Drunken texts

The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts


1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? "
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don't do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.


2) Predictive "Cock-ups"


The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

"Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue)


"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)


"Ready and raping to go!" (raring)


The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

It was inevitably written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''


"Can't wait to be licking your puppy" (pussy)


"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"


"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)


"Gassy new year!!!" (happy)


"come on over... I have wind" (wine)


My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

"I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!" (rides)


"Put your coal into my puppy" (cock & pussy)


I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)


Whilst preparing for a play:
"Have you got the rapist ready yet" (script)

"Spank me when u get here" (Prank)


3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:


"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?"


4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"


It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won't and she will have the evidence in her inbox


5) "Family texts"

Doesn't happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to "fitties" in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or "Danni" alphabetically.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn't speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

And the worst case...Text sex!!!

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!


6) "Shit, fuck & bollocks text!"

The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.

Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

"Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?"

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door


7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!


8) "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!


10)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"

11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What's your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to Cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their Chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth.

For the next four hours Nick worked on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved and Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment Of 1000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.
The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story............Pay your bills.

Thanks to Rosie Benz for this!

Why, why, WHY!!??

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are hundreds of billions of stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that Art Van does NOT have a sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Cell phone survey

CELL PHONE SURVEY:

WHAT CELL SERVICE DO YOU HAVE?: Tracfone

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD IT?: Since November 2012

TYPE OF PHONE?: LG 430G

WHAT IS YOUR RINGTONE?: "Beyond the Dream"

HOW MANY TONES DO YOU HAVE?: 2, the rest are defaults

CURRENT WALLPAPER?: Super Football Player

FAVORITE WALLPAPER?: Batman as the Holy Terror

SCREENSAVER?: n/a

LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT SOMETHING W/ PHONE?: dunno

DO YOU HAVE VOICEMAIL?: yes

CALLER ID?: yes

HOW MANY CONTACTS IN ADDRESS BOOK?: 24

WHO IS THE FIRST PERSON IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK?: Brendan

LAST PERSON?: Wolfman

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?: family member

THE LAST PERSON TO CALL YOU?: Wrong number...no clue

SECOND TO LAST CALL?:  voicemail box

TEXT MESSAGES: HOW MANY IN THE INBOX?: five

OUTBOX?: six

WHAT DOES THE 3RD INBOX TXT SAY?: "Happy memorial day to you too! We had our Baby David! Here he is. May 25th"

THE FIFTH IN YOUR OUTBOX?: "That's cool"

LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED?: Luke

LAST PERSON TO TEXT YOU?:  wrong number

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TEXT?: Occasionally

COST PER TEXT?  .3 minutes

DO YOU TURN YOUR PHONE OFF AT NIGHT?: yea

WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY TURN IT BACK ON?: around 9am

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR CURRENT PHONE?: 50/50

FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR PHONE/SERVICE?: no contract

Do you know Jack Schitt?

Do you know jack schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins Deep and Dip.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken. Two of the other six children, Fulla and Giva, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Imagine that...

Let's walk on the...: moon

Let's look back at the...: day it all happened

What nice...: weather we have

Where did all...: the intelligence go?

Why can't we...: use our brains?

Why...: did i do this?

I feel like....: shit

I hate....: environmentalists, liberals, relgious douche bags like Pat Robertson

Sometimes I...: wish I was the only one alive

But I love....: virtually nothing

Why can't I...: stop gettin in fights?

Why can't we...: go our separate ways

I believe...: we'll all be screwed

Right now....: i'm annoyed

I will...: finish this

I will never...: admit to something I never did

Once...: upon a time...

Faith...: is based on tall tales

Love...: has disintergrated

Hope...: is kaput

Imagine...: life without people

Cheated...: on work in HS (only a few times and didn't get caught! :-) )

I can't help but to....: laugh whenever I see An Inconvenient Truth
When...: in the course of human events...

Never again...: will there be such hypocrites everywhere

I finally ...: have a new cell phone

There is ....: something I'm missing

We will all...: do something we regret

Everyone has....: secrets

Sometimes it is okay to....: "let it out"

I know.....: something you don't know and I'm not telling! Nyah Nyah Nyah!

I shouldn't....: take it seriously

You're....: not me

This survey....: was different

FAVORITE TEXTS (FROM TFLN)

• (651): The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
• (603): You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
• (413): I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
• (704): She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
• (920): I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers...what is happening to this summer?
• (406): I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
• (717): I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
• (770): Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
• (705): Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
• (314): sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
• (850): the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables hugging random people
• (615): This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
• (720): yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
• (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless.she's the topless tequila ninja
• (248): thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
• (612): i don't care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
• (508): I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
• (908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
• (860): We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
• (316): I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
• (718): Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
• (704): I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
• (253): Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
• (615): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
• (318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
• (530): Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
• (904): Champagne is a vitamin, right?
• (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
• (705): I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
• (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
• (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
• (540): LETS GO REDSKINS! (276): Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
• (859): While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
• (602)Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
• (780): No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
• (281): i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
• (765): That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
• (708): Less talking, more tequila
• (773): btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
• (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
• (512): Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
• (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
• (616): Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
• (224): It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
• (707): My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
• (+44): It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
• (651): how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
• (651): i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
• (281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
• (713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
• (810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
• (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
• (331): You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
• (517): She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
• (705): I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
• (978): I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
• (269): I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.