Things Dogs Must Try To Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

LIFE

1. A northern fairytale begins, ''Once upon a time...'' A southern fairytale begins, ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...''
2. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
3. 3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions
4. If you don't know what the hell your doing, leave it the fuck alone
5. There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos
6. Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos
7. When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
8. If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words
9. Boredom is when you check the fridge over and over hoping that something amazing will appear
10. Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion
11. No matter where you live, there’s always one light switch that doesn’t do anything
12. Once I realized that you can buy trophies, I became good at everything!!!!
13. Raisins that look like chocolate chips, is the reason why I have trust issues
14. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
15. Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? Cuz if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
16. When a women says "what", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
17. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
18. I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
19. You know you're all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge
20. To the woman in Walmart I saw with the 7 screaming kids, if your wondering how that box of condoms got into your shopping cart "You're welcome"
21. Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
22. Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available
23. I'm not saying lets kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying lets remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
24. It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train
25. Don't trust the heart. It wants your blood.
26. A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice
27. Napkins used after eating hot wings should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter what!!
28. Just get hoarders addicted to crack. They'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved
29. My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction
30. Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
31. Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
32. People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section. Or drive. Or run for public office. OR BREED.
33. How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
34. There’s something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it’s lunch money
35. I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
36. If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us

The American Nightmare...

A white man and an elderly Native man became pretty good friends, so the white man decided to ask him: What do you think about Indian mascots? The Native elder responded: Here’s what you’ve got to understand. When you look at black people, you see ghosts of all the slavery and the rapes and the hangings and the chains. When you look at Jews, you see ghosts of all those bodies piled up in death camps. And those ghosts keep you trying to do the right thing.

But when you look at us, you don’t see the ghosts of our little babies with their heads smashed in by rifle butts at the Big Hole, or the old folks dying by the side of the trail on the way to Oklahoma while their families cried and tried to make them comfortable, or the dead mothers at Wounded Knee, or the little kids at Sand Creek who were shot for target practice. You don’t see any ghosts at all. Instead, all you see is casinos and drunks and junk cars and shacks.

Well, we DO see those ghosts and they make our hearts sad and they hurt our little children. And when we try to say something, you tell us to "Get over it! This is America! Look at the American dream!" But as long as you’re calling us Redskins and doing tomahawk chops, we can’t look at the American dream, because those things remind us that we are not real human beings to you. And when people aren’t humans, you can turn them into slaves or kill six million of them or shoot them down with Hotchkiss guns and throw them into mass graves at Wounded Knee. No, we are not looking at the American dream. And why should we be? We still haven’t woken up from the American nightmare.

from: Native American - Honoring our Ancestors, Culture & Spirituality (https://www.facebook.com/NativePrideAndSpirituality)