FOR THOSE WITH CHILDREN

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Blonde

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. "No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!" "OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."