LIFE

1. A northern fairytale begins, ''Once upon a time...'' A southern fairytale begins, ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...''
2. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
3. 3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions
4. If you don't know what the hell your doing, leave it the fuck alone
5. There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos
6. Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos
7. When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
8. If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words
9. Boredom is when you check the fridge over and over hoping that something amazing will appear
10. Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion
11. No matter where you live, there’s always one light switch that doesn’t do anything
12. Once I realized that you can buy trophies, I became good at everything!!!!
13. Raisins that look like chocolate chips, is the reason why I have trust issues
14. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
15. Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? Cuz if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
16. When a women says "what", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
17. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
18. I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
19. You know you're all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge
20. To the woman in Walmart I saw with the 7 screaming kids, if your wondering how that box of condoms got into your shopping cart "You're welcome"
21. Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
22. Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available
23. I'm not saying lets kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying lets remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
24. It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train
25. Don't trust the heart. It wants your blood.
26. A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice
27. Napkins used after eating hot wings should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter what!!
28. Just get hoarders addicted to crack. They'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved
29. My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction
30. Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
31. Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
32. People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section. Or drive. Or run for public office. OR BREED.
33. How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
34. There’s something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it’s lunch money
35. I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
36. If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us