Musings

More of life's musings from Jessica Hazard and Carole Neil.

1. I only buy dawn dish soap, cause you never know when you'll come across a baby duck covered in oil.
2. Verbs are words with tempers
3. If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give that fuckwit a reason.
4. That #awkwardmoment when you realize you're walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets pretending you forgot something.
5. So I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
6. It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
7. So I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
8. I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say "Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?
9. If I were Harry Potter, I would spend all my magic giving strangers on the street sudden, explosive diarrhea.
10. NEW RULE... If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.
11. If someone was born blind, but has psychic ability, would said person have a sixth sense or a fifth one?
12. It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
13. If I'm forced to answer a question... you will NOT like the answer.
14. I hate it when your have to be nice to someone you want to hit with a brick.
15. Unknown numbers calling my phone and leaving 3 seconds of silence as a voicemail is the greatest unsolved mystery of my life.
16. Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
17. Is really disappointed that no one wished me a happy birthday today... But since it's not my birthday I guess it's alright
18. I haven't seen any posts about ninjas lately... Well played ninjas... Well played.
19. My hometown is the best. Except for the location, the weather, the architecture, the nightlife and the people.
20. There's a fine line between being funny and insulting. if you ever know where it is, please tell me, you piece of shit.
21. I'm so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
22. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
23. Word of advice, never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
24. "I before E except after C..." Weird.
25. If a redhead works at a bakery, he is in fact a ginger bread man.
26. Leonardo DiCaprio never died in Titanic. Last scene: him going underwater. 1st Scene in Inception: him waking up on a beach.
27. Scientific fact, if you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end... You'd die
28. I got a dig bick. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.
29. Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am... My attitude depends on who you are
30. There are only two occasions when people want to come over and visit me... When I'm sick... Or they're sick.
31. If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
32. I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid
33. New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you
34. Asking a question you already know just to see if the other person will lie.
35. When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.
36. Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small penis"
37. The easiest practical joke:buy a box of "snaps" (poppers) taping them to the underseat of the toilet, close gently.
38. Together I believe we can stop bathroom mirror profile pictures!
39. All I'm saying is... When I read what you've typed in caps, the little voice in my head sounds like Gilbert Gottfried
40. Whomever posted that status... "Dance like nobody's watching." I just wanted to say thank you... Now I have a pending court date.
41. I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
42. Things to do today: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.
43. If home is where the heart is... Then the garage is where the car is.
44. The other day, before the parade began... a little kid looking at a drag queen, pointing and screaming "OH MY GOD! IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!"
45. I feel sorry for kids now a days that see a toy on t.v. that they want but can't have... Cause their parents aren't 18 or older to order
46. A random toddler just waved at me. I didn't wave back. Welcome to life and all of its dissapointments you little shit.
47. Curling irons have a warning that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
48. I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all our missing socks.
49. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to punch other teenagers legally.
50. Just sold a lawn mower on Craigslist. That'll be the last time my neighbor wakes me up early on a Saturday!
51. 10 million strong and growing? I dont know about you, but I'm pretty sure these "Flintstone kids" are plotting to destroy us.
52. If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first
53. Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
54. Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."
55. Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly.
56. Now how can I go to sleep when I'm so enthralled with my shadow puppet show?!
57. I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.
58. Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "County sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
59. It would be nice to spend millions of dollars on schools and shit, but right now that money is desperately needed for political campaigns
60. Why buy a massage chair when you can just drive over the rumble strip on the freeway?
61. You know you've found the one when you're both perfectly content to sit in silence together playing with your phones
62. I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
63. Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
64. The "Slow Children Playing" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to toss in punctuation?
65. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
66. Ask your partner to remind you about stuff. That way if you forget it's their fault and not yours.
67. When doing an Internet search for the movie "Monsters Ball", make sure you put the "s" at the end of the right word. Trust me on this one.
68. The best way to change a woman's mind is to agree with her.
69. Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Tuesday.
70. If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
71. Having sex with someone then falling asleep for a few hours is NOT classed as a reasonable test of a bed prior to purchase.
72. If you get a piece of mail that says "open immediately" just wait a few minutes before doing so, it'll give you such a thrill
73. When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
74. Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
75. Technically, if you don't cut the cake, it's still one slice
76. A clear conscience is really just memory loss
77. If somethings hard to do, it's not worth doing
78. If you're not happy with where you are, move. You are not a tree.
79. Please try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.
80. The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
81. If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
82. Whenever you feel all alone in the world, remind yourself that you're a valued customer at several grocery stores.
83. Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
84. Just because you feel you ought to invite your in-laws over for Christmas, it doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
85. Some people are like old TV sets, you have to hit them until they get the picture.
86. Stopped in the Apple store to use the restroom... iPeed
87. In 2016, every Olympic event should include one competitor that was picked randomly out of the stands... It'll definitely get more viewers.
88. Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say " It's Jake, from State Farm"
89. Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff
90. So... I've decided!!! I am in definite need of a vacation... Too bad my bank account told me to go fuck myself.
91. When asked "What's Up" respond "An animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
92. YOLO = carpe diem for idiots.
93. If they just built prisons out of the stuff they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
94. LOLs and LMAOs are like orgasms... Most are faked.
95. I may not have much money or nice car. Fancy clothes? Not my thing. I do however confidently rest my head each night knowing I did your mom
96. It's a strange moment, when you realize the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals and insects desperately trying to get laid.
97. You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike Bar.
98. There is nothing more unconditional than the love given by a child who is trying to get ungrounded.
99. All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.
100. I hope marijuana gets legalized soon simply because I'm betting commercials would be hilarious!
101. Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.
102. When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.
103. Life isn't a fairytale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages & random pop-ups
104. To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a goddamn sandwich!
105. I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
106. Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
107. I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
108. Your penis enlargement pills must be working because you're a much bigger dick than you were yesterday.
109. Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
110. The best response to someone telling you to "turn that frown upside down" is definitely just to immediately spring into a handstand.
111. I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.
112. Of course I don't know how to act my age. I've never been this old before.
113. "I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
114. I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
115. Condoms... because that 1 girl you banged banged 23 guys that banged 389 girls that banged 1,089 guys that banged 7,021 girls.
116. Just checked my Farmville for the first time in two years. It's now a Walmart.
117. Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!
118. Damn you #autocorrect. You always make me post some thong I didn't Nintendo.
119. I stand in the jail cell, still shaken from what I've done. A shadowy figure appears "I hope it was worth it" as he tosses me a Klondike bar
120. Rule #4275 Always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out... BAM extra taco.
121. I don't believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I just believe in parties. ;-)
122. When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon. You're not a Jedi."
123. On a scale from 1 to 10, I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment
124. Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?
125. As I watched Transformers the other day... I couldn't help but wonder, Would an Autobot/Decepticon buy life insurance or car insurance?
126. The fact that 66 & 44 doesn't add up to 100 really pisses me off
127. I read a bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat or a disgruntled kidnapper.
128. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult decision, I ask myself "How will this affect my future E! True Hollywood Story?"
129. Honestly, the only reason I want to be famous is because I hate introducing myself to people.
130. I bet I freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
131. I have to assume the weeks leading up to Xmas will be incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.
132. I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
133. Did Bruno Mars end up catching that grenade? I haven't heard from him in awhile.
134. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.
135. Bill Gates pickup line in college:"Wanna see something that's neither micro nor soft?"
136. Growing up I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.
137. I'm a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Some day I'm gonna be awesome.
138. For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
139. Just a reminder.. If you wake up tomorrow morning my mission to save the world was successful... You are all welcome in advance
140. Fair warning: if you sit next to me when other seats are clearly available, I'm resting my head on your shoulder.
141. Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
142. Tip for the ladies at the bar: If you want a man to leave you alone, don't tell him you have a boyfriend.They don't care. Tell him you have a penis.
143. I like watching autocorrect go through all possible guesses of what I'm trying to text before it finally decides there's no hope for me.
144. If you think these upcoming elections will be nasty, think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.
145. I'm kinda disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad
146. If you've never had to consider the pros and cons of faking your own death, you're not really living in the first place.
147. Coffins are creepy unless you put fluorescent lights inside and tell people it will make them tan.
148. You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.
149. I set aside some time each day to humiliate myself in public. Don't you?
150. I'm 72% sure we'll only get married if relationship gets to the point where we need protection from legally testifying against each other.
151. Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?
152. I've always believed that there is good in everyone, and tried not to let anyone make me become jaded... Guess I'm pretty fuckin' naive.
153. Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
154. I'd like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
155. When you're at the store & you think you know someone but not sure. You keep looking at them and hope they don't realize you're staring at them.
156. I always wonder if anyone has watched Auction Hunters and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?
157. How much do you care about the environment? Join a "Share a Shower" water conservation program! #ConserveWater 
158. I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
159. Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
160. Who else is just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again?
161. If you can't read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that shit.
162. At Nickelodeon, they're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like
163. *Accidentally burns finger* - "Ouch that hurt" *Steps on a lego barefoot* -"AHHH FUCK! HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT! SON OF A BITCH! MAN DOWN!!! MAN DOWN!!!"
164. My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tushie,butt, rump, money-maker, hiney, derrier, gluttomus maximus and badonkadonk
165. If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
166. Are you Martin Luther King Jr.? No? Then shut up. No one wants to hear about your dream last night.
167. If "Cops" has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces, they're nothing but trouble...
168. My handwriting is so bad I could become a doctor.
169. Strange how people claim that they're independent, but depend on someone else for their happiness.
170. I like to spend time going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car asking, "What robot does that one turn into?"
171. Teach kids that "epic" is a bad word... We don't need anymore people saying that about anything.
172. I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized as well.
173. Yep, internet explorer can run faster than me.
174. I would rather play Russian Roulette than Monopoly. At least I know there's an end to that game.
175. There are some people that say "Love is magic". Keep in mind.. Magic is an illusion.
176. I never give money to the big pharmaceutical companies because they'll only spend it on drugs
177. Every time I wake up with a massive headache, I think to myself... "I've had another encounter with the MIB again."
178. I'm pretty sure drunk chicks are breaking some type of piracy law claiming that every song is their song.
179. If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
180. In Canada, if you say you're packing heat, it means you've got hand warmers in your gloves
181. Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
182. Every Saturday I spent the morning at the farmers market, carefully selecting fruits and vegetables that I'll be throwing away next Saturday
183. To all the parents out there... Did you ever wonder why Papa Bear and Mama Bear weren't sleeping in the same bed?
184. See someone you know in a store. "WHAT'S UP!" Walk around and see them again, Nod your head & slight wave. 3rd time, avoid all eye contact.
185. Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 5, so you can choose.
186. If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
187. I don't trust anyone that sleeps with just one pillow.
188. Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.
189. There is no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
190. When you're watching TV and they say "Don't try this at home." Say "Okay." Then go to a friend's house and try it there.
191. I have the unparalleled ability to do absolutely nothing while simultaneously fucking everything up.
192. I'm perfectly capable of wasting my own time, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.
193. Probably the most disappointing thing about growing up is realizing that pianos don't literally fall from the sky on top of your arch-enemy.
194. Dr. Seuss could've been the greatest rapper of all time.
195. Love is always worth fighting for, unless of course, you're the only one fighting for it.
196. The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

The Jedi order was full of hypocrisies, and the "evil" Sith weren't as evil as thought

Consider the following.

First:

Chancellor Palpatine: Remember back to your early teachings, Anakin. All those who gain power are afraid to lose it. Even the Jedi.

Anakin Skywalker: The Jedi use their power for good.

Chancellor Palpatine: Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way. Including their quest for greater power.

Anakin Skywalker: The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inward, only about themselves.

Chancellor Palpatine: And the Jedi don't?

Second, consider the (apocryphal) Jedi Code:

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is the Force.

Superficially, these all seem like reassuring, cautionary notes. But they're insidious because:

- The Jedi encourage their Order to feel nothing -- "no emotion." Feeling, emoting, being affected by what happens to us and others is at the heart of empathy. The Jedi caution against it.

- The Jedi believe they are not ignorant; that they have the knowledge. This isn't a question of promoting the acquisition of knowledge, it's a statement that they already have it. This is the height of hubris and this way lies naught but bigotry and arrogant presumption.

- No passion? No love? No stirring oneself to action while bearing witness to the suffering of others? No convictions? This is laudable?

- No chaos superficially seems good. Keep things stable, predictable... stagnant. Don't question. Don't rock the boat. Keep your head down. Do what you're told. Chaos is change. Change can be for the worse or for the better, but life is change. Without change -- without chaos -- nothing happens at all.

- Death is everywhere. We face it often. Pretending it doesn't exist, turning a blind eye to death and its consequences, is utterly irresponsible.

By contrast, consider the (apocryphal) Sith Code:

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall free me.

Peace is a lie, when contrasted with passion. Every single Jedi demonstrates a depth of feeling about something at some point. Consider Obi-Wan's anguished cries after he mutilated Anakin.
Consider the fury in Mace Windu's eyes when he confronted then-Chancellor Palpatine.

Consider the weary defeat in Yoda's retreat from his duel with Darth Sidious.

Peace and conflict are one another's interregnums. They are both temporary, both impermanent. Seeking perpetual peace is a lie.

The next several lines all connect to form a single sentiment: your passions fuel you to overcome the chains that bind you from acting and succeeding in those actions. Confidence emerges from this. Changing the world emerges from this. Achieving one's dreams emerges from this. MLK Jr. was passionate about Civil Rights. His passion gave him the strength to protest the injustices he saw. His courage and conviction and oratory prowess attracted followers and gained him the power to effect change. And, despite his assassination, he helped bring about tremendous positive change -- he achieved victory and broke chains. Nothing in the Jedi code correlates to these actions, these successes.

Much is made of "power" being evil unto itself. "Power corrupts" and "absolute power corrupts absolutely" -- almost everyone has heard these phrases. And power certainly can corrupt. One need only look at the current state of political affairs in the U.S. to see the blatant corruption the powerful financial moguls have wrought. But that requires a narrow definition of "power." Power -- socially, personally -- is the ability to effect change. To disrupt the status quo. To see a wrong and decide to make things better. Without power, nothing happens. Amassing power -- or yoking the collective power of a group -- is the only way to do this. We've seen this throughout history, time and again.

Granting then that power is not innately evil, but merely the means by which change is effected by an individual, you get into discussions of individual good or evil. Is killing someone good or evil? Makes a difference if the killing happens in cold blood or if it's done in defense of another life being threatened by the person you kill, doesn't it? We call the former murder and the latter self-defense. Context is everything. Have there been evil Sith? Certainly. Have there also been evil Jedi?

The peaceful Republic that preceded the Clone Wars had, under the stewardship of the Jedi, achieved unprecedented levels of bureaucracy and corruption to the point where an independent entity could illegally blockade a world and the Republic did nothing to stop it. They sent some Jedi to negotiate. Period. It was a friggin' blockade! Why didn't the Republic fleet, minimal though it may have been at the time, unleash unmitigated fury against such a blatant act? The Jedi were at the very least complicit if not out-right responsible for the Republic reaching this low. Is that not itself evil, even if it's a mild, passive form of it?

Perhaps we should look at Mace Windu and his entourage going to arrest Chancellor Palpatine without the authority of the Senate backing them. The Jedi staged a coup of the legal government of the Republic, entirely because Anakin identified Palpatine as a Sith Lord. How do we view countries where one religious group attacks another for control of the country, regardless of whatever history of conflict those religious groups have?

"But Palpatine orchestrated the Clone Wars! He was behind all that death!" And the Jedi had what proof of that at the time they went to arrest him? None. They had Anakin telling them he thought Palpatine was a Sith Lord. Period. Everything else was speculative. They went to arrest an elected official without evidence and without legal authority to do so on the grounds that he was identified to have a different religion and may have been connected to an ongoing conflict -- over which he had presided on their side to that point!

It goes on and on. And this all centers around one Sith Lord and the question of whether or not he was evil.

There's nothing innate to the Sith that makes them evil. Indeed, the values they hold are all about self-empowerment to bring about change and throw off oppression in all its forms. The Jedi, by contrast, are about stagnancy and suppression of the self.

Which of those sounds more evil to you?

SOURCE

Life, so on and so forth, blah blah blah.

Thanks to Jessicka Hazard for most of these. :-)

1. I'm not fucking stupid. I mean I used to, but then we broke up.
2. Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 3 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
3. Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something out of myself.
4. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.
5. Relationships are like garage sales: from a distance it looks like something interesting but up close it's just a lot of shit you don't need
6. Today I'm living life on the edge, I didn't mean to... Next time I'll check the date on the soy milk before I drink it.
7. Whoever said "Words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
8. Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff now-a-days.
9. Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
10. The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
11. So far everyone I've met in life has liked me enough to not murder me, feeling pretty good.
12. Apparently Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things.
13. It's interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
14. Someone needs to open a low-carb Chinese food restaurant and call it "No More Mr. Rice Guy."
15. Ugh, I need new swear words.
16. Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." I just made it up. Tell the others.
17. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
18. In my opinion the decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
19. I'd like to have a word with you. The word is sex.
20. What this earth needs in order for our species to truly advance is an emoticon that represents the act of dropping the mic.
21. People with one syllable names fucking ruin the happy birthday song.
22. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
23. Slept over at a friend's house once in third grade. He poured milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now
24. Little old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs aren't fooling me.... Retired mermaids.
25. From now on don't refer to your foot as "asleep", say you have coma toes.
26. I don't know which is getting more out of control nail art or latte foam art..
27. It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot
28. Everyone listen up. Pay attention because I'm only going to say this once: this.
29. Next time someone asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If they manage to call you, they're a keeper.
30. Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn't get your message.
31. From now on... before I do laundry, I'm throwing out every 5th sock. * shakes fist at sky* CAUSE I LOSE SHIT ON MY OWN TERMS DAMMIT.
32. Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
33. If you haven't said "Luke I am your father," into an oscillating fan, then we can't hang out.
34. Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
35. I'm glad people can't see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, "Don't Answer" and "Douchebag" and "Owes me $3,000".
36. The new term for farting should be "buttboxing"
37. For fun, I steal my married friends phones and change my name to "Brandy from the club" then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
38. Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
39. I whisper, "Thug life" whilst pressing my finger into the loaves of bread at the grocery store.
40. When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til 12:01pm, because... I'm a problem solver.
41. I'm going to clean my house today...and by cleaning, I mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
42. No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
43. #Autocorrect doesn't recognize tsunami so if anyone sends you a text that says Mao Tse Tung get the fuck away from the ocean
44. I don't have a smartphone... I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply itself.
45. Freshly washed sheets are probably what it feels like inside an Angel's vagina.
46. After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
47. Thanksgiving is weird. What other day would you celebrate by giving your relatives the bird after they tell you to stuff it?
48. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
49. Always remember, no one is listening until you fart.
50. Studies show 98% of intellectually deficient people read the computer with their hand on the mouse. Don't move it now, it's too late.
51. Squirrels: little puffballs of disaster.
52. Math Problem: A smalltown girl boards a train leaving South Detroit at midnight. If she doesn't stop believing, how long is her Journey?
53. I am so glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones and YouTube for evidence.
54. People call today Hump Day. I call it false advertising.
55. If you're out running in jeans, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
56. Nephew and I... joking around at the bus stop. ME: "Qué pasa" NEPHEW: "What's gay pasta?"
57.  The only reason I keep more than half the phone numbers in my phone... is to avoid their calls.
58. People who say "have cake and eat it too" lose 5 degrees of respect. If I have ordered a cake, what the fuck do you think I'm going to do?
59. What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
60. Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.
61. Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole damn bag.
62. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.
63. I know I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go fuck yourself. Whichever.
64. Funny, when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it's "art" and "music"... but if I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave Home Depot".
65. Just saying... I'm not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation
66. LOGIC: You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Wheeeeeeee!"
67. Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
68. It's hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
69. If there is anything you're ever embarrassed to buy, get a birthday card with it. Problem solved.
70. Don't try to debrief me. I'm not wearing any.
71. Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my gal's hair. It's a nice way to let her know I love her and also that we're out of napkins
72. Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, it makes you a horrible driver.
73. There are two types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
74. Some people are like bubble wrap...it's almost therapeutic to fuck with them.
75. If someone dials your number while their phone is in their back pocket, is that a Booty Call?
76. Does anyone remember when the old Nokia phone said low battery. .. you had like 2 days to find a charger?
77. If you need help at Home Depot and you're being ignored, get on one of the rolling step ladders, give a push and yell "Wheeeee!"
78. The only time somebody should be looking down on you is when they are on top of you.
79. Sometimes you just have to admit that everyone else is wrong.
80. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at
81. No, I'm not trying to insinuate that you're stupid... I'm flat out saying it. Here, I wrote it in crayon so you'd understand.
82. I'm not sure where you learned to whisper but I'm guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by fucking chainsaws.
83. I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I'm sure you'd be just as disappointed as I used to be with your "skills".
84. Swimming can be confusing, sometimes you do it for fun... or, as to not die.
85. If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I'm out of toilet paper.
86. Life can be like Chess sometimes... I don't know how to play Chess.
87. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.
88. Have you ever taken a nap; to have a dream, that when you awoke... you questioned reality?
89. The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure he's going to get me something.
90. If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected the expected?
91. Deep down I don't believe that paper beats rock.
92. I was gonna take over the effin world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.
93. Always carrying a Slide Whistle to use whenever I catch someone taking a selfie has been the greatest decision of my adult life.
94. Note to self: When you stand behind someone at the bus stop and make shadow puppets eat them... They are NOT amused.
95. Long story short, I love summaries.
96. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? :-/
97. The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
98. Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
99. Don't mess with anyone who has a mustache. You just don't mess with someone who decided the mouth needs an eyebrow. That's an insane person.
100. One day you'll die, but all the other days you won't... so that's pretty cool. Sorry, inspirational quotes are hard.
101. It kinda seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night
102. My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
103. When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I look at everyone inside and say, "Are you ready to take this to a whole new level?"
104. If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
105. Getting bored, so I'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I'm him from the future.
106. It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
107. I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
108. So I just used a twix bar to stir my coffee. Ps Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
109. "It is better to give than to receive."- Liars
110. The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
111. Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
112. Do angry people know about naps?
113. What's with all these glass half empty or full posts? Fill the rest with vodka and enjoy. Now on to a bigger issue. How did Catdog poop?
114. I just ended racism, stopped bullying & banned gay bashing, and halted climate change by liking pages on Facebook. You're welcome, everyone.
115. My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that
116. A big "shout out" to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
117. However lonely you feel, you're never really alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house and on you
118. We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days. It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.
119. Just ordered an egg and a chicken off ebay... I'll let you know.
120. Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.
121. "No sign of trauma, vitals look good, everything's going to be fine"- me after I've dropped my phone.
122. If people played with their spouses like they did their phones the divorce rate would drop drastically.
123. I dislike when being on the phone with someone, you both say your goodbyes... and as you hangup they start talking to you again.
124. "No pain no gain," I whisper, jamming my arm further up the vending machine.
125. SHRINK: Tell me, what’s your spirit animal? ME: The dodo. SHRINK: Um… OK, I think that’s about all the time we have for today.
126. If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
127. The guy who discovered milk probably did a lot of other weird shit.
128.  Camouflage condoms: They'll never see you cumming.
129. On your mark, get set, go fuck yourself.
130. Anyone that encourages pulp to be in orange juice should not be considered trustworthy.
131.  Prince Harry must feel all kinds of weird when he's stuffing pictures of his grandmother in the strippers' g-strings.
132. I am a big believer in random acts of kindness. Also random acts of karate chops.
133. I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs
134. Make kids clean their rooms 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you've been under water for too long.
135. If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
136. Just looked up "politics" in the dictionary. "Poli" which means 'many' and "tics" which mean 'bloodsuckers'
137. I want to change my VM to. "Please leave your name, number, and as long as I'm making demands, your best rendition of "I Believe I Can Fly"
138. There's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
139. Reaching for the stars is a bad idea. Reach the stars on Earth and get a restraining order; reach the stars in the heavens and be vaporized
140. A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts
141. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas
142. When everything seems to fall apart, don't forget to yell "JENGA!"
143. The older I get, the more I understand someone's desire to just say- "Fuck it. I'm going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
144.  Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It's Made" episode on babies.
145. This chair is so high, my feet are dangling 2 feet up... And I'm sleepy, I keep nodding off. This is going to end badly.
146. A turkey says: Gobble Gobble. A chicken says: Cluck cluck mother fucker.
147. Yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
148. Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
149. #Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS
150. Before you begin a serious relationship make sure you agree on the import stuff like children, marriage and levels of pulp in orange juice.
151. Doctors ask "Are you sexually active?" Define "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in hundreds of years.
152. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'
153. Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
154. I want to buy a hedgehog and bring it into the library then frantically ask the clerk where she keeps the reverse spell casting books
155. I get massively nervous when the waiter/waitress doesn't write down the order.
156. Aren't they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
157. "Alfonzo?" "No it's Alonzo." "Ahh okay, so your parents didn't give an F."
158. I never run voluntarily so if you ever see me running... You should beat feet as well because something is seriously wrong
159. Unwillingly found out why someone deleted me yesterday... As it turns out, some of my friends are even more sensitive than my nipples.
160. They say you've got to spend money to make money. I feel like there's a step missing.
161. The search for Flight 370 was declared "the most difficult in human history". Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment
162. "This chicken is undercooked. I think of we take it to the vet right now, we can still save it!"
163. WEB MD should have a simple answer like "Calm down-you probably just ate too much."
164. Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
165. Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
166. Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they're going to put you in one.
167. I feel very uncomfortable when people watch me eat a banana.
168. When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
169. I'm surprised my snooze button isn't pregnant from how many times I hit it in the morning.
170. Extra sensitive condoms are just regular condoms that like watching romantic comedies and listen to Phil Collins.
171.  Ever talk to someone and they say something so stupid you actually squint?
172. I don't care how rough your childhood was. My generation had to witness Littlefoot say goodbye to his dying mother on "Land Before Time".
173. Why do people say "A true friend stabs you in the front."? I would have assumed that... A true friend just puts the knife down.
174. I feel like it takes me three days to wake up in the morning.
175. Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
176. I'm just about famous enough to have Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
177. Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
178. Gettin' real tired of wearing pants and having responsibilities..
179. If you like piña coladas..
180. Sometimes, when I'm dealing with people, I cant help to think, "Yep, I'm about to get my first assault and battery charge."
181. Am I the only one that feels like Steve Irwin wrestling an alligator... after a corner of the fitted sheet pops off the bed? Just curious.
182.  No matter how nice I ask people, nobody has ever taken me to Funkytown.
183. I'm pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
184. Life fact #2747463 "Make it rain" is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
185. "Look, you just have to trust me that donk is a real word." - me, playing scrabble
186. People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
187. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
188. I'm trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money
189. Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
190. Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
191. Landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
192. Not sure if I can do "cold turkey". I've always fancied my turkey hot, or a least luke warm. Fair warning.
193. Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.
194. "How to Train Your Dragon" offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
195. Every pizza is a personal pizza... if you try hard enough.
196. The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
197. Eating fruit flavored candy doesn't count as eating healthy.
198. My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
199. Sometimes when I hear people speak, I wonder who ties their shoelaces.
200. Promises = Once upon a time
201. The Star-Spangled Banner is sadly the only time we get to use the word spangled.
202. If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way.
203. I have some time to spare tomorrow... Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
204. All I'm saying is... you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
205. My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
206. I wonder why it took so long to make a car visor out of sunglass lenses. *smacks forehead* Now that is genius.
207. Whilst everyone else is all about pumpkin spice, I'm like... Come on T.W.D.
208. Always remember: family don't mean shit to a snake.
209. I'd be unstoppable if it wasn't for law enforcement and physics.
210. A slug is just a divorced snail.
211.  Discipline your children so a correctional officer won't have to do it later.
212. Don't let anyone push you around. Unless it's in a wagon because that's actually fun.
213. Sometimes I feel intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next
214. Wayyyy too much creamer in my coffee this morning, tastes like caffeinated breast milk.
215. People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
216. Hey Whole Foods: I'm not a chemist, but I don't think you can have 'Organic Salt'.
217. I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.
218. Do you guys realize that when you speak in emoji, you're basically using modern day hieroglyphics?
219. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE EFF WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.
220. I'm like a kid in a candy store, I can't afford anything.
221. When prostitutes go on strike they really don't give a fuck.
222. Whenever I sing in the shower, my GF goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to make sure the neighbors know she's not torturing me
223. A butt load is an actual form of measurement. Don't believe me? Ask a drug smuggler.
224. Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.
225. Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.
226. I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.
227.  What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
228. There's 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
229. In high school I told everyone I had a twin, so if they seen me in public I wouldn't have to talk to them.
230. I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
231. Sorry I invited FEMA to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.
232. All the Netflix ads show people watching shows in jeans and I'm like that is not an accurate portrayal of how we the people watch Netflix
233. If a zombie apocalypse broke out in Vegas would it stay in Vegas?
234. Tip of the day... Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
235. I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.
236. Technically, if you don't cut the cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you only had one piece
237. Most definitely thought I saw a ghost... Alas it was my shadow.
238. Schools seem to have gotten rid of D.A.R.E. around the same time they started pushing prescription medications on parents for the kids.
239. Might wake up early tomorrow and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same.
240. How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie?
241. The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
242. Next someone asks you for a threesome...say if they wanted to disappoint two people at once, just go out to dinner with your parents.
243. Current caffeine level: scared Chihuahua
244. I'm a down-to-earth kinda guy. Cause... you know, gravity.
245. Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a brick.
246. Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a kid, mice had balls.
247. I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
248. I think my mailman is stealing all my Nigerian checks.
249. So many village idiots. So few dragons.
250. Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
251. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
252.  If a man holds a gun to his head... Why do the police point their guns at said man, telling him to put the gun down?
253. If a guy's "junk" is his genitals, and a girl's "trunk" is her butt, then isn't "junk in the trunk" getting f... Never mind!
254. Strip Clubs: Where men go to get boners together as confirmation of their heterosexuality.
255. Hate to brag but sometimes I have my shit together for 2, even 3 days at a time.
256. Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
257. Some days "solitary confinement" sounds more like paradise than like punishment.
258. Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable? Love always, Logics
259. If a potential employer asks why you lost your last job, take a breath, look them in the eye, and say you got too close to the truth.
260. Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
261. Well, person I've only met once who remembers my name,...you win this round.
262. Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.
263. You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
264. One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?
265. If you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die.
266. Guys! If a girl posts 5 selfies a day, regardless of how hot she is, let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required.
267. The world belongs to the kids who climb up the slide instead of using the steps.
268. Whenever you think you have it bad remember... None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
269. Did you know... taking rolled coin to the bank really pisses tellers off? Piggybank cash-ins are their worst nightmare
270. The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
271. What's the difference between the U.S. Government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
272. If you're having second thoughts... You're two ahead of most people. Common sense seems to be very uncommon nowadays.
273. Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
274. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
275. You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
276. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the hell am I doing here I'm a savanna animal.
277. My family laughs because I'm losing my hearing. We'll see who's laughing when I'm the only other person home and they run out of toilet paper.
278. Does anyone else think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel everyday?
279. I'm sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn't really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
280. TOP TIP: ask your crush "hey wanna date?" and if they reject you just pull out some dried fruit and say "Okay, more for me"
281. "You're still a rockstar" I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.
282. I had a lot of disappointing moments in my life... but really high up on that list, is a stale box of Junior Mints.
283. CEO: "Ugh this cereal is disappointing and makes me wanna cry. What should we call it?" ME: "Life?"
284. Our coffee pot aspires to be a volcano one day.
285. Anyone else notice that the world economy started to tank and terrorism boomed around the time that gluten-free products became a thing?
286. All the debates in televised history: "Senator, how will you solve this thing that no one has been able to solve ever? You have 60 seconds"
287. Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.
288. Sometimes I mix the chicken &shrimp seasoning in ramen noodles & pretend I'm eating some hybrid mythical creature. Helps me forget I'm poor.
289. Beggin'Strips enough already! Dogs smell cocaine stuffed in a vag across an airport; I'm sure they know it's NOT bacon.
290. Lately, it seems like 90% of parenting is loudly telling the kids to stop being loud.
291. I never understood why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up and take the disc out
292. Ever since I misplaced my dictionary, I've been at a loss for words.
293. When you get a genie, it can only give you 3 wishes, but you can't wish for more wishes. Why does no one think to wish for more genies?
294. Everyone sleeps to rest, I sleep to stay out of trouble
295. Walmart is like a casino: No windows, No clocks, they have beer, smokes and you leave with less money than you came in with.
296. Scariest moment: flushing the toilet at someone else house, and the water starts to rise....and they don't have a plunger.
297. Sadly, my day requires pants...
298. I bought a new printer because it was cheaper than ink refills. Now I'm wondering how long before new cars are cheaper than fuel.
299. When I see someone jogging, I want to drive slowly down the road behind them and blast "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation.
300. Who else strives to accomplish something before the microwave is done?
301. Synonym - a word to replace the one you couldn't spell
302. Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, and no, I’m not sorry about your table
303. Lately I've been going to parking lots and putting sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watching their reaction
304. Bought a penis enhancement device on EBay...bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
305. Lost the bar trivia contest last night. The last question: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

AARGAU

"The Bank and the depositors of Aargau welcome you in the name of the sacred balance!"
―Aargau security captain

Aargau was a planet in the Zug system of the Core Worlds region, not far from Coruscant and the Corellian Run. It was run by and served as the headquarters for the Bank of Aargau, which was part of the InterGalactic Banking Clan. Numerous other banks and corporations were also based on Aargau, including the Z-Gomot Ternbuell Guppat Corporation. Aargau was an exceptionally wealthy world, due both to its status as a financial center, as well as the planet's vast reserves of rare and precious metals.

Aargau was a member of the Galactic Republic from its discovery until the end of that galactic power. After the fall of the Galactic Empire, it was considered a New Republic stronghold. The region of space occupied by the planet would later fall under the hegemony of first the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances, and then subsequently Darth Krayt's Galactic Empire. Despite this, Aargau took a neutral approach to politics, which meant that warring factions were mutually welcome to conduct business on the planet. The planetary government imposed only three laws on citizens and visitors, called the Three Statutes of Aargau. These laws focused on the export of Aargau's natural resources, the absolute ban on weapons for visitors—and, conversely, the requirement to bear arms for Aargauuns—as well as maintaining the integrity of the Bank of Aargau. Breaking any of these rules was punishable by immediate execution.

Aargau occupied a central location in the Core Worlds region; not only was it in close proximity to the politically important world of Coruscant, it was also surrounded by hyperlanes such as the Corellian Run and the Ag Circuit. Thanks to this, combined with a culture fixated on banking and finance, as well as enormous reserves of valuable metals, the planet became an economic powerhouse. Several governments, corporations, and organizations stored their assets in the planet's thousands of secure vaults.

Aargau's government, the Bank of Aargau, which in turn was owned by the InterGalactic Banking Clan, operated with only three primary laws called the Three Statutes of Aargau, all of which were punishable with death if broken. It was illegal to export Aargau's rare metals without proper approval, for non-Aargauuns to carry weapons—on the other hand, it was illegal for Aargauun citizens to be unarmed—and finally, it was unlawful to "defraud, discredit or deceive" the Bank of Aargau. The Bank's wholly owned subsidiary Bank of Aargau Security was, at the time of the Galactic Empire, the largest privately owned army in the galaxy. The Aargau Home Guard frequently played war games around Aargau's capital, New Escrow. This display of military power was meant to deter foreign powers from invading the planet, but in reality, Aargau's financial position already ensured this was an unpopular notion. Due to the planet's laws on export, the Bank of Aargau Security subsidiary BAS Customs strictly monitored all inbound and outgoing traffic.

Much of Aargau's surface was covered by city, though far from all of it. While the higher, newer levels of the cities were seat to the planet's political and financial power, the millions of years-old lower levels referred to as the Undercity, were home to a seedier element, which included members of the Hutt Desilijic clan. Due to Aargau's unique laws, this group of people were free to conduct their somewhat shady business mostly in peace.

Early history

Aargauun history stretched back millions of years, to the construction of its first cities by the planet's original natives. The existence of the enormous Dawn Pyramid of Aargau—considered by the historian Vicendi to be one of the Twenty Wonders of the Galaxy—led some scientists to believe the planet had been visited by the Sharu civilization several thousands of years prior to the founding of the Galactic Republic. Aargau was discovered by the Republic and the galactic community at large between 20,000 and 17,000 BBY, in the period of time referred to as the Great Manifest Period. Over time, Humans came to be the dominant species of the planet, and the Bank of Aargau became its planetary government. It was considered a major financial center by 3963 BBY, and was in direct competition with the Telerath Interstellar Banking Initiative until Telerath was abandoned during the Mandalorian Wars.

Clone Wars

In 22 BBY, just prior to the outbreak of the Clone Wars, Senator Aks Moe of Malastare was killed in a bomb explosion in New Escrow. Moe was visiting the planet to negotiate a deal with the InterGalactic Banking Clan to secure funding for a proposed Republic military initiative to deal with the Separatist Crisis, which concerned a rapidly growing secessionist movement within the Republic itself. This movement was suspected of being involved with Moe's assassination, but that claim was never proven.

When the war broke out, Aargau retained its neutral stance, despite the fact that the Banking Clan were heavily involved in the war on the Separatist side. The Republic, fearful for its substantial investments, and suspecting the Banking Clan of manufacturing Hailfire droids on the planet, garrisoned a large peacekeeping force of clone troopers in major cities, including the InterGalactic Banking Clan Arcology. This was not without controversy: technically, the Republic occupation broke one of the Three Statutes of Aargau, specifically the one stating no non-Aargauuns could carry weapons. Not before Aargau threatened to secede did the Republic send diplomatic envoys.

Republic intervention, however, did not stop the prominent Confederacy of Independent Systems official San Hill from visiting the planet to attempt to recruit the crime lord Gorga Desilijic Aarrpo to the Separatist cause—a meeting that, by chance, was witnessed by the future leader of the Mandalorians, Boba Fett. During the war, the neutral organization Aargau Medical Observer Corps investigated recent battlefields for evidence of war crimes. This inquisitional organ was tolerated by both sides of the conflict.

Galactic Civil War

In the early days of the Galactic Empire, the Galactic Corporate Policy League held a week-long meeting on Aargau in the famed Dragonbird Gardens to plan and write the charter proposing the establishment of the Corporate Sector Authority, a Corporate Sector-based interplanetary government focused on free enterprise.

The planet retained its neutrality throughout the Galactic Civil War, which meant that both the Alliance to Restore the Republic and Galactic Empire could conduct business on the banking world. In 3 ABY Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan attempted to secure a loan for the Alliance that would enable the organization to procure several T-65 X-wing starfighters. The collateral presented for the loan were the priceless Crown Jewels of Alderaan. Imperial Supreme Commander and Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader, also on Aargau at the time, feigned an attempt to stop Organa's financial transaction from going through. His actual objective was securing the crown jewels, which he promptly stole as soon as the Alliance's loan was approved. Both Organa and Vader were tried in absentia following this incident, and were recommended to be arrested should either of them return to the planet.

During the Imperial Civil War, a conflict that lasted from 4 to 12 ABY, Aargau became a New Republic fortress world, and was garrisoned with a fleet consisting of hundreds of warships. Between 10 and 11 ABY, following the resurrection of Emperor Palpatine, a battle between Imperial forces from the Deep Core and the New Republic was fought on Aargau.

Later history

Aargau completely avoided the destruction wrought by the Yuuzhan Vong War. The region of space occupied by the planet fell under the political hegemony of the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances, and later Darth Krayt's Galactic Empire.