Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every
subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go
up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in
the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make
bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally
you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now
you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of
wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are
SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this
point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a
table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who
wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top
of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still SMART you know all the words.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Girl Friend 1.0 Subject: What software version are you running?
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.
I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Politically correct
With Women:
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
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Friday, March 21, 2014
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
LIFE
- A northern fairytale begins, ''Once upon a time...'' A southern fairytale begins, ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...''
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
- 3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions
- If you don't know what the hell your doing, leave it the fuck alone
- There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos
- Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos
- When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
- If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words
- Boredom is when you check the fridge over and over hoping that something amazing will appear
- Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion
- No matter where you live, there’s always one light switch that doesn’t do anything
- Once I realized that you can buy trophies, I became good at everything!!!!
- Raisins that look like chocolate chips, is the reason why I have trust issues
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? Cuz if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
- When a women says "what", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
- You know you're all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge
- To the woman in Walmart I saw with the 7 screaming kids, if your wondering how that box of condoms got into your shopping cart "You're welcome"
- Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
- Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available
- I'm not saying lets kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying lets remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
- It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train
- Don't trust the heart. It wants your blood.
- A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice
- Napkins used after eating hot wings should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter what!!
- Just get hoarders addicted to crack. They'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved
- My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction
- Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
- Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
- People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section. Or drive. Or run for public office. OR BREED.
- How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
- There’s something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it’s lunch money
- I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
- If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us
Friday, March 7, 2014
The American Nightmare...
A white man and an elderly Native man became pretty good friends, so the white man decided to ask him: What do you think about Indian mascots? The Native elder responded: Here’s what you’ve got to understand. When you look at black people, you see ghosts of all the slavery and the rapes and the hangings and the chains. When you look at Jews, you see ghosts of all those bodies piled up in death camps. And those ghosts keep you trying to do the right thing.
But when you look at us, you don’t see the ghosts of our little babies with their heads smashed in by rifle butts at the Big Hole, or the old folks dying by the side of the trail on the way to Oklahoma while their families cried and tried to make them comfortable, or the dead mothers at Wounded Knee, or the little kids at Sand Creek who were shot for target practice. You don’t see any ghosts at all. Instead, all you see is casinos and drunks and junk cars and shacks.
Well, we DO see those ghosts and they make our hearts sad and they hurt our little children. And when we try to say something, you tell us to "Get over it! This is America! Look at the American dream!" But as long as you’re calling us Redskins and doing tomahawk chops, we can’t look at the American dream, because those things remind us that we are not real human beings to you. And when people aren’t humans, you can turn them into slaves or kill six million of them or shoot them down with Hotchkiss guns and throw them into mass graves at Wounded Knee. No, we are not looking at the American dream. And why should we be? We still haven’t woken up from the American nightmare.
from: Native American - Honoring our Ancestors, Culture & Spirituality (https://www.facebook.com/NativePrideAndSpirituality)
Friday, January 31, 2014
Drunken texts
The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts
1) The "fishing" text.
This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? "
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)
The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.
A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don't do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.
2) Predictive "Cock-ups"
The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.
Some favourites:
"Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue)
"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)
"Ready and raping to go!" (raring)
The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
It was inevitably written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
"Can't wait to be licking your puppy" (pussy)
"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)
Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:
"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"
"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)
"Gassy new year!!!" (happy)
"come on over... I have wind" (wine)
My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:
"I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!" (rides)
"Put your coal into my puppy" (cock & pussy)
I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)
Whilst preparing for a play:
"Have you got the rapist ready yet" (script)
"Spank me when u get here" (Prank)
3) The "friend locator" text
One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:
You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:
"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.
This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?"
4) "Declarations of undying love"
No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!
"I love u!"
"Love you millions"
"If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together"
"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"
It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won't and she will have the evidence in her inbox
5) "Family texts"
Doesn't happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.
Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to "fitties" in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or "Danni" alphabetically.
My favourites:
"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn't speak for a week or so)
"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)
And the worst case...Text sex!!!
"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"
The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!
6) "Shit, fuck & bollocks text!"
The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.
Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.
For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:
"Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?"
Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door
7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!
8) "The One Eyed Text"
By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.
9) Pre-lash booty check texts
A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.
It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!
I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!
10)The "reminder" text
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.
Examples:
"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"
11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".
Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What's your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally
1) The "fishing" text.
This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? "
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)
The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.
A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don't do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.
2) Predictive "Cock-ups"
The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.
Some favourites:
"Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue)
"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)
"Ready and raping to go!" (raring)
The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
It was inevitably written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
"Can't wait to be licking your puppy" (pussy)
"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)
Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:
"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"
"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)
"Gassy new year!!!" (happy)
"come on over... I have wind" (wine)
My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:
"I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!" (rides)
"Put your coal into my puppy" (cock & pussy)
I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)
Whilst preparing for a play:
"Have you got the rapist ready yet" (script)
"Spank me when u get here" (Prank)
3) The "friend locator" text
One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:
You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:
"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.
This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?"
4) "Declarations of undying love"
No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!
"I love u!"
"Love you millions"
"If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together"
"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"
It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won't and she will have the evidence in her inbox
5) "Family texts"
Doesn't happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.
Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to "fitties" in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or "Danni" alphabetically.
My favourites:
"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn't speak for a week or so)
"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)
And the worst case...Text sex!!!
"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"
The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!
6) "Shit, fuck & bollocks text!"
The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.
Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.
For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:
"Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?"
Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door
7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!
8) "The One Eyed Text"
By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.
9) Pre-lash booty check texts
A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.
It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!
I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!
10)The "reminder" text
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.
Examples:
"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"
11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".
Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What's your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally
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