· People who live in glass houses shouldn't have sex.
· It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 14 to raise your middle finger.
· I dream of a world where chickens can freely cross the road without having their motives questioned.
· Even duct tape can't fix stupid. But it can muffle the sound.
· Who the fuck had been cutting everybody's grass during the zombie apocalypse!?
· When I say, "It's a long story", it really means I just don't want to tell you.
· Don't try to explain yourself to stupid people. You're not the Jackass Whisperer.
· Next time you fart, turn to the nearest person and say, "Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"
· Beware of the dog. The cat us pretty shady as fuck also.
· Paranormal Activity 4. Because people are stupid enough to pay to watch the same movie a fourth time.
· The rising new trend is "Anal Bleaching". Usually, I oppose such activities, but I think some assholes need to lighten up
· My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything that I was supposed to do.
· Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
· Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
· I love booze, booze loves me, Holy shit I have to pee, So drunk falling on the floor, alcoholic dinosaur
· How much better would life be if a liar's pants actually caught on fire?
· While running today, I thought I heard someone clapping. It turns out, it was just my butt cheeks cheering me on.
· It is my life goal to open a milkshake shop and name it "The Yard".
· I don't fart...I whisper in my pants. Sometimes, it's a SCREAM!
· I did a push-up today. Well, I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up...close enough.
· Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were going to do anyway.
· I pretend to like people everyday. It's called being an adult. That's why we're allowed to buy alcohol.
· Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and from time to time it may be necessary to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
· I know what women want. They want you to drag them to the bedroom, throw them on the bed and do dirty......dishes while they nap.
· Sometimes, I have to tell myself. "It's just not worth the jail time."
· It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you...
· In alcohol's defense, we've all done some pretty stupid shit while sober, too.
· We will be FRIENDS until we are old and senile...then we will be NEW FRIENDS.
· I don't have Attention Deficit Disorder, I have "This Isn't Interesting Enough to Pay Attention" disorder.
· 4 out of 5 dentists agree that lying through your teeth does not count as flossing.
· #ThatAwkwardMoment when you think you do a silent fart and it comes out like a machine gun.
· I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them.
· I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
· Exercise? I thought you said, "Extra Fries".
· If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
· Washington DC is the real life version of Planet Spaceball
· Nothing cures insomnia like the realization it is time to get up.
· Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out if their parents like midget gasoline thieves.
· I hate when people ask what I'm doing tomorrow... I don't even know what I'm doing now!
· I'm taking a sick day because I'm sick of people.
· Pack your bags! We're going on a guilt trip!
· It's a beautiful day. I think I'll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
· Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes whilst walking through the kitchen. Clearly, my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.
· I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign. And we played tic-tac-toe on that shit.
· Don't you wish people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.
· Save energy by turning off lights. You wouldn't like if someone turned you on and left.
· It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 14 to raise your middle finger.
· I dream of a world where chickens can freely cross the road without having their motives questioned.
· Even duct tape can't fix stupid. But it can muffle the sound.
· Who the fuck had been cutting everybody's grass during the zombie apocalypse!?
· When I say, "It's a long story", it really means I just don't want to tell you.
· Don't try to explain yourself to stupid people. You're not the Jackass Whisperer.
· Next time you fart, turn to the nearest person and say, "Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"
· Beware of the dog. The cat us pretty shady as fuck also.
· Paranormal Activity 4. Because people are stupid enough to pay to watch the same movie a fourth time.
· The rising new trend is "Anal Bleaching". Usually, I oppose such activities, but I think some assholes need to lighten up
· My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything that I was supposed to do.
· Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
· Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
· I love booze, booze loves me, Holy shit I have to pee, So drunk falling on the floor, alcoholic dinosaur
· How much better would life be if a liar's pants actually caught on fire?
· While running today, I thought I heard someone clapping. It turns out, it was just my butt cheeks cheering me on.
· It is my life goal to open a milkshake shop and name it "The Yard".
· I don't fart...I whisper in my pants. Sometimes, it's a SCREAM!
· I did a push-up today. Well, I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up...close enough.
· Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were going to do anyway.
· I pretend to like people everyday. It's called being an adult. That's why we're allowed to buy alcohol.
· Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and from time to time it may be necessary to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
· I know what women want. They want you to drag them to the bedroom, throw them on the bed and do dirty......dishes while they nap.
· Sometimes, I have to tell myself. "It's just not worth the jail time."
· It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you...
· In alcohol's defense, we've all done some pretty stupid shit while sober, too.
· We will be FRIENDS until we are old and senile...then we will be NEW FRIENDS.
· I don't have Attention Deficit Disorder, I have "This Isn't Interesting Enough to Pay Attention" disorder.
· 4 out of 5 dentists agree that lying through your teeth does not count as flossing.
· #ThatAwkwardMoment when you think you do a silent fart and it comes out like a machine gun.
· I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them.
· I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
· Exercise? I thought you said, "Extra Fries".
· If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
· Washington DC is the real life version of Planet Spaceball
· Nothing cures insomnia like the realization it is time to get up.
· Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out if their parents like midget gasoline thieves.
· I hate when people ask what I'm doing tomorrow... I don't even know what I'm doing now!
· I'm taking a sick day because I'm sick of people.
· Pack your bags! We're going on a guilt trip!
· It's a beautiful day. I think I'll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
· Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes whilst walking through the kitchen. Clearly, my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.
· I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign. And we played tic-tac-toe on that shit.
· Don't you wish people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.
· Save energy by turning off lights. You wouldn't like if someone turned you on and left.
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