The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to Cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their Chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth.

For the next four hours Nick worked on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved and Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment Of 1000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.
The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story............Pay your bills.

Thanks to Rosie Benz for this!

Why, why, WHY!!??

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are hundreds of billions of stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that Art Van does NOT have a sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Cell phone survey

CELL PHONE SURVEY:

WHAT CELL SERVICE DO YOU HAVE?: Tracfone

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD IT?: Since November 2012

TYPE OF PHONE?: LG 430G

WHAT IS YOUR RINGTONE?: "Beyond the Dream"

HOW MANY TONES DO YOU HAVE?: 2, the rest are defaults

CURRENT WALLPAPER?: Super Football Player

FAVORITE WALLPAPER?: Batman as the Holy Terror

SCREENSAVER?: n/a

LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT SOMETHING W/ PHONE?: dunno

DO YOU HAVE VOICEMAIL?: yes

CALLER ID?: yes

HOW MANY CONTACTS IN ADDRESS BOOK?: 24

WHO IS THE FIRST PERSON IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK?: Brendan

LAST PERSON?: Wolfman

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?: family member

THE LAST PERSON TO CALL YOU?: Wrong number...no clue

SECOND TO LAST CALL?:  voicemail box

TEXT MESSAGES: HOW MANY IN THE INBOX?: five

OUTBOX?: six

WHAT DOES THE 3RD INBOX TXT SAY?: "Happy memorial day to you too! We had our Baby David! Here he is. May 25th"

THE FIFTH IN YOUR OUTBOX?: "That's cool"

LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED?: Luke

LAST PERSON TO TEXT YOU?:  wrong number

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TEXT?: Occasionally

COST PER TEXT?  .3 minutes

DO YOU TURN YOUR PHONE OFF AT NIGHT?: yea

WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY TURN IT BACK ON?: around 9am

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR CURRENT PHONE?: 50/50

FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR PHONE/SERVICE?: no contract

Do you know Jack Schitt?

Do you know jack schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins Deep and Dip.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken. Two of the other six children, Fulla and Giva, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Imagine that...

Let's walk on the...: moon

Let's look back at the...: day it all happened

What nice...: weather we have

Where did all...: the intelligence go?

Why can't we...: use our brains?

Why...: did i do this?

I feel like....: shit

I hate....: environmentalists, liberals, relgious douche bags like Pat Robertson

Sometimes I...: wish I was the only one alive

But I love....: virtually nothing

Why can't I...: stop gettin in fights?

Why can't we...: go our separate ways

I believe...: we'll all be screwed

Right now....: i'm annoyed

I will...: finish this

I will never...: admit to something I never did

Once...: upon a time...

Faith...: is based on tall tales

Love...: has disintergrated

Hope...: is kaput

Imagine...: life without people

Cheated...: on work in HS (only a few times and didn't get caught! :-) )

I can't help but to....: laugh whenever I see An Inconvenient Truth
When...: in the course of human events...

Never again...: will there be such hypocrites everywhere

I finally ...: have a new cell phone

There is ....: something I'm missing

We will all...: do something we regret

Everyone has....: secrets

Sometimes it is okay to....: "let it out"

I know.....: something you don't know and I'm not telling! Nyah Nyah Nyah!

I shouldn't....: take it seriously

You're....: not me

This survey....: was different

FAVORITE TEXTS (FROM TFLN)

• (651): The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
• (603): You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
• (413): I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
• (704): She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
• (920): I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers...what is happening to this summer?
• (406): I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
• (717): I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
• (770): Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
• (705): Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
• (314): sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
• (850): the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables hugging random people
• (615): This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
• (720): yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
• (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless.she's the topless tequila ninja
• (248): thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
• (612): i don't care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
• (508): I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
• (908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
• (860): We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
• (316): I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
• (718): Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
• (704): I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
• (253): Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
• (615): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
• (318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
• (530): Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
• (904): Champagne is a vitamin, right?
• (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
• (705): I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
• (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
• (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
• (540): LETS GO REDSKINS! (276): Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
• (859): While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
• (602)Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
• (780): No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
• (281): i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
• (765): That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
• (708): Less talking, more tequila
• (773): btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
• (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
• (512): Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
• (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
• (616): Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
• (224): It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
• (707): My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
• (+44): It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
• (651): how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
• (651): i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
• (281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
• (713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
• (810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
• (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
• (331): You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
• (517): She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
• (705): I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
• (978): I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
• (269): I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

The funny truth...

1. Republicans are like diapers: always full of shit. 
2. Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings, I let my wife sleep. 
3. Its not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
4. If Donald Trump ever looks confused, it's because he's thinking.
5. Baseball is the national pastime. It's just the kind of game someone deserves who has nothing better to do than to try to pass his time. 
6. I don't like going into general stores. They won't let me buy anything specific.
7. My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel.
8. Did you hear about the restaurant that opened up on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.
9. Sanity is relative, but NOT one of mine.
10. Political speeches are like steer: a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.
11. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, provided it agrees with me.
12. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... 
13. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. 
14. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely. 
15. If a man steals your wife, the best revenge is to let him keep her. 
16. Give me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a house full of dirt.
17. They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom. I believe it, because that's where I get the most resistance. 
18. The trouble with most families is that they have too much month left at the end of the money.
19. Some people are never successful. When opportunity knocks, they complain about the noise. 
20. Surprising fact: five out of three people have trouble with fractions.
21. Do lumber companies have a lot of board meetings?
22. Actually, it takes me one drink to get me loaded. Problem is, I can't tell if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
23. Patient: What's good for excessive wind, Doctor? Doctor: A kite!
24. Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
25. I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", but then I thought, "What the hell good would that do?"
26. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
27. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
28. I was stopped once for doing fifty-three in a thirty-five zone. I got off because I told them I was dyslexic.
29. My doctor has a great stress test. It's called "The Bill."
30. A boy threw eggs at Bieber and was arrested for disturbing the peace. No word on when Bieber will be arrested for existing.
31. If a quiz is quizzical, then a test is...?
32. I am having bad luck. The guy who was supposed to be working on my roof came down with shingles.
33. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
34. I have a friend called Sid who recently became the victim of ID theft. Now he's just S.
35. Don't worry if your a kleptomaniac. You can always take something for it.
36. When I was young, I wanted to change the world. Now I'm content with changing the channel.
37. If you dream in chocolate, I don't want to sleep in the same room with you.
38. We want what we can't have, which is why I don't want you.
39. Your efforts to change my mind failed. Better check the batteries in the remote.
40. The best place to admit you're wrong is when you are by yourself and no one can hear you.
41. I'm really trying to confront my issues with drinking, so please beer with me.
42. I feel the same way as the rest of you. With my fingers, mostly.
43. Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.
44. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
45. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
46. When a Jedi can't sleep, does he Count Dooku?
47. Dear animal lovers: what you're doing is illegal...
48. Never join a dangerous cult. Practice safe sects. PETA is a dangerous cult.
49. Crossing the road is like playing a piano. You have to C sharp or B flat.
50. Put Mexican booze in a birdbath if you want a Tequilla mockingbird.
51. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Sorry, I'm bipolar.
52. If you count on no one, no one will let you down.
53. Oh shit. I forgot the password on my moral code again.
54. I don't like chips from Kashyyk. They are a little too Chewie for me.
55. Darth Vader had his hand in destroying the right planet, but for Alderaan reasons.
56. You get what you give, which is why I don't give a shit.
57. If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?
58. No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early
59. I used to be conceited. Now, I'm perfect.
60. That bug up your ass allows me to hear everything.
61. Skydiving school is the only school where you have to drop out to graduate.
62. Why do people make mistakes when they are obviously not learning from them?
63. I don't ever recall having amnesia.
64. Sorry about the hole in your yard. I meant well.
65. Have the people who work for the March of Dimes ever heard of inflation?
66. For sale: broken quiz machine. No questions asked.
67. I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button
68. I would like to agree with you, but there's no point in both of us being wrong.
69. The only thing I'm taking for the team is a vacation.
70. Don't try to debrief me. I'm not wearing any.
71. Whoever said "words can't hurt you" hasn't been hit in the face with a dictionary.
72. Can't believe they haven't found a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake.
73. Something a person going in for surgery doesn't want to hear: 'Hospitals forced to make bigger cuts'.
74. What is your favorite mythological creature? Mine is an honest Republican.
75. The best way to get people dancing at parties is to hold up the line for the bathroom.
76. A house divided against itself is probably a duplex.
77. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
78. The best defense against logic is ignorance
79. Telling someone they are "one in a million" means there are 7,000 more of them out there.
80. Be a minimalist. It's the least you can do.

Zen thoughts!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.


6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.


16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short memory.


====================================



1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


2. A day without sunshine is like, night.


3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.


8. He who laughs last thinks slowest.


9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


11. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


13. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


14. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


15. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


16. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...


17. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


18. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


19. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.


20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines