KORRIBAN part 5 & 6

Korriban

Part V

History

New Sith Wars:

"Korriban is the ancestral home of the Sith. It is a place of great power; the dark side lives and breathes in the very core of this world."
―Qordis to Darth Bane

After capturing the planet from the Republic in a brutal battle, the New Sith Empire and the subsequent Brotherhood of Darkness both occupied Korriban, with the latter known to have operated a Sith Academy on the planet. A young Darth Bane studied there before becoming a Sith Lord. The apprentices that trained there were the ones that were to join the Brotherhood of Darkness, thereby the most powerful Sith being trained in the galaxy.

Clone Wars and the Galactic Empire:

In 24 BBY, a Sith Cultist by the name of Granta Omega tried to contact the remaining Sith Lord (or lords) in the galaxy. Although he did meet with the unknown Sith, Omega was killed by Obi-Wan Kenobi, though not before Omega killed Darra Thel-Tanis.

The world remained desolate until it was taken over by the Commerce Guild just prior to the Clone Wars, c. 24 BBY. Other than Guild employees, the planet was mostly inhabited by those who were unfortunate enough to end up on Korriban and have no way offworld. Eeth Koth led a Republic force to Korriban during the early stages of the war, and the battle cost the lives of many Clone troopers.

At some point in the Clone Wars, fallen Jedi Quinlan Vos and Tol Skorr were racing to find Darth Andeddu's holocron for Count Dooku. Vos won by allowing a Tuk'ata to scare Skorr off. As a reward, Count Dooku gave Andeddu's lightsaber crystal to Vos.

At some point near the end of the Clone Wars, Jedi Master Yoda was sent on a mission to Korriban, now alternatively known as Moraband, by the spirit of Qui-Gon Jinn to finish the work he had started and discover the purpose of life. While there, the dark side was used by Sith Lords Darth Sidious and Darth Tyranus to try and "break" Yoda and make the Grand Master turn to the dark side. They placed in front of him many visions, among them a demonic version of himself, symbiotic illusions of Order 66, the deaths of Jedi Mace Windu and Ahsoka Tano, the actual ghost of Darth Bane, and a cliffhanger duel with the two Sith alongside Anakin Skywalker. Although the experience was harrowing for him, Yoda was able to go to all that was laid out in front of him.

After the Clone Wars and the Great Jedi Purge, former Jedi turned bounty hunter, A'Sharad Hett was pursuing his bounty Resk on Korriban. After beheading him, Hett was called by the spirit of the ancient Sith Lord, XoXaan, who taught him the secrets of the ancient Sith.

Shortly after the Battle of Yavin, Palpatine, now Emperor of the Galactic Empire and the ruling Dark Lord of the Sith, visited the tombs of the ancient Sith Lords on Korriban that were still haunted by the ghosts of the long deceased Sith. He wanted to gain further knowledge of the dark side, but his demands only enraged the mummified Sith. Wounded and cowed, he was rescued by Jeng Droga and had to recover from the assault in a bacta tank on Imperial Center.

During this time, the Zann Consortium had the option of setting up operations on the planet for knowledge. During a pilgrimage to Korriban shortly before the Battle of Endor, Emperor Palpatine suffered an ambush from the Rebel Alliance's Renegade Squadron. After trapping him in one of the tombs temporarily, and suffering casualties in doing so, the Squadron were able to infiltrate his landing craft and obtain information about the second Death Star, information that would bring about the tyrant's fall.

A tomb intended for Darth Vader that, after his defection from the Sith before his death, was offered by the Sith spirits to Darth Sidious, was presumably erected sometime during this period. Another burial chamber was built for Naga Sadow thousands of years ago but was never occupied because Sadow died offworld.
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Korriban

Part VI

History

New Republic:

Kyle: "So we're going to Korriban, huh? Not exactly a vacation spot."
Jaden: "Korriban? Never heard of it."
Kyle: "It's the burial place of a whole bunch of Sith Lords."
―Kyle Katarn and Jaden Korr on Yavin 4

At 11 ABY, Palpatine visited the planet once again for the last time, in order to restore his decaying clone body. He conferred with the Sith spirits, who discouraged his decision to try and save his life, offering him a seat among their mummified remains, the tomb-throne reserved for Vader (the Emperor presumably had no tomb prepared for himself on Korriban because he did not intend to ever die).

Darth Sidious insisted that he should live, and the deceased Dark Lords informed him that, although his last body could not be saved, he could survive by using fresh Jedi blood, possessing the newborn Anakin Solo. He did not succeed in his attempt to do so, and lost his final clone body on Onderon shortly after.

Later, in 14 ABY a cult known as the Disciples of Ragnos arrived on Korriban under the leadership of the Dark Jedi Tavion Axmis of the Empire Reborn, hoping to resurrect the ancient Sith Lord Marka Ragnos. However, their plans were being slowly uncovered by several Jedi, most notably by Luke Skywalker, Kyle Katarn, and his two students: Jaden Korr and Rosh Penin. Eventually, the trails led the Jedi to Korriban. One of the greatest Jedi battles of the time, the Battle of Korriban concluded when Jaden Korr defeated Marka Ragnos's spirit in Tavion's body. Following Axmis' defeat, Imperial support was withdrawn and the Disciples crumbled.

Years later, Hett finally emerged from his long tutelage under XoXaan, intent on defeating Sidious and Vader, only to learn that they had been defeated and dead. Realizing he went through all that for nothing, he escaped into the Unknown Regions, determined to lose himself, where he met the Yuuzhan Vong.

The New Jedi Order also revisited the planet on other occasions. At one time, Luke Skywalker sent some Jedi Academy researchers to Korriban, where they discovered the logs of the Jynni's Virtue. The time codes on the log indicated it was recorded just before the Battle of Yavin, however they were found sealed in a 7,000 year old tomb.

Rule of the One Sith:

Korriban was apparently untouched by the Yuuzhan Vong War, as Darth Krayt and his One Sith used it as their headquarters starting around 30 ABY. Until 127 ABY, they remained relatively hidden, acting behind the shadows like Palpatine did.

In 40 ABY Alema Rar went to Korriban to train under the Sith in order to help Darth Caedus focus himself after the death of Lumiya. Alema Rar met the Sith where after some persuasion was allowed to stay for a little while. Alema trained there and received Darth Vectivus's holocron filled with useless data to give to Jacen. They did not believe Jacen was essential to their plan and ultimately believed he would fail as he was not strong enough. Alema disagreed and believed these Sith were hiding while Caedus, a true Sith, took hold of the galaxy. The next year, Kell Douro, an Anzat spy working for the One Sith, traveled to Korriban and met up with Darth Wyyrlok.

Some years before 44 ABY, Luke Skywalker had all navigation data about Korriban banned from Jedi computers, and had asked the Galactic Alliance to do the same. Despite this, enough information was found in ancient, locked-up records, allowing Luke, Ben Skywalker, Jaina Solo, and Vestara Khai to get to Korriban while looking for the Lost Tribe of the Sith.

In 137 ABY, Krayt returned to Korriban to demand to the ancient Sith Lords, Darth Nihilus, Darth Andeddu and Darth Bane to give him the teachings to heal him or at least slow down the Vong growths on his body, but the ghosts refused to give him aid. Their magic caused the Vong armor he wore to make him into a creature much like his namesake. The current Dark Lord refused to accept his destiny and dispelled the magic.

Months later, when Krayt was defeated on Had Abbadon and assassinated by Darth Wyyrlok, his body was entombed within the ancient Temple of XoXaan, kept in a stasis chamber so that the other Sith wouldn't suspect their master's demise. At the same time, Marasiah Fel was abducted and taken prisoner at the planet and Darth Maladi sent Darth Nihl to the planet to verify if Darth Krayt was still alive or if he was dead. The two Sith Lords had become disillusioned with Darth Wyyrlok's handling of the Order and the Empire.
Following the final death of Darth Krayt at the Battle of Coruscant and the subsequent collapse of Krayt's Empire, all of the Sith troopers housed on Korriban went berserk and attempted to kill everyone around them. Those Sith that could, fled, those who could not were slain.
- Exar Kun

KORRIBAN, PART 4

Korriban

Part IV

History:

Great Galactic War

"After a thousand years… Korriban is ours again!"
―Darth Malgus

In the aftermath of the Jedi Civil War, a fleet of Republic ships remained to guard the abandoned Sith world of Korriban. This remained until the onset of the Great Galactic War, when the reformed Sith Empire emerged and began conquering worlds in the Aparo sector as well as ambushed the Republic fleet in the Tingel Arm, as part of the Emperor's plan. In the millennium since the Great Hyperspace War, the Empire had lost the location of Korriban, but they regained it when the Sith Emperor dominated the minds of Revan and Malak.

In order to bolster their forces, the Republic pulled many of their ships to support the fleet which left only a small number of Jedi security ships to patrol Korriban. This action, however, had already been predicted and played right into the Emperor's hand. As the conflict continued, the Sith, knowing that the Republic Forces on Korriban were weakened significantly, staged an assault against the guarding ships and destroyed them thus returning the planet to Sith control, just as the Emperor planned, before the Jedi Council became aware of the incident.

Retaking Korriban had been a top priority for the Sith Empire, when it re-emerged during the Great Galactic War. After retaking the planet, they re-established the Sith Academy.

Cold War:

In the years after the Treaty of Coruscant, Korriban had become a major center of learning for the Sith Empire, the Sith Empire had seemingly built upon the tombs and the former Dreshdae, as well as uncovering many lost tombs and caverns.

At some point all Acolytes went through training here, seeking to become an apprentice to a Sith Lord or Darth, the typically brutal trials increased, often becoming trials where only one out of numerous Acolytes could possibly survive, the death count was astronomical.

The long practice of murder and betrayal among Sith had become illegal among Acolytes, even punishable by death, this did not mean such things did not take place though, as Acolytes would typically lay traps and ambushes in the tombs or caverns to remove challengers and potential threats, often placing blame on the beasts and crazed denizens of those same tombs.

Eventually the Sith Empire had become desperate in their search to replace those lost on the battlefield, allowing Force-sensitive slaves, captured Jedi and even aliens the opportunity to become acolytes and possibly join the Sith, becoming an apprentice.

At some point, two powerful beings, the Unidentified Sith Warrior and the ancient Sith Lord Kallig's descendant came to Korriban, though possibly not at the same time, and definitely not under the same circumstances, they would both pass their trials at exceptional speeds and become fully fledged Sith apprentices. They would then change galactic history, with one gaining a seat on the Dark Council and the other gaining the title of Emperor's Wrath.

Some of the Imperial soldiers stationed there were corrupted by the planet's dark energies and went psychotic, attacking their own comrades or everyone else that wasn't equally corrupted.

- Exar Kun
The Sith reclaim Korriban

KORRIBAN; PART 2 & 3

Korriban

Part II

History

"The call of Korriban is strong, but it is the call of the dead."
―Darth Sion

Infinite Empire

This remote, forbidding planet was the original homeworld of the Sith species. At some point prior to 30,000 BBY a Killik colony was established on Korriban, which eventually produced a Killik Sith Lord. The insectoid colonists were swiftly driven off, though, by the Sith.

The Rakata invaded Korriban in an attempt to integrate the world into the Infinite Empire around 27,700 BBY, intending to harvest slaves from the planet to be used for Rakatan projects. The sole artifact to survive this era was the ancient Star Map, around which the tomb of Naga Sadow was later built.

The Rakata were eventually forced off the world after the Sith King Adas led his people against them. Adas died in the battle, and thus, despite this victory, the Sith society crumbled, and, in the ensuing centuries of strife, the Sith relocated to worlds such as Arbra, Ziost and Tund using captured Rakatan vessels, leaving Korriban as a graveyard world populated only by religious fanatics.

The world was at least a nominal member of Xim's empire from around 25,126 BBY until its fall, and was given the name Pesegam.
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Korriban

Part III

History

Sith Empire

"Korriban, the birthplace of my power. I arrived as a Sith Acolyte, trained in the dark side; now, an apprentice to a Sith Lord. My rage has purpose. I will hunt the Jedi and destroy the Galactic Republic."
―Unnamed Sith Warrior

Valley of the Dark Lords

The Sith Empire was founded in 6900 BBY by exiled fallen Jedi fleeing the Battle of Corbos, which concluded the Hundred-Year Darkness. The fallen Jedi landed on Korriban.

Using their training in the Force, the fallen Jedi amazed the Sith and elevated themselves to god-like status on Korriban, becoming the rulers of the Sith people. As years passed, and interbreeding occurred between the Fallen Jedi and the Sith[8], the term "Sith" came to mean not only the original inhabitants of Korriban, but also their fallen Jedi masters. Until the rise of Naga Sadow, the existence of the Sith Empire was unknown to the Galactic Republic.

Under the pall of Sith magic, this desolate world became more hellish and dangerous.The Sith Lords erected huge palaces and burial complexes to honor their fallen Dark Lords. Circa 5000 BBY, the planet became an endpoint of the newly-formed Daragon Trail hyperspace lane, when it was discovered by Gav and Jori Daragon. This event triggered the Great Hyperspace War. After the fall of the Sith Empire, the planet lost much of its prominence in the galaxy, eventually falling off the galactic starcharts for a thousand years. Despite the belief the Sith as a species became extinct after the end of the war, isolated enclaves of Kissai and Massassi existed on the planet over a millennia after their empire's fall.

Old Sith Wars:

"Pfah. Korriban's a rock. Mind the Sith."
―Jolee Bindo

Korriban was resettled prior to 3993 BBY by Dark Jedi survivors of the Exar Kun War, and was home to the new settlement of Dreshdae and a Sith training academy. In 3993 BBY, as part of the Great Hunt, Duron Qel-Droma and Shaela Nuur died on the planet, failing to cleanse it of terentateks. The planet became the sector headquarters of the Czerka Corporation. Darth Revan and Darth Malak visited the planet on their quest to discover the Star Forge. After losing his memory, Revan visited the academy again in 3956 BBY on his quest to re-discover the Star Forge for the good of the Republic. Seeking the Star Map in Naga Sadow's tomb he passed the tests and then confronted Uthar. With the death of Master Uthar Wynn, the academy's headmaster, and Darth Malak himself at the hands of Revan in 3956 BBY, the Sith Order collapsed into a civil war (which took place 3956-3950 BBY) which decimated the Sith Order.

It took the Republic a couple of years to send an expeditionary force to Korriban (around 3954 BBY) in order to deal with any potential Sith who might attempt to take up the mantle of Dark Lord. They found a planet nearly in ruins—barren and lifeless as a result of the then unknown civil war. It was assumed by the commanders of the Republic task force that the remnants of the Sith turned on each other, vying for what little power remained. It was also said that Revan had always intended to return to Korriban one day to subdue any would-be Sith insurgents, but he then disappeared. However, the Republic discovered evidence that several Sith Lords did manage to escape the planetary conflagration, fleeing to remote corners of the galaxy.

After the fall of Darth Malak, the ancient tombs within the Valley of the Dark Lords were plundered by grave-robbers. Each tomb was once infused with the history and heritage of the old Sith Empire, containing great mysteries and powerful relics of the Force. Many broken, charred corpses littered the plains of Korriban during this time, virtually all that remained of the Sith who once inhabited the world. However, their malignant spirits remained, ready to confront any who disturb their rest by way of their guardian-familiars, the Hssiss.

In the chaos following the Jedi Civil War, which nearly destroyed the Jedi Order, Jedi Master Lonna Vash used Korriban as a hideout. She was eventually trapped and killed by Sith Lord Darth Sion in the ruins of the academy, and then used as bait to lure the Jedi Exile into Sion's hands. After escaping the trap, the Exile discovered the long lost tomb of Ludo Kressh.

KORRIBAN (PART 1)

Planet History: Korriban

Part I

Astrographical information:

-Region: Outer Rim Territories; Stygian Caldera
-Sector: Esstran sector (Sith Worlds)
-System:Horuset system
-Suns:1: Horuset
-Orbital position 2
-Moons 7
-Grid coordinates R-5
-Rotation period 28 standard hours
-Orbital period 780 local days

Physical information

-Class Terrestrial
-Diameter 16,890 km
-Atmosphere Type I (Breathable)
-Climate Cold and dry
-Gravity Heavy (1.4 standard)
-Primary terrain Mountains, Canyons, Dry riverbeds, Tombs, Ruins
-Points of interest Valley of the Dark Lords, Eternal Pyre, Valley of Golg, Sith Academy, Sith Citadel, Shyrack cave, Korriban Arrival Port

Societal information

Native species
Modern: None
Formerly: Sith, Terentatek, Shyrack
Immigrated species:Rakata, Theelin, Hssiss, Tuk'ata, Wraid, Human

Primary language(s)
Modern: Galactic Basic Standard
Formerly: Sith
Government
Modern: None
Formerly: Sith Empire, Magocratic dictatorship
Population
Historic (Sith Empire): 9.6 billion. 94% Sith 6% Other
Historic (Jedi Civil War): 25,000
Historic(Rise of the Empire era): few thousands
Modern (Legacy era): 1,000+
Demonym
Korribanian
-Major cities Dreshdae (capital)
-Major imports Foodstuff, High technology, Raw material, Weapons
-Major exports Sith artifacts
Affiliation Sith, Infinite Empire, Adas's Sith Empire, Xim's empire, Old Sith Empire, Brotherhood of the Sith/Exar Kun's Sith Empire, Revan's Sith Empire, Czerka Corporation, Sith Triumvirate, Resurgent Sith Empire, New Sith Empire/Brotherhood of Darkness, Galactic Republic, Commerce Guild, Confederacy of Independent Systems, Order of the Sith Lords/Galactic Empire, Empire Reborn, Imperial Remnant/Disciples of Ragnos One Sith/Darth Krayt's Galactic Empire

"Korriban shall be as it always was. A graveyard for the darkest of the Sith Lords, still whispering within their tombs. It shall always be a source of evil, spawning threats throughout the millennia."
―Darth Traya

Korriban, known as Pesegam during the reign of Xim, and also known as Moraband by the time of the Clone Wars, was the sole planet in the Horuset system, located across the galaxy from Koros Major. It was the original homeworld of the Sith species and a sacred planet for the Sith Order, housing the tombs for many ancient and powerful Dark Lords of the Sith, and containing immense dark side power.

After the Hundred-Year Darkness, the remaining Dark Jedi interbred with the Sith species and ruled the Sith using their Force powers. After the Great Hyperspace War, Korriban was abandoned and became a barren world. It was the site of a Sith Academy, and became the headquarters of the One Sith.

It was close to Bosthirda and was located on the Nache Bhelfia and Kamat Krote hyperspace lanes.

SURVIVING SOLAR STORMS: COULD THE 'SCORCH TRIALS' BECOME REAL?

In the recently released “Maze Runner: Scorch Trials” trailer, kids have to survive in a world destroyed by solar flares.

Some researchers are warning not all states in the U.S. will be ready for the threat of solar storms. Will your state survive a mega-blast from the sun?

According to research from The Pew Charitable Trusts, some states are taking steps to protect the power grid from solar flare damage, while others are not.

A major solar storm with an intense radiation burst from the sun can produce an electromagnetic pulse (EMP).  An EMP is a high-intensity burst of electromagnetic energy caused by the rapid acceleration of charged particles.

On the minor end of the spectrum, an EMP can create temporary radio blackouts and disrupt GPS navigation. On the larger scale, an EMP attack could devastate the US power grid and technological infrastructure sending the US back to the 1800s.

A near miss
Scientists recently revealed in Nature Communications that the Earth had a very near miss last year.
In early 2014, there was a giant solar eruption that scientists expected would strike Earth.

In terms of “space weather,” coronal mass ejections are like hurricanes. When these ejections happen, a billion tons of ultra-hot matter lashes out from the sun.

This one from 2014 was traveling at a speed of more than 5.3 million mph toward Earth. What would have happened if it made contact?  Well, if it had struck, then it would have triggered a very strong geomagnetic storm.

Scientists believe the sun's magnetic field unexpectedly deflected it away from Earth.

The consequences could have been serious.

In 1989, in the span of a few seconds, a coronal mass ejection blacked out the entire Canadian province of Quebec. The damage traveled to the United States as well as to New Jersey. It very nearly succeeded in shutting down the U.S. power grids from the mid-Atlantic through the Pacific Northwest.

Related Image

Expand / Contract

An X1.6 class solar flare flashes in the middle of the sun in this image taken September 10, 2014, in this image courtesy of NASA. (REUTERS/NASA/SDO/Handout)

The threat
Space weather is very unpredictable. While scientists may be able to identify when a coronal mass ejection will strike Earth, they cannot predict how powerful an impact it will have until it strikes.

The concern is that an EMP could disrupt the nation’s electrical grid.

If a solar flare collapsed the national electrical grid, it would create many problems for security.  Electricity and telecommunications would be unavailable for weeks and months. Other essential aspects of life could be affected as well from emergency services and sanitation to access to food and water.

The National Governors Association research on the threat identified that seventy percent of the country’s transmission lines and transformers are at least twenty-five years old. The research also revealed that 60 percent of the nation’s circuit breakers are at least thirty years old.

The researchers note that most electrical infrastructure was designed in the 1950s, making the larger system particularly vulnerable to solar flare disruption.

The Pew Charitable Trusts researchers reviewed the steps taken by the government to prepare for a solar flare and EMP event. They concluded that Congress has commissioned reports and held hearings about the dangers of solar storm events, but little action has been taken.

As a result, states have been implementing their own approaches to the threat. Some states have been introducing legislation to protect their critical infrastructure.

Legislators like Sen. Bryce Reeves, a freshman state Senator in Virginia, have been sponsoring measures to protect their home states against such threats.  Some states like Louisiana and Kentucky are taking steps to study the threat while others like Arizona have been taking action with initiatives to prepare the public.
According to the Pew research, EMP or solar storm-related legislation has been raised in eleven states, but only enacted in five since 2013.

SOURCE

TARIS

Taris was an urban planet in the fifth orbit of its star, located in the Taris system, within the Ojoster sector, of the Outer Rim Territories, in turn Taris was orbited by four moons, including Rogue. The term Tarisian was used to describe people and products from the planet. The planet's ecumenopolis quickly developed over a century of prosperity, and as a result the planet suffered from massive overpopulation. Once a galactic nexus, Taris' importance declined with the introduction of improved trade routes, and the planet rapidly fell into decay. The remainder of the planet's history was wrought with civil disorder and social unrest. As it turned to industry as a means of compensation for its economic troubles, its oceans became polluted, eliminating the planet's main food source. Famine spread among the lower classes while the rich hoarded what few supplies remained. The resulting strife led to the Tarisian Civil War, the start of lasting prejudices between the Humanocentric Tarisian nobles and the largely alien underclass. The city became segmented, and the lower classes were banned from living in the upper levels of Taris.

During the Mandalorian Wars, Taris served as a crucial rallying point for dissident Jedi who had decided to fight against the invading Mandalorian Neo-Crusaders. As the lower classes were crushed beneath the rich, crime became rampant, and the Tarisian government did little in response. This caused Lhosan Industries, a mining company which employed half of the planet's lower class in its operation, to leave Taris. The millions left unemployed rioted against the government, kidnapping the planet's senator in the Galactic Senate as well as the local constable. This caused the local Jedi to leave Taris as well, leaving the planet in a state of chaos, as the war raged on around it.

By the time of the Jedi Civil War, order had been restored, but swoop gangs and crime still held sway over the Lower City. During the war, Taris was conquered by Darth Revan's Sith Empire, which quarantined the planet in an attempt to capture Jedi Bastila Shan. As the search continued fruitlessly, the Sith leader Darth Malak, ordered the bombardment of Taris, killing countless civilians. This act had huge political repercussions for the Sith and changed the tone of the rest of the war, showing Malak and the Sith's true colors, the desire to achieve victory at any cost.

Over the next few millennia the planet managed to rebuild and recover from its devastation, though never reaching the extent of its former glory. Similar to other ecumenopolies like Coruscant and Nar Shaddaa, the upper levels were safe and secure, inhabited by the wealthy, while the lower levels were frequently plagued by gang warfare and inhabited by thugs and the poor.

During the Great Galactic War, Taris had become the subject to both Jedi and Sith plans; while the Jedi wanted to rebuild the planet to prove to the people of the Republic that they were strong enough to recover from such a disaster, and with it raise morale, the Sith sought to foil their plans, to prove that the Republic couldn't recover from such a thing.

LIFE TIPS

1. Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
 2. Most problems can be solved with nudity
3. Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex.
4. Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If family members/roommates hear your screams, they'll assume it's the movie.
5. Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
6. You will eventually all hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
7. At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost just about the same.
8. Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
9. If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
10. Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbours to pay for that privacy fence.
11. To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
12. If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
13. You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
14. You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.
15. If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
16. Eat cake every day because you know somewhere out there, it's someone's birthday and you need to show respect.
17. "How's phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can't ask on a job interview.
18. Have fun at job interviews by wearing an eye patch switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
19. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because your fingerprints aren't in the database.
20. Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
21. There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
22. "Grow a pear." - Best way to insult an apple tree.
23. It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
24. Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
25. Don't waste your money paying therapists when I'll tell you what's wrong with you for free
26. You will probably waste a solid year of your life just staring into the fridge.
27. Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."..in trouble again, sigh!
28. Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
29. If you want proof that all people weren't created equally.......get yourself down to a nude beach
30. If it doesn't include antidepressants, they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal
31. Just because you feel you ought to invite your in-laws over, it doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
32. A ceiling fan won't cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
33. if you're feeling mischievous when visiting a friends home, if you notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle, take a piece home with you.
34. Instead of doing laundry, just buy a second hamper...
35. Before you wash your socks,just throw one in the trash. Saves the bother of hunting for it later.
36. If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
37. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough
38. It's usually better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
39. I'm a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then you're on your own.
40. Miracles happen every day. I haven't choked the stupid out of someone today. See? Miracle
41. If a woman tells you that you're right.....that's called sarcasm.
42. Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
43. A human fart can be louder than an organ.I discovered that in church.
44. Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
45. I’ve found if you tuck one part of a trouser leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
46. To help you with your diet just blow the sugar off your doughnut.
47. If two doughnuts are stuck together it counts as one.
48. If you ever need nothing I am here for you
49. If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
50. You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
51. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
52. Vodka is made from potatoes, potatoes are vegetables, and vegetables are good for you. You're welcome.
53. Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
54. Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
55. The police never think its as funny as you do.
56. You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
57. Always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than you pictured them when you were ordering
58. If I pat you on the back, there's a 99% chance that I'm only using you as a napkin
59. Never make plans until you know how you're going to get out of them
60. To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
61. Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart
62. Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
63. I usually don't argue with my doctor but I don't think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term
64. Announcement: "Boobytrap" spelled backwards is "Partyboob". Carry on...
65. Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
66. Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath
67. The difference between me & normal people is the normal
68. Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
69. I don't think you can call yourself an adult until you can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.