveyors Co.	1
News Stand	1
College Dormitory	-10

FIRE INDEX (FI)

Formula: FI = (Total FI Points) / (Number of Buildings - Number of Fire Hydrants - 100) -- Changed Mar 2014

City Effects:

- FI = 0.000: Fire risk of 10%.
- FI between 0.001 and 0.499: Fire risk of 8%.
- FI between 0.500 and 0.899: Fire risk of 6%.
- FI between 0.900 and 0.999: Fire risk of 4%.
- FI between 1.000 and 1.099: Fire risk of 3%.
- FI between 1.100 and 1.499: Fire risk of 2%.
- FI between 1.500 and 1.999: Fire risk of 1%.
- FI at or above 2.000: Fire risk of 0%.Building Effects: (FI Points, sorted from highest to lowest)
Fire Safety Authority 3,200
Fire Station HQ 1,000
Fire Station 500
Fire Safety Inspector 135
Emergency Response Coordinator 110
Emergency Dispatch Centre 100
 Small Fire Station 50
Fire Hydrant 4

HEALTH INDEX (HI)

Formula: HI = (Total HI Points) / (Population - 1200)

City Effects: (Note: Normal population growth rate = Divide population by 25,000, drop the decimal, and multiply

the result by 10.)

- HI = 0.000: Increases welfare costs by 80% and decreases city population during Daily Census by 4 times the

normal population growth rate.

- HI between 0.001 and 0.499: Increases welfare costs by 40% and decreases city population during Daily Census

by double the normal population growth rate.

- HI between 0.500 and 0.899: Increases welfare costs by 20% and decreases city population during Daily Census

by the normal population growth rate.

- HI between 0.900 and 0.999: No effect to welfare costs and no effect to city population during Daily Census.

- HI between 1.000 and 1.099: Decreases welfare costs by 10% and increases city population during Daily Census

by the normal population growth rate.

- HI between 1.100 and 1.499: Decreases welfare costs by 20% and increases city population during Daily Census

by double the normal population growth rate.

- HI at or above 1.500: Decreases welfare costs by 30% and increases city population during Daily Census by triple

the normal population growth rate.

Building Effects: (HI Points, sorted from highest to lowest)

Sanitation Plant 32767
World Renowned Nature Reserve 20000
World Renowned Wildlife Reserve 20000
World Renowned Hospital 11000
Burj Khalifa 10000
Chrysler Building 10000
Red Cross HQ 10000
Veterans Hospital 8200
Hospital 7000
The Whitehouse 1000
United Nations HQ 1000
Westminster Houses of Parliament 1000
Spa Center 1000
Pharmaceutical Company 400
Melanoma Centre 370
Chiropractor 310
Emergency Dispatch Centre 300
Paediatrician 300
Optometrist 290
Water Treatment Facility 285
Physiotherapist 260
Garbage Dump 220
Ambulance Station 200
Oncology Centre 195
Recycling Centre 165
Sports Pitch 160
Youth Sports Pitch 160
Children's Hospital 150
Residential Doctor's Office 150
Naturopathic Center 142
Acupuncture Clinic 120
Dental Surgery 120
Psychiatric Centre 120
Nursing Home 105
Gym 100
Dermatology Clinic 80
Olympic Stadium 75
Search & Rescue Team 75
YMCA 70

Bike Share Parking Lot	60
Homeless Shelter	50
Car Share Parking Lot	50
Skate Park	50
Soccer Stadium	50
Soup Kitchen	50
Rehab Clinic	45
Welfare Office	45
Organic Farm	40
City Pool	40
Marijuana Farm	40
Park and Ride	40
Ski Resort	35
Evacuation Centre	30
Community Garden	30
Cosmetic Surgeon	30
Martial Arts Centre	30
Medical Rehabilitation Centre	30
Trailer Park	25
Audiologist	25
Pharmacy	25
Farmer's Market	20
Morgue	20
Dog Park	20
Cricket Oval	15
Massage Therapy Clinic	12
Yoga Centre	11
X-Country Ski Trail	11
Hot Springs Resort & Spa	10
Life Guard Service	10
Electric Car Charging Station	10
Golf Course	10
Guinness Factory	10
Cycle Path	10
Hiking Trail	9
Baseball Stadium	5
Dance Studio	5
Ice Hockey Arena	5
Tennis Court	5
Vegetarian Restaurant	5
Sidewalk	5
100 Acres of Farmland	3
Surf School	3
Boating Lake	2
Curling Club	2
Botanical Garden	1
Ice Cream Shop	-2
Parking Enforcement Office	-2
Gingerbread House	-5
Hot Dog Stand	-5
Logging Company	-5
Greasy-Spoon Diner	-8
Belgian Beer Cafe	-10
Fast Food Restaurant	-10
Liquor Store	-10
Vaping Store	-10
Cheap Factory	-50
Cidery	-50
Concrete Plant	-50
Motor Racing Circuit	-50
Candy Store	-75
Incorporated Brewers Inc.	-100
Oil Well	-100
Power Plant	-100
Chemical Manufacturer           -200 International Airport -200 Plastics Factory -250 Factory Farm -320 Automobile Manufacturing Plant -500 Nuclear Power Plant -500 Shipyard -500 Tobacco Manufacturer -680 Refinery -1000 Refugee Camp -1600 Offshore Drilling Platform -3000 Rare Earth Mine -3200 Diamond Mine -4400

Thank you Brandon Valdez dor compiling this information.