Things Dogs Must Try To Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

LIFE

1. A northern fairytale begins, ''Once upon a time...'' A southern fairytale begins, ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...''
2. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
3. 3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions
4. If you don't know what the hell your doing, leave it the fuck alone
5. There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos
6. Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos
7. When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
8. If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words
9. Boredom is when you check the fridge over and over hoping that something amazing will appear
10. Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion
11. No matter where you live, there’s always one light switch that doesn’t do anything
12. Once I realized that you can buy trophies, I became good at everything!!!!
13. Raisins that look like chocolate chips, is the reason why I have trust issues
14. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
15. Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? Cuz if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
16. When a women says "what", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
17. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
18. I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
19. You know you're all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge
20. To the woman in Walmart I saw with the 7 screaming kids, if your wondering how that box of condoms got into your shopping cart "You're welcome"
21. Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
22. Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available
23. I'm not saying lets kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying lets remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
24. It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train
25. Don't trust the heart. It wants your blood.
26. A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice
27. Napkins used after eating hot wings should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter what!!
28. Just get hoarders addicted to crack. They'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved
29. My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction
30. Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
31. Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
32. People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section. Or drive. Or run for public office. OR BREED.
33. How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
34. There’s something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it’s lunch money
35. I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
36. If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us

The American Nightmare...

A white man and an elderly Native man became pretty good friends, so the white man decided to ask him: What do you think about Indian mascots? The Native elder responded: Here’s what you’ve got to understand. When you look at black people, you see ghosts of all the slavery and the rapes and the hangings and the chains. When you look at Jews, you see ghosts of all those bodies piled up in death camps. And those ghosts keep you trying to do the right thing.

But when you look at us, you don’t see the ghosts of our little babies with their heads smashed in by rifle butts at the Big Hole, or the old folks dying by the side of the trail on the way to Oklahoma while their families cried and tried to make them comfortable, or the dead mothers at Wounded Knee, or the little kids at Sand Creek who were shot for target practice. You don’t see any ghosts at all. Instead, all you see is casinos and drunks and junk cars and shacks.

Well, we DO see those ghosts and they make our hearts sad and they hurt our little children. And when we try to say something, you tell us to "Get over it! This is America! Look at the American dream!" But as long as you’re calling us Redskins and doing tomahawk chops, we can’t look at the American dream, because those things remind us that we are not real human beings to you. And when people aren’t humans, you can turn them into slaves or kill six million of them or shoot them down with Hotchkiss guns and throw them into mass graves at Wounded Knee. No, we are not looking at the American dream. And why should we be? We still haven’t woken up from the American nightmare.

from: Native American - Honoring our Ancestors, Culture & Spirituality (https://www.facebook.com/NativePrideAndSpirituality)

Drunken texts

The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts


1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? "
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don't do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.


2) Predictive "Cock-ups"


The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

"Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue)


"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)


"Ready and raping to go!" (raring)


The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

It was inevitably written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''


"Can't wait to be licking your puppy" (pussy)


"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"


"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)


"Gassy new year!!!" (happy)


"come on over... I have wind" (wine)


My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

"I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!" (rides)


"Put your coal into my puppy" (cock & pussy)


I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)


Whilst preparing for a play:
"Have you got the rapist ready yet" (script)

"Spank me when u get here" (Prank)


3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:


"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?"


4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"


It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won't and she will have the evidence in her inbox


5) "Family texts"

Doesn't happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to "fitties" in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or "Danni" alphabetically.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn't speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

And the worst case...Text sex!!!

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!


6) "Shit, fuck & bollocks text!"

The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.

Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

"Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?"

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door


7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!


8) "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!


10)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"

11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What's your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to Cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their Chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth.

For the next four hours Nick worked on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved and Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment Of 1000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.
The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story............Pay your bills.

Thanks to Rosie Benz for this!

Why, why, WHY!!??

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are hundreds of billions of stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that Art Van does NOT have a sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Cell phone survey

CELL PHONE SURVEY:

WHAT CELL SERVICE DO YOU HAVE?: Tracfone

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD IT?: Since November 2012

TYPE OF PHONE?: LG 430G

WHAT IS YOUR RINGTONE?: "Beyond the Dream"

HOW MANY TONES DO YOU HAVE?: 2, the rest are defaults

CURRENT WALLPAPER?: Super Football Player

FAVORITE WALLPAPER?: Batman as the Holy Terror

SCREENSAVER?: n/a

LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT SOMETHING W/ PHONE?: dunno

DO YOU HAVE VOICEMAIL?: yes

CALLER ID?: yes

HOW MANY CONTACTS IN ADDRESS BOOK?: 24

WHO IS THE FIRST PERSON IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK?: Brendan

LAST PERSON?: Wolfman

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?: family member

THE LAST PERSON TO CALL YOU?: Wrong number...no clue

SECOND TO LAST CALL?:  voicemail box

TEXT MESSAGES: HOW MANY IN THE INBOX?: five

OUTBOX?: six

WHAT DOES THE 3RD INBOX TXT SAY?: "Happy memorial day to you too! We had our Baby David! Here he is. May 25th"

THE FIFTH IN YOUR OUTBOX?: "That's cool"

LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED?: Luke

LAST PERSON TO TEXT YOU?:  wrong number

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TEXT?: Occasionally

COST PER TEXT?  .3 minutes

DO YOU TURN YOUR PHONE OFF AT NIGHT?: yea

WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY TURN IT BACK ON?: around 9am

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR CURRENT PHONE?: 50/50

FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR PHONE/SERVICE?: no contract