****EXCERPT FROM THE CHURCH OF SITHISM'S "SITH DOCTRINE"****

....under his public name of Hego Damask, traveled to Naboo to inspect the situation for himself. During this time, Naboo was at the peak of election season, and the candidates for the throne were divided between a conservative faction which wanted Naboo to remain an isolationist Republic member world, its resources exploited only internally and not by greedy mega corporations, and a liberal faction which wanted to fully integrate Naboo into the Galactic Republic. The candidate of the latter faction, Bon Tapalo, secured the endorsement of both Damask Holdings and the Trade Federation by promising to open Naboo to trade, which would allow them to profit from the plasma resources. His opponent was supported by staunch royalists and traditionalists such as Cosinga Palpatine, patriarch of House Palpatine, and Naboo representative Vidar Kim, influential figures in Naboo politics both.

Plagueis eventually learned that Tapalo had an informant in the rival campaign who provided him with vital information. His agents discovered that the informant was a seventeen-year-old student in the Legislative Youth Program called Palpatine, the son of the man who stood most fervently against Tapalo and his ilk, Cosinga Palpatine. Eager to know more about the young man, Plagueis convinced him when they met at the Legislative Program's Theed headquarters to give him a tour of the town in his prized speeder.

From this first encounter, Plagueis learned much about the young aristocrat: he was interested in politics but was shy to admit it; had a modest fondness for art and desired for his homeworld to be opened to the wider galaxy. Most notably, Plagueis learned of the young man's severe estrangement with his father which had been going on for years and years. Impressed by the young man's ambition, intelligence and motivations, Plagueis offered to use him as a spy to secure Tapalo's election and Damask Holdings' interests on Naboo. Palpatine accepted the offer on one condition: he would report to Plagueis alone and directly.

This led Plagueis to consider that Palpatine saw him as the father figure he never had. But he too was intrigued by the young man. For two standard days after leaving Naboo, Palpatine was constantly in Damask's mind. After a falling out with Senator Pax Teem of the Gran Protectorate over Damask's support of Gardulla during the Phoebos Memorial Run on Malastare, Plagueis began to consider Palpatine for the role of figurehead Supreme Chancellor that would bring the galaxy under the rule of the Sith.

Immediately after landing on Naboo a standard month after his first visit, Plagueis and his retinue of Damask Holdings and IBC members were detained by a group of security guards. The Muuns were forced to remain in one of the spaceport's holding areas for about an hour, after which time two Palace Guards arrived to escort the Magister to a waiting Gian speeder. Damask was taken to Convergence in the Lake Country, where he met Cosinga Palpatine. Cosinga, who had noticed the friendship between the Magister and his eldest son, demanded that the Muuns stay away from Naboo, and that Damask specifically stay away from his son.

Plagueis, undeterred, traveled to Hanna City on Chandrila to meet with Palpatine, who was on the planet participating in a month long retreat sponsored by the Legislative Youth Program at the time, and updated him on the situation. The young man was furious at his father's attempt to meddle in his affairs, and his fury buffeted Plagueis as he felt it in the Force. Palpatine demanded help and advice, to which Plagueis replied that the young Human could use this incident as a means of emancipating himself. After some back-and-forth, Palpatine revealed to the Magister that he sought ultimate power, and Plagueis told him that he was willing to be his ally in this quest provided that he free himself of all restrictions, chief among them his family. The Muun then related the story—a carefully put together amalgam of fact and fiction—of his own emancipation: he told Palpatine that, following his father's deathbed advice to use whatever means were necessary to protect his interests from less enlightened beings, he had orchestrated an elaborate ruse to poison his family and inherit the Damask fortune in its entirety. In reality, Plagueis was coaxing the young Human to confront his father and break the barriers he had built to hide his true nature. In fact, he had approached him on Chandrila so that Cosinga's spies would spot them together, making the confrontation between father and son inevitable.

All went according to Plagueis's plan, and as Palpatine was preparing to leave for Naboo aboard the Jafan III, one of his father's security guards came to escort him to the family starship. Palpatine murdered his family soon after the starship entered hyperspace, and contacted Damask, who promised him that all evidence would be destroyed, leaving nothing to link Palpatine to his family's disappearance.

Plagueis now saw the young man as insidious, ambitious and arrogant by nature, as well as completely lacking in empathy, ready to join the Sith as his apprentice. In a cabin aboard the starship Quantum Collosus, Palpatine knelt before his new Master and swore his loyalty to the Sith Order, and Plagueis bestowed upon him a new name: Darth Sidious.

Soon after the murder of his family, Sidious began the first stages of his training, designed to "break" him as an individual in order to remake him as a Sith, under Darth Plagueis. The Master promised to the apprentice that, although his training would be severe, they would be free of the Rule of Two. Breaking the cycle enacted by Darth Bane, they would neither harbor any secrets from each other, nor experience any jealousy or mistrust in their relationship, thus serving the dark side in concert.

Sidious learned from Plagueis over the course of decades, during which Plagueis taught his apprentice everything he knew to prevent the power he had amassed from being lost forever. During Sidious' training, Plagueis gave his apprentice access to his Sith holocrons. Plagueis' lessons involved forcing Sidious to face his fears, denying him pleasures, and taking from him the things he loved. He taught Sidious that emotions such as envy and hatred, though necessary to master the dark side, were simply means to the end of casting aside usual notions of morality for a greater goal.

Plagueis also lectured his apprentice on the means of taking power, with the eventual goal of control over the galaxy. Sidious would not kill his master, however, until he understood the lessons of Plagueis and....
**** end of excerpt ****

The Sith Doctrine Master Edition will be released May 4, 2015...more details to be announced soon on the Church of Sithism's Release of the Sith Doctrine Master Edition Event page
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Tatooine

Tatooine (pronounced /tætu'in/) was a desert world and the first planet in the binary Tatoo star system. It was part of the Arkanis sector in the Outer Rim Territories. It was inhabited by poor locals who mostly farmed moisture for a living. Other activities included used equipment retailing and scrap dealing. The planet was on the 5709-DC Shipping Lane, a spur of the Triellus Trade Route, which itself connected to the Sisar Run. The planet was not far from the Corellian Run. It had its own navigation system. However, it would still play a role in galactic events, serving as the home of Anakin Skywalker. It was here that Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn recognized Anakin's potential to become a Jedi and where he introduced him to Obi-Wan Kenobi, his future master and mentor. Tatooine was also the home of Anakin's son, Luke, where he lived until his early adulthood. The planet built up a very bad reputation, often being viewed as the cesspool of the galaxy due to the high-level of criminals who could be found onworld.

Geology:
Tatooine is thought to have been one of the oldest planets in known space and was composed of a molten core with a rocky mantle and silicate rock crust. Fossil records suggest Tatooine was once covered in large oceans, which dried up, leaving behind many pre-arid geological formations, including Beggar's Canyon, formed around 2,000,000 BBY, back when Tatooine was lush. Other notable geological features included the Dune Sea, enormous sodium-rich desert, Mushroom Mesa, a vast formation of giant standing stones, and the Jundland Wastes, a rocky region. There was a settlers' saying that one's eyes burn out faster by staring straight and hard at sun-scorched flatlands than by looking directly at the suns.

Climate:
Tatooine orbited two suns, Tatoo I and Tatoo II and was covered in deserts and rock formations, so the days were extremely arid and bright, especially during double noon. In fact, it was so brightly lit by the suns from space it could appear to be a star itself. This was the case for the people who discovered Tatooine as they first thought Tatooine was in fact a star until they approached and discovered that it was a desert planet. The planet circled the suns far enough to develop a stable, but very hot climate. Due to the extreme conditions, only a relatively mild region of its northern hemisphere was habitable, and less than 1% of the planet was covered in surface water; the average humidity level was 5.4%.

One of the many extraordinary features unique to Tatooine was the mysterious mists, which rose regularly from the ground where desert sands met cliffs and mesas. Various theories of this moisture's origin were disputed by meteorologists and geologists, like water suspended in sandstone veins beneath the sand and complex chemical reactions which made it rise when the ground cooled, then fall underground again with the double sunrise.

Tatooine's harsh arid climate caused Humans to show signs of accelerated aging.

The atmosphere could not have had helium, as it would have killed any mynocks that lived there.

Fauna:
Despite the planet's extreme aridity, many forms of life thrived on Tatooine; flora included the razor moss, funnel flowers, deb-debs, and Hubba gourds. Non-sentient life indigenous to Tatooine included:
■Anooba
■Bantha
■Bonegnawer
■Cu-Pas
■Dewback
■Eopie
■Galoomp
■Ibian
■Jerba
■Krayt dragon
■Kreetle
■Logra
■Massiff
■Mynock (possible non-canon)
■Rill
■Rock wart
■Ronto
■Sand bat
■Sandjigger
■Sandswimmer
■Sandworm
■Sarlacc
■Scalt
■Scurrier
■Scyk
■Sevorrt
■Sketto
■Squill
■Tatooine Howler
■Urusai
■Womp rat
■Woodoo
■Worrt
■Wraid


HISTORY:
 
Jedi Civil War:
At the time of the Jedi Civil War, the planet was practically controlled by the Czerka Corporation. They were attempting to mine ores from Tatooine, although they soon discovered the ores had strange magnetic properties which made the metal corrode very fast and thus useless for production. Later, Revan came to Tatooine during his quest to locate the Star Forge, via the Star Maps, as there was one on Tatooine. He discovered that Czerka Corporation was attempting to eradicate a nearby tribe of Sand People due to attacks on Czerka's sandcrawlers. With the help of the recently purchased droid HK-47, Revan was able to communicate with the tribe and negotiate a truce after infiltrating their settlement. It was revealed to Revan that the Sand people considered the Czerka to be invaders on their land, which was the reason for the frequent attacks. Revan later learned the history of the Sand People from the tribe's history keeper, by giving a Krayt dragon pearl to the cheiftain.

Lost Era:
Czerka’s mining involvement in the Anchorhead settlement proved fruitless, and the company began Czerka’s Secret Weapons division on the planet, due to no restrictions from the Republic. Sometime between Revan’s visit and 3,641 BBY, Czerka completely pulled out of Anchorhead, abandoning the Secret Weapons complex. Unlike the corporations before Czerka, Czerka's presence was replaced with a vacuum for a long time, this left the planet to plunder into complete anarchy. Authority on the world had an extreme informal control by disorganised criminals, but they were later united by a group of dissidents, who called themselves the Hutt Cartel. The Republic had yet again began to use the planet for a supply stop. During the Cold War, the Sith Empire also set up a small outpost near Anchorhead in an effort to discover the secrets of the Czerka Secret Weapons division. Some time after the trio of wars had ended, the Republic left the planet for a third time and it was forgotten until the Republic rediscovered it in 1,100 BBY. However, the Republic had withdrawn from Tatooine for a fourth time, but this led to an increase of immigrated inhabitants. Sometime later Gardulla established her empire on Tatooine and based herself in her palace.

The Clone Wars:
In 32 BBY, Queen Padmé Amidala and her companions, including the Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, arrived on Tatooine in the Dune Sea after escaping the capture of Naboo. They talked on how to repair the hyperdrive of her starship. They couldn't pay for it in the currency that the dealer with the replacement, Watto, wanted. Darth Maul landed on Tatooine with his Scimitar after being sent by his master Darth Sidious to locate, spy and destroy the two Jedi as well as the Queen in which he sent Sith Probe Droids to both Mos Espa and its sister city Mos Eisley. It was on the world at the time that the droids R2-D2 and C-3PO first met. Anakin Skywalker, one of Watto's slaves, decided to enter the upcoming podrace, the famous Boonta Eve Classic, and use his winnings to pay for the hyperdrive. He became a local legend in Mos Espa by being the first Human ever to win a podrace. After winning the race, Qui-Gon, Padmé, Anakin, R2-D2, C-3PO and Jar Jar Binks returned to the cruiser after narrowly escaping an assassination from Darth Maul. During their departure from the world, Qui-Gon introduced Anakin to and Obi-Wan and took him to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant for him to join the Jedi Order. For Watto, he eventually lost his shop.

In late 32 BBY, Jango Fett came to Tatooine and, on behalf of Jabba, disposed of Gardulla and subsequently her empire, giving Jabba a virtual monopoly on the rule of Tatooine's criminal underworld. However, Jabba's monopoly was eventually challenged by Whiphid crime queen, Lady Valarian. In 31 BBY, Jabba gave birth to his son Rotta in his palace.

In 22 BBY, Anakin Skywalker, sensing his mother, Shmi Skywalker, was in terrible pain, returned to Tatooine with Padme from Naboo. He was roughly informed of her location and on his way to the Tusken village, Anakin fought many tuskens and their dogs. When Anakin arrived he found that Shmi had been tortured by the Tusken Raiders and later died in his arms and was too late. Later he left Tatooine with Padme and the droids to rescue Obi-Wan on Geonosis this had ultimately began the Clone Wars.

During the Clone Wars, the Republic tried to re-establish a presence on the world by constructing a Republic spaceport, but Confederacy General Sev'rance Tann, allied with the minor Hutt crime lord Boorka, wiped it out and established her own fortress. Jabba protested Boorka's direct involvement in the Clone Wars, and betrayed the fortress's location to Echuu Shen-Jon, who wiped it out. In truth, helping Echuu was simply Jabba's way of eliminating Boorka, since Jabba himself got directly involved in the Clone Wars: he shipped cortosis ore through Tatooine to Metalorn for the Techno Union to build cortosis droids. This operation was ended by Anakin Skywalker. Sometime before or during 19 BBY, X1 and X2 formed a garrison here with Jedi Master Ferroda. However the CIS came shortly after they arrived but the Galactic Republic garrison held them off successfully and X1 and X2 were awarded medals for their efforts.

In 21 BBY, Anakin who was besided with his apprentice Ahsoka Tano, was reluctant to return to Tatooine, via the Twilight, due to Jabba allowing the Republic access over the secret Hutt Hyperlanes against the CIS for rescuing his son Rotta on the Teth Monastery. The Jedi emerged victorious at delivering Rotta to Jabba's Palace, despite sabotage from Asajj Ventress and Count Dooku. Thus Jabba's Empire and subsequently the Hutt Cartel, became an ally of the Republic, as well as the Clone Army been allowed safe passage through Hutt Space and the Arkanis sector.

Later during that year, Jabba sent Cad Bane to free his uncle from the Republic Judiciary Central Detention Center on Coruscant. Ziro was then imprisoned in Gardulla the Hutt's Palace on Nal Hutta where the Hutt Grand Council said he was to collect the bounty of Ziro for betraying him. The targeted Hutt was freed by his girlfriend Sy Snootles and taken to Teth where he visited his father's hidden grave.

In 19 BBY, following Order 66 and the Great Jedi Purge, Obi-Wan Kenobi went into hiding on Tatooine, found himself a abandoned hut and began keeping a close eye on young Luke Skywalker, whom Kenobi entrusted to Shmi's stepson, Owen Lars, and his wife Beru Lars, who continued to live in their homestead.

The Rise Of The Galactic Empire:
Shortly before the destruction of Alderaan, the Star Destroyer Devastator captured Princess Leia Organa aboard the Tantive IV above Tatooine. This began the First Extermination of the Battle of Tatooine. Leia had been trying to contact Kenobi, to ask him to help the Rebel Alliance resolve the crisis of the Death Star, as she had been instructed by her foster father Bail Prestor Organa, a former compatriot of Kenobi. Leia did not realize the secret Bail and Obi-Wan shared: she was Anakin Skywalker's daughter. As stormtroopers boarded the corvette, she gave the recently received plans for the Death Star to R2-D2, who escaped to the surface of Tatooine with counterpart C-3PO. Moments later, Darth Vader had Leia captured alive, not knowing she was his daughter.

Vader, the former Anakin Skywalker, had Commander Nahdonnis Praji's stormtroopers, placed under the command of Brenn Tantor and Grand General Malcor Brashin, scour the planet for the droids,[24] ignoring the protests of local Governor Tour Aryon. The droids were captured by Jawas and purchased by Owen Lars, but R2-D2 ran away seeking Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke Skywalker and C-3PO gave chase. They were attacked by Tuskens, but rescued by Kenobi, who emulated the sound of Tatooine's vicious monsters, the Krayt Dragons. The Tuskens were scared off but would soon return in greater numbers. Obi Wan began to teach Luke about the Jedi, although hiding the truth about his father, making him think that Anakin Skywalker had been murdered by Darth Vader. He gave Luke a lightsaber that had belonged to Anakin.

Meanwhile, the Imperial search party, following the droids' trail, had slaughtered the Tuskens who had attacked Luke and used their banthas to disguise their tracks as those of a Tusken raiding party. They attacked the sandcrawler which had rescued R2-D2 and C-3PO, interrogating and killing the Jawas. They proceeded to the Lars homestead, where they interrogated and ruthlessly murdered both Owen and Beru, as well as badly damaging their homestead. The Imperials also ran into a local Rebel cell in the Dune Sea, beginning a brutal skirmish, with the Empire triumphing. The Imperials blockaded Tatooine to prevent the droids from escaping, and began a thorough search of Mos Eisley. This led into a second skirmish with some of the inhabitants.

In Mos Eisley, however, Kenobi and Luke hired Han Solo and Chewbacca to take them to Alderaan with the droids. Solo's Millennium Falcon fled Mos Eisley and broke the Imperial blockade, a jump that would change the Galaxy forever.

Either in conjunction with the above events or shortly afterward two Rebel X-wings piloted by Rookie One and Ru Murleen took out a portion of the AT-ST garrison stationed in Mos Eisley. Turning their sights skyward, the pair then led an only partially successful attack on the Star Destroyer Devastator still in orbit around the planet. Though the Devastator was heavily damaged, both Rebel pilots abandoned their target in order to pull back to the Rebel base on Yavin 4 in time for the Battle of Yavin.

Ambush At Mos Esiley:
Ever since Rebel pilot Luke Skywalker became a thorn in its side by destroying the Death Star, the Galactic Empire kept an eye on his homeworld of Tatooine. Acting on a tip from an unsavory bounty hunter, the Empire dispatched probe droids and bombers to root out Skywalker's squadron by terrorizing civilians and searching for clues to Skywalker's whereabouts.[2]

The Battle:
Cleanup Of Imperial Patrols:
Six months after the Battle of Yavin, the newly formed Alliance to Restore the Republic starfighter unit Rogue Squadron visited Mos Eisley on the planet Tatooine. Commander Luke Skywalker, the Rogue Leader, initially planned to simply patrol the outskirts of the spaceport. As three squadron members flew in an early morning run through the area, Wedge Antilles, one of the Rebel pilots, spotted several Viper probe droids opening fire on a number of homesteads. The pilots were caught off guard, and one member of the squadron was shot down near Jabba's Palace, headquarters of the gangster Jabba the Hutt, but the pilot survived the crash-landing. Rogue Squadron fanned out and destroyed most of the eighteen probe droids in the area. The squadron flew by two civilian T-16 skyhoppers in Beggar's Canyon.[1]

Bombing Of Mos Eisley:
After the probe droids were taken out, a six-fighter squadron of TIE Bombers began an attack on Mos Eisley, flying in a circular pattern to drop proton bombs on vital parts of the city. Skywalker ordered Rogue Squadron to assist, and they quickly flew overhead; the bombers were no match for Rogue Squadron's T-65 X-wing starfighters, and all the bombers were shot from the sky.

Aftermath:
After the ambush force was destroyed, Skywalker thought that the newly formed Rogue Squadron would go on to make a name for itself. With the success of their mission, the Rogues were assigned to escort supplies on the planet Barkhesh shortly afterward.

Following this disaster, the Empire increased its presence on Tatooine. At some point in 0 ABY, Luke returned to Tatooine, this time to recruit some CR90 corvette pilots to aid the Rebels in their evacuation from Yavin 4.

Some time between 0 ABY and 4 ABY, C-3PO and R2-D2 returned to Tatooine with a Rebel agent and Holocam E to destroy a hidden assassin droid factory of the Empire by infiltrating a Jawa Sandcrawler. They succeeded in turning all the Imperial IG-model Assassin Droids into harmless dancing droids.

In 3 ABY, Boba Fett brought Han Solo, frozen in carbonite, to Jabba's Palace, and collected his bounty. A year later, Luke returned to Tatooine to rescue Han. Before undertaking the endeavor, he built a new lightsaber, the one Kenobi gave him having been lost on Bespin. Luke, Leia, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca and the droids infiltrated Jabba's Palace and freed Han Solo from the carbonite, but the Skywalker siblings and Han were captured. Jabba tried to feed Luke and Han to the Sarlacc at the Great Pit of Carkoon, but they turned the tables on him as they defeated him in a long sturggle battle against him with the friends esaping the planet in one piece.

The New Republic:
In 14 BBY Jaden Korr arrived on Tatooine and his first mission was to investigate some mercenary activity. Arriving in Mos Eisley, the Raven's Claw and the Millennium Falcon were trapped by tractor beams under the control of the cultists. Jaden released the ships with the help of Chewbacca.

Jaden Korr's second mission to Tatooine for the New Jedi Order was to visit the planet once more while investigating a mysterious Sith Cult known as the Disciples of Ragnos. Jaden visited the dunes when a moisture farmer overheard a group of smugglers talking about a Sith cult in a bar and had his R5 droid record the conversation. Unfortunately, he became afraid and sold the droid to some Jawas before leaving Tatooine. Jaden went for the droid who was held captive by a group of Tusken Raiders in a Sandcrawler. He broke in, slew them all with his lightsaber and Force powers, got out the shoot with the droid before the Jawas assisted him by wiping its memory and returned to the Academy.

Life and so on and so forth

1. I live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza 
2. Don't sugar-coat it, I'll just lick that off.... 
3. When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard” 
4. If you don’t put your leftovers in Tupperware for at least two weeks before throwing them in the trash, you’re doing it wrong 
5. The best things in life require no pants. 
6. The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller. 
7. I've made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst 
8. People will believe anything if you whisper it. 
9. If you want to know what happens after we die, read over my shoulder with food in your mouth 
10. There's 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it. 
11. It's not condescending if they're stupid. 
12. Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend. 
13. When your wife ask whats on TV, don't say dust. 
14. Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend. 
15. The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down. 
16. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two. 
17. Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt. 
18. Top tip: For the guys, how to pick up girls: keep your back straight and lift with your knees 
19. I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said "Please press one." So I did. 
20. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be normal... do those people even have fun? 
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. 
22. When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please." 
23. If zombies attack, go to Sams Club.There's cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership. 
24. If the show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They're nothing but trouble. 
25. The world would be a better place if people settled their differences with lightsaber battles. 
26. Do sluts call their private parts "public parts"? 
27. Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH" 
28. Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational posts are hard. 
29. Take a lesson from your dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away 
30. Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder. 
31. When you're trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you're probably drunk 
32. Top Tip: Guys, when your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission. 
33. Dating someone based only on looks is shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money? 
34. Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside 
35. Most men want a Jedi in the streets and a Sith in the sheets. 
36. To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. 
37. Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they're going to put you in one. 
38. If you don't have anything nice to say, say it anyway, 'cause it might be true. 
39. Don't believe everything you think. 
40. For a bit of fun try calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what you are wearing. 
41. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off, this acts as a reasonable hair remover too. 
42. I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls. 
43. Sometimes, just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask her; “So how does my lack of progress make you feel? 
44. If a someone is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! 
45. Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”. 
46. I meant to behave, but there were too many other options. 
47. If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot. 
48. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot. 
49. Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed. 
50. Laugh at your problems. Everybody else does. 
51. If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn't invite me over. 
52. Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Restraints: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0% 
53. Wear a cape when you're driving so if you get pulled over the cop will think you're going somewhere to fight crime. 
54. If you're bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored 
55. Some people are plugged in but the switch just isn't turned on. 
56. Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door. 
57. The line forms here for spankings. 
58. You don't become invisible when you get into your car, people can still see you picking your nose 
59. The zoo is a safe place to fart. 
60. Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers. 
61. Any time someone says "Have you seen that YouTube video?" always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone 
62. If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, do NOT google 'old man bond age' 
63. At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first. 
64. Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news. 
65. As an adult, You will use nunchucks way less than you expected 
66. Want to know the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!" 
67. Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong 
68. It's no fun if you have permission. 
69. It's a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems. 
70. Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any. 
71. The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. 
72. Top tip: guys, take viagra for your sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off you at night! 
73. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings. 
74. The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it. 
75. Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders..* How I learned this rule is not important. 
76. There is no such thing as a goalie in darts. 
77. All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on. 
78. Don't waste your money on a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge. 
79. Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it. 
80. It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick. 
81. If someone asks you " If you could have sex with anyone, living or dead, who would you chose"? Please pick the living. 
82. Apparently the ''All you can eat buffet'' isn't a challenge ...

DIARY OF A BLONDE WIFE

*Monday:*

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

*Tuesday:*

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

*Wednesday:*

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

*Thursday:*

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

*Friday:*

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

*Saturday:*

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

FOR THOSE WITH CHILDREN

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Blonde

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. "No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!" "OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN 2014 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

5 STAGES OF DRUNKENESS

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Girl Friend 1.0 Subject: What software version are you running?

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.

But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.

I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.

He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.

He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.

All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.

This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.

Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.

And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.

He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.

So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.

It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Politically correct

With Women:
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

With Men: He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME. He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER. He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION. He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER. He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION. He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

LIFE

1. A northern fairytale begins, ''Once upon a time...'' A southern fairytale begins, ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...''
2. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
3. 3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions
4. If you don't know what the hell your doing, leave it the fuck alone
5. There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos
6. Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos
7. When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
8. If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words
9. Boredom is when you check the fridge over and over hoping that something amazing will appear
10. Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion
11. No matter where you live, there’s always one light switch that doesn’t do anything
12. Once I realized that you can buy trophies, I became good at everything!!!!
13. Raisins that look like chocolate chips, is the reason why I have trust issues
14. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
15. Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? Cuz if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
16. When a women says "what", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
17. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
18. I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
19. You know you're all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge
20. To the woman in Walmart I saw with the 7 screaming kids, if your wondering how that box of condoms got into your shopping cart "You're welcome"
21. Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
22. Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available
23. I'm not saying lets kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying lets remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
24. It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train
25. Don't trust the heart. It wants your blood.
26. A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice
27. Napkins used after eating hot wings should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter what!!
28. Just get hoarders addicted to crack. They'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved
29. My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction
30. Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
31. Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
32. People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section. Or drive. Or run for public office. OR BREED.
33. How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
34. There’s something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it’s lunch money
35. I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
36. If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us

The American Nightmare...

A white man and an elderly Native man became pretty good friends, so the white man decided to ask him: What do you think about Indian mascots? The Native elder responded: Here’s what you’ve got to understand. When you look at black people, you see ghosts of all the slavery and the rapes and the hangings and the chains. When you look at Jews, you see ghosts of all those bodies piled up in death camps. And those ghosts keep you trying to do the right thing.

But when you look at us, you don’t see the ghosts of our little babies with their heads smashed in by rifle butts at the Big Hole, or the old folks dying by the side of the trail on the way to Oklahoma while their families cried and tried to make them comfortable, or the dead mothers at Wounded Knee, or the little kids at Sand Creek who were shot for target practice. You don’t see any ghosts at all. Instead, all you see is casinos and drunks and junk cars and shacks.

Well, we DO see those ghosts and they make our hearts sad and they hurt our little children. And when we try to say something, you tell us to "Get over it! This is America! Look at the American dream!" But as long as you’re calling us Redskins and doing tomahawk chops, we can’t look at the American dream, because those things remind us that we are not real human beings to you. And when people aren’t humans, you can turn them into slaves or kill six million of them or shoot them down with Hotchkiss guns and throw them into mass graves at Wounded Knee. No, we are not looking at the American dream. And why should we be? We still haven’t woken up from the American nightmare.

from: Native American - Honoring our Ancestors, Culture & Spirituality (https://www.facebook.com/NativePrideAndSpirituality)

Drunken texts

The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts


1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? "
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don't do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.


2) Predictive "Cock-ups"


The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

"Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue)


"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)


"Ready and raping to go!" (raring)


The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

It was inevitably written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''


"Can't wait to be licking your puppy" (pussy)


"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"


"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)


"Gassy new year!!!" (happy)


"come on over... I have wind" (wine)


My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

"I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!" (rides)


"Put your coal into my puppy" (cock & pussy)


I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)


Whilst preparing for a play:
"Have you got the rapist ready yet" (script)

"Spank me when u get here" (Prank)


3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:


"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?"


4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"


It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won't and she will have the evidence in her inbox


5) "Family texts"

Doesn't happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to "fitties" in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or "Danni" alphabetically.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn't speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

And the worst case...Text sex!!!

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!


6) "Shit, fuck & bollocks text!"

The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.

Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

"Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?"

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door


7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!


8) "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!


10)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"

11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What's your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally