LIFE TIPS

1. Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
 2. Most problems can be solved with nudity
3. Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex.
4. Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If family members/roommates hear your screams, they'll assume it's the movie.
5. Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
6. You will eventually all hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
7. At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost just about the same.
8. Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
9. If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
10. Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbours to pay for that privacy fence.
11. To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
12. If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
13. You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
14. You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.
15. If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
16. Eat cake every day because you know somewhere out there, it's someone's birthday and you need to show respect.
17. "How's phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can't ask on a job interview.
18. Have fun at job interviews by wearing an eye patch switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
19. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because your fingerprints aren't in the database.
20. Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
21. There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
22. "Grow a pear." - Best way to insult an apple tree.
23. It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
24. Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
25. Don't waste your money paying therapists when I'll tell you what's wrong with you for free
26. You will probably waste a solid year of your life just staring into the fridge.
27. Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."..in trouble again, sigh!
28. Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
29. If you want proof that all people weren't created equally.......get yourself down to a nude beach
30. If it doesn't include antidepressants, they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal
31. Just because you feel you ought to invite your in-laws over, it doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
32. A ceiling fan won't cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
33. if you're feeling mischievous when visiting a friends home, if you notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle, take a piece home with you.
34. Instead of doing laundry, just buy a second hamper...
35. Before you wash your socks,just throw one in the trash. Saves the bother of hunting for it later.
36. If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
37. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough
38. It's usually better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
39. I'm a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then you're on your own.
40. Miracles happen every day. I haven't choked the stupid out of someone today. See? Miracle
41. If a woman tells you that you're right.....that's called sarcasm.
42. Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
43. A human fart can be louder than an organ.I discovered that in church.
44. Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
45. I’ve found if you tuck one part of a trouser leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
46. To help you with your diet just blow the sugar off your doughnut.
47. If two doughnuts are stuck together it counts as one.
48. If you ever need nothing I am here for you
49. If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
50. You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
51. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
52. Vodka is made from potatoes, potatoes are vegetables, and vegetables are good for you. You're welcome.
53. Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
54. Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
55. The police never think its as funny as you do.
56. You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
57. Always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than you pictured them when you were ordering
58. If I pat you on the back, there's a 99% chance that I'm only using you as a napkin
59. Never make plans until you know how you're going to get out of them
60. To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
61. Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart
62. Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
63. I usually don't argue with my doctor but I don't think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term
64. Announcement: "Boobytrap" spelled backwards is "Partyboob". Carry on...
65. Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
66. Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath
67. The difference between me & normal people is the normal
68. Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
69. I don't think you can call yourself an adult until you can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.