Life and so on and so forth

1. I live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza 
2. Don't sugar-coat it, I'll just lick that off.... 
3. When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard” 
4. If you don’t put your leftovers in Tupperware for at least two weeks before throwing them in the trash, you’re doing it wrong 
5. The best things in life require no pants. 
6. The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller. 
7. I've made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst 
8. People will believe anything if you whisper it. 
9. If you want to know what happens after we die, read over my shoulder with food in your mouth 
10. There's 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it. 
11. It's not condescending if they're stupid. 
12. Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend. 
13. When your wife ask whats on TV, don't say dust. 
14. Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend. 
15. The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down. 
16. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two. 
17. Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt. 
18. Top tip: For the guys, how to pick up girls: keep your back straight and lift with your knees 
19. I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said "Please press one." So I did. 
20. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be normal... do those people even have fun? 
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. 
22. When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please." 
23. If zombies attack, go to Sams Club.There's cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership. 
24. If the show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They're nothing but trouble. 
25. The world would be a better place if people settled their differences with lightsaber battles. 
26. Do sluts call their private parts "public parts"? 
27. Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH" 
28. Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational posts are hard. 
29. Take a lesson from your dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away 
30. Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder. 
31. When you're trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you're probably drunk 
32. Top Tip: Guys, when your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission. 
33. Dating someone based only on looks is shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money? 
34. Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside 
35. Most men want a Jedi in the streets and a Sith in the sheets. 
36. To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. 
37. Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they're going to put you in one. 
38. If you don't have anything nice to say, say it anyway, 'cause it might be true. 
39. Don't believe everything you think. 
40. For a bit of fun try calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what you are wearing. 
41. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off, this acts as a reasonable hair remover too. 
42. I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls. 
43. Sometimes, just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask her; “So how does my lack of progress make you feel? 
44. If a someone is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! 
45. Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”. 
46. I meant to behave, but there were too many other options. 
47. If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot. 
48. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot. 
49. Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed. 
50. Laugh at your problems. Everybody else does. 
51. If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn't invite me over. 
52. Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Restraints: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0% 
53. Wear a cape when you're driving so if you get pulled over the cop will think you're going somewhere to fight crime. 
54. If you're bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored 
55. Some people are plugged in but the switch just isn't turned on. 
56. Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door. 
57. The line forms here for spankings. 
58. You don't become invisible when you get into your car, people can still see you picking your nose 
59. The zoo is a safe place to fart. 
60. Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers. 
61. Any time someone says "Have you seen that YouTube video?" always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone 
62. If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, do NOT google 'old man bond age' 
63. At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first. 
64. Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news. 
65. As an adult, You will use nunchucks way less than you expected 
66. Want to know the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!" 
67. Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong 
68. It's no fun if you have permission. 
69. It's a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems. 
70. Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any. 
71. The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. 
72. Top tip: guys, take viagra for your sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off you at night! 
73. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings. 
74. The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it. 
75. Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders..* How I learned this rule is not important. 
76. There is no such thing as a goalie in darts. 
77. All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on. 
78. Don't waste your money on a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge. 
79. Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it. 
80. It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick. 
81. If someone asks you " If you could have sex with anyone, living or dead, who would you chose"? Please pick the living. 
82. Apparently the ''All you can eat buffet'' isn't a challenge ...

DIARY OF A BLONDE WIFE

*Monday:*

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

*Tuesday:*

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

*Wednesday:*

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

*Thursday:*

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

*Friday:*

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

*Saturday:*

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

FOR THOSE WITH CHILDREN

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Blonde

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. "No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!" "OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN 2014 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

5 STAGES OF DRUNKENESS

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Girl Friend 1.0 Subject: What software version are you running?

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.

But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.

I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.

He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.

He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.

All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.

This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.

Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.

And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.

He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.

So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.

It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.