Life and so on and so forth

1. I live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza 
2. Don't sugar-coat it, I'll just lick that off.... 
3. When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard” 
4. If you don’t put your leftovers in Tupperware for at least two weeks before throwing them in the trash, you’re doing it wrong 
5. The best things in life require no pants. 
6. The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller. 
7. I've made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst 
8. People will believe anything if you whisper it. 
9. If you want to know what happens after we die, read over my shoulder with food in your mouth 
10. There's 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it. 
11. It's not condescending if they're stupid. 
12. Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend. 
13. When your wife ask whats on TV, don't say dust. 
14. Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend. 
15. The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down. 
16. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two. 
17. Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt. 
18. Top tip: For the guys, how to pick up girls: keep your back straight and lift with your knees 
19. I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said "Please press one." So I did. 
20. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be normal... do those people even have fun? 
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. 
22. When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please." 
23. If zombies attack, go to Sams Club.There's cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership. 
24. If the show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They're nothing but trouble. 
25. The world would be a better place if people settled their differences with lightsaber battles. 
26. Do sluts call their private parts "public parts"? 
27. Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH" 
28. Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational posts are hard. 
29. Take a lesson from your dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away 
30. Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder. 
31. When you're trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you're probably drunk 
32. Top Tip: Guys, when your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission. 
33. Dating someone based only on looks is shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money? 
34. Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside 
35. Most men want a Jedi in the streets and a Sith in the sheets. 
36. To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. 
37. Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they're going to put you in one. 
38. If you don't have anything nice to say, say it anyway, 'cause it might be true. 
39. Don't believe everything you think. 
40. For a bit of fun try calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what you are wearing. 
41. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off, this acts as a reasonable hair remover too. 
42. I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls. 
43. Sometimes, just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask her; “So how does my lack of progress make you feel? 
44. If a someone is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! 
45. Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”. 
46. I meant to behave, but there were too many other options. 
47. If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot. 
48. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot. 
49. Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed. 
50. Laugh at your problems. Everybody else does. 
51. If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn't invite me over. 
52. Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Restraints: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0% 
53. Wear a cape when you're driving so if you get pulled over the cop will think you're going somewhere to fight crime. 
54. If you're bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored 
55. Some people are plugged in but the switch just isn't turned on. 
56. Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door. 
57. The line forms here for spankings. 
58. You don't become invisible when you get into your car, people can still see you picking your nose 
59. The zoo is a safe place to fart. 
60. Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers. 
61. Any time someone says "Have you seen that YouTube video?" always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone 
62. If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, do NOT google 'old man bond age' 
63. At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first. 
64. Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news. 
65. As an adult, You will use nunchucks way less than you expected 
66. Want to know the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!" 
67. Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong 
68. It's no fun if you have permission. 
69. It's a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems. 
70. Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any. 
71. The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. 
72. Top tip: guys, take viagra for your sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off you at night! 
73. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings. 
74. The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it. 
75. Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders..* How I learned this rule is not important. 
76. There is no such thing as a goalie in darts. 
77. All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on. 
78. Don't waste your money on a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge. 
79. Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it. 
80. It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick. 
81. If someone asks you " If you could have sex with anyone, living or dead, who would you chose"? Please pick the living. 
82. Apparently the ''All you can eat buffet'' isn't a challenge ...