Life, so on and so forth, blah blah blah.

Thanks to Jessicka Hazard for most of these. :-)

1. I'm not fucking stupid. I mean I used to, but then we broke up.
2. Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 3 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
3. Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something out of myself.
4. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.
5. Relationships are like garage sales: from a distance it looks like something interesting but up close it's just a lot of shit you don't need
6. Today I'm living life on the edge, I didn't mean to... Next time I'll check the date on the soy milk before I drink it.
7. Whoever said "Words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
8. Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff now-a-days.
9. Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
10. The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
11. So far everyone I've met in life has liked me enough to not murder me, feeling pretty good.
12. Apparently Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things.
13. It's interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
14. Someone needs to open a low-carb Chinese food restaurant and call it "No More Mr. Rice Guy."
15. Ugh, I need new swear words.
16. Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." I just made it up. Tell the others.
17. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
18. In my opinion the decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
19. I'd like to have a word with you. The word is sex.
20. What this earth needs in order for our species to truly advance is an emoticon that represents the act of dropping the mic.
21. People with one syllable names fucking ruin the happy birthday song.
22. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
23. Slept over at a friend's house once in third grade. He poured milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now
24. Little old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs aren't fooling me.... Retired mermaids.
25. From now on don't refer to your foot as "asleep", say you have coma toes.
26. I don't know which is getting more out of control nail art or latte foam art..
27. It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot
28. Everyone listen up. Pay attention because I'm only going to say this once: this.
29. Next time someone asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If they manage to call you, they're a keeper.
30. Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn't get your message.
31. From now on... before I do laundry, I'm throwing out every 5th sock. * shakes fist at sky* CAUSE I LOSE SHIT ON MY OWN TERMS DAMMIT.
32. Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
33. If you haven't said "Luke I am your father," into an oscillating fan, then we can't hang out.
34. Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
35. I'm glad people can't see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, "Don't Answer" and "Douchebag" and "Owes me $3,000".
36. The new term for farting should be "buttboxing"
37. For fun, I steal my married friends phones and change my name to "Brandy from the club" then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
38. Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
39. I whisper, "Thug life" whilst pressing my finger into the loaves of bread at the grocery store.
40. When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til 12:01pm, because... I'm a problem solver.
41. I'm going to clean my house today...and by cleaning, I mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
42. No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
43. #Autocorrect doesn't recognize tsunami so if anyone sends you a text that says Mao Tse Tung get the fuck away from the ocean
44. I don't have a smartphone... I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply itself.
45. Freshly washed sheets are probably what it feels like inside an Angel's vagina.
46. After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
47. Thanksgiving is weird. What other day would you celebrate by giving your relatives the bird after they tell you to stuff it?
48. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
49. Always remember, no one is listening until you fart.
50. Studies show 98% of intellectually deficient people read the computer with their hand on the mouse. Don't move it now, it's too late.
51. Squirrels: little puffballs of disaster.
52. Math Problem: A smalltown girl boards a train leaving South Detroit at midnight. If she doesn't stop believing, how long is her Journey?
53. I am so glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones and YouTube for evidence.
54. People call today Hump Day. I call it false advertising.
55. If you're out running in jeans, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
56. Nephew and I... joking around at the bus stop. ME: "Qué pasa" NEPHEW: "What's gay pasta?"
57.  The only reason I keep more than half the phone numbers in my phone... is to avoid their calls.
58. People who say "have cake and eat it too" lose 5 degrees of respect. If I have ordered a cake, what the fuck do you think I'm going to do?
59. What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
60. Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.
61. Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole damn bag.
62. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.
63. I know I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go fuck yourself. Whichever.
64. Funny, when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it's "art" and "music"... but if I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave Home Depot".
65. Just saying... I'm not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation
66. LOGIC: You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Wheeeeeeee!"
67. Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
68. It's hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
69. If there is anything you're ever embarrassed to buy, get a birthday card with it. Problem solved.
70. Don't try to debrief me. I'm not wearing any.
71. Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my gal's hair. It's a nice way to let her know I love her and also that we're out of napkins
72. Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, it makes you a horrible driver.
73. There are two types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
74. Some people are like bubble wrap...it's almost therapeutic to fuck with them.
75. If someone dials your number while their phone is in their back pocket, is that a Booty Call?
76. Does anyone remember when the old Nokia phone said low battery. .. you had like 2 days to find a charger?
77. If you need help at Home Depot and you're being ignored, get on one of the rolling step ladders, give a push and yell "Wheeeee!"
78. The only time somebody should be looking down on you is when they are on top of you.
79. Sometimes you just have to admit that everyone else is wrong.
80. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at
81. No, I'm not trying to insinuate that you're stupid... I'm flat out saying it. Here, I wrote it in crayon so you'd understand.
82. I'm not sure where you learned to whisper but I'm guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by fucking chainsaws.
83. I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I'm sure you'd be just as disappointed as I used to be with your "skills".
84. Swimming can be confusing, sometimes you do it for fun... or, as to not die.
85. If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I'm out of toilet paper.
86. Life can be like Chess sometimes... I don't know how to play Chess.
87. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.
88. Have you ever taken a nap; to have a dream, that when you awoke... you questioned reality?
89. The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure he's going to get me something.
90. If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected the expected?
91. Deep down I don't believe that paper beats rock.
92. I was gonna take over the effin world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.
93. Always carrying a Slide Whistle to use whenever I catch someone taking a selfie has been the greatest decision of my adult life.
94. Note to self: When you stand behind someone at the bus stop and make shadow puppets eat them... They are NOT amused.
95. Long story short, I love summaries.
96. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? :-/
97. The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
98. Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
99. Don't mess with anyone who has a mustache. You just don't mess with someone who decided the mouth needs an eyebrow. That's an insane person.
100. One day you'll die, but all the other days you won't... so that's pretty cool. Sorry, inspirational quotes are hard.
101. It kinda seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night
102. My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
103. When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I look at everyone inside and say, "Are you ready to take this to a whole new level?"
104. If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
105. Getting bored, so I'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I'm him from the future.
106. It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
107. I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
108. So I just used a twix bar to stir my coffee. Ps Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
109. "It is better to give than to receive."- Liars
110. The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
111. Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
112. Do angry people know about naps?
113. What's with all these glass half empty or full posts? Fill the rest with vodka and enjoy. Now on to a bigger issue. How did Catdog poop?
114. I just ended racism, stopped bullying & banned gay bashing, and halted climate change by liking pages on Facebook. You're welcome, everyone.
115. My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that
116. A big "shout out" to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
117. However lonely you feel, you're never really alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house and on you
118. We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days. It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.
119. Just ordered an egg and a chicken off ebay... I'll let you know.
120. Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.
121. "No sign of trauma, vitals look good, everything's going to be fine"- me after I've dropped my phone.
122. If people played with their spouses like they did their phones the divorce rate would drop drastically.
123. I dislike when being on the phone with someone, you both say your goodbyes... and as you hangup they start talking to you again.
124. "No pain no gain," I whisper, jamming my arm further up the vending machine.
125. SHRINK: Tell me, what’s your spirit animal? ME: The dodo. SHRINK: Um… OK, I think that’s about all the time we have for today.
126. If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
127. The guy who discovered milk probably did a lot of other weird shit.
128.  Camouflage condoms: They'll never see you cumming.
129. On your mark, get set, go fuck yourself.
130. Anyone that encourages pulp to be in orange juice should not be considered trustworthy.
131.  Prince Harry must feel all kinds of weird when he's stuffing pictures of his grandmother in the strippers' g-strings.
132. I am a big believer in random acts of kindness. Also random acts of karate chops.
133. I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs
134. Make kids clean their rooms 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you've been under water for too long.
135. If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
136. Just looked up "politics" in the dictionary. "Poli" which means 'many' and "tics" which mean 'bloodsuckers'
137. I want to change my VM to. "Please leave your name, number, and as long as I'm making demands, your best rendition of "I Believe I Can Fly"
138. There's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
139. Reaching for the stars is a bad idea. Reach the stars on Earth and get a restraining order; reach the stars in the heavens and be vaporized
140. A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts
141. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas
142. When everything seems to fall apart, don't forget to yell "JENGA!"
143. The older I get, the more I understand someone's desire to just say- "Fuck it. I'm going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
144.  Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It's Made" episode on babies.
145. This chair is so high, my feet are dangling 2 feet up... And I'm sleepy, I keep nodding off. This is going to end badly.
146. A turkey says: Gobble Gobble. A chicken says: Cluck cluck mother fucker.
147. Yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
148. Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
149. #Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS
150. Before you begin a serious relationship make sure you agree on the import stuff like children, marriage and levels of pulp in orange juice.
151. Doctors ask "Are you sexually active?" Define "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in hundreds of years.
152. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'
153. Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “Now voice activated!” Then sit back & watch the magic
154. I want to buy a hedgehog and bring it into the library then frantically ask the clerk where she keeps the reverse spell casting books
155. I get massively nervous when the waiter/waitress doesn't write down the order.
156. Aren't they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
157. "Alfonzo?" "No it's Alonzo." "Ahh okay, so your parents didn't give an F."
158. I never run voluntarily so if you ever see me running... You should beat feet as well because something is seriously wrong
159. Unwillingly found out why someone deleted me yesterday... As it turns out, some of my friends are even more sensitive than my nipples.
160. They say you've got to spend money to make money. I feel like there's a step missing.
161. The search for Flight 370 was declared "the most difficult in human history". Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment
162. "This chicken is undercooked. I think of we take it to the vet right now, we can still save it!"
163. WEB MD should have a simple answer like "Calm down-you probably just ate too much."
164. Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
165. Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
166. Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they're going to put you in one.
167. I feel very uncomfortable when people watch me eat a banana.
168. When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic
169. I'm surprised my snooze button isn't pregnant from how many times I hit it in the morning.
170. Extra sensitive condoms are just regular condoms that like watching romantic comedies and listen to Phil Collins.
171.  Ever talk to someone and they say something so stupid you actually squint?
172. I don't care how rough your childhood was. My generation had to witness Littlefoot say goodbye to his dying mother on "Land Before Time".
173. Why do people say "A true friend stabs you in the front."? I would have assumed that... A true friend just puts the knife down.
174. I feel like it takes me three days to wake up in the morning.
175. Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
176. I'm just about famous enough to have Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
177. Finding a whole worm in your apple isn't as bad as finding half of one
178. Gettin' real tired of wearing pants and having responsibilities..
179. If you like piña coladas..
180. Sometimes, when I'm dealing with people, I cant help to think, "Yep, I'm about to get my first assault and battery charge."
181. Am I the only one that feels like Steve Irwin wrestling an alligator... after a corner of the fitted sheet pops off the bed? Just curious.
182.  No matter how nice I ask people, nobody has ever taken me to Funkytown.
183. I'm pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
184. Life fact #2747463 "Make it rain" is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
185. "Look, you just have to trust me that donk is a real word." - me, playing scrabble
186. People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
187. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
188. I'm trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money
189. Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
190. Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
191. Landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
192. Not sure if I can do "cold turkey". I've always fancied my turkey hot, or a least luke warm. Fair warning.
193. Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.
194. "How to Train Your Dragon" offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
195. Every pizza is a personal pizza... if you try hard enough.
196. The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
197. Eating fruit flavored candy doesn't count as eating healthy.
198. My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
199. Sometimes when I hear people speak, I wonder who ties their shoelaces.
200. Promises = Once upon a time
201. The Star-Spangled Banner is sadly the only time we get to use the word spangled.
202. If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way.
203. I have some time to spare tomorrow... Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
204. All I'm saying is... you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
205. My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
206. I wonder why it took so long to make a car visor out of sunglass lenses. *smacks forehead* Now that is genius.
207. Whilst everyone else is all about pumpkin spice, I'm like... Come on T.W.D.
208. Always remember: family don't mean shit to a snake.
209. I'd be unstoppable if it wasn't for law enforcement and physics.
210. A slug is just a divorced snail.
211.  Discipline your children so a correctional officer won't have to do it later.
212. Don't let anyone push you around. Unless it's in a wagon because that's actually fun.
213. Sometimes I feel intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next
214. Wayyyy too much creamer in my coffee this morning, tastes like caffeinated breast milk.
215. People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
216. Hey Whole Foods: I'm not a chemist, but I don't think you can have 'Organic Salt'.
217. I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.
218. Do you guys realize that when you speak in emoji, you're basically using modern day hieroglyphics?
219. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE EFF WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.
220. I'm like a kid in a candy store, I can't afford anything.
221. When prostitutes go on strike they really don't give a fuck.
222. Whenever I sing in the shower, my GF goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to make sure the neighbors know she's not torturing me
223. A butt load is an actual form of measurement. Don't believe me? Ask a drug smuggler.
224. Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.
225. Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.
226. I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.
227.  What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
228. There's 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
229. In high school I told everyone I had a twin, so if they seen me in public I wouldn't have to talk to them.
230. I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
231. Sorry I invited FEMA to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.
232. All the Netflix ads show people watching shows in jeans and I'm like that is not an accurate portrayal of how we the people watch Netflix
233. If a zombie apocalypse broke out in Vegas would it stay in Vegas?
234. Tip of the day... Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
235. I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.
236. Technically, if you don't cut the cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you only had one piece
237. Most definitely thought I saw a ghost... Alas it was my shadow.
238. Schools seem to have gotten rid of D.A.R.E. around the same time they started pushing prescription medications on parents for the kids.
239. Might wake up early tomorrow and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same.
240. How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie?
241. The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
242. Next someone asks you for a threesome...say if they wanted to disappoint two people at once, just go out to dinner with your parents.
243. Current caffeine level: scared Chihuahua
244. I'm a down-to-earth kinda guy. Cause... you know, gravity.
245. Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a brick.
246. Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a kid, mice had balls.
247. I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
248. I think my mailman is stealing all my Nigerian checks.
249. So many village idiots. So few dragons.
250. Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
251. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
252.  If a man holds a gun to his head... Why do the police point their guns at said man, telling him to put the gun down?
253. If a guy's "junk" is his genitals, and a girl's "trunk" is her butt, then isn't "junk in the trunk" getting f... Never mind!
254. Strip Clubs: Where men go to get boners together as confirmation of their heterosexuality.
255. Hate to brag but sometimes I have my shit together for 2, even 3 days at a time.
256. Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
257. Some days "solitary confinement" sounds more like paradise than like punishment.
258. Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable? Love always, Logics
259. If a potential employer asks why you lost your last job, take a breath, look them in the eye, and say you got too close to the truth.
260. Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
261. Well, person I've only met once who remembers my name,...you win this round.
262. Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.
263. You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
264. One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?
265. If you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die.
266. Guys! If a girl posts 5 selfies a day, regardless of how hot she is, let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required.
267. The world belongs to the kids who climb up the slide instead of using the steps.
268. Whenever you think you have it bad remember... None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
269. Did you know... taking rolled coin to the bank really pisses tellers off? Piggybank cash-ins are their worst nightmare
270. The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
271. What's the difference between the U.S. Government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
272. If you're having second thoughts... You're two ahead of most people. Common sense seems to be very uncommon nowadays.
273. Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
274. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
275. You just don't see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
276. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the hell am I doing here I'm a savanna animal.
277. My family laughs because I'm losing my hearing. We'll see who's laughing when I'm the only other person home and they run out of toilet paper.
278. Does anyone else think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel everyday?
279. I'm sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn't really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
280. TOP TIP: ask your crush "hey wanna date?" and if they reject you just pull out some dried fruit and say "Okay, more for me"
281. "You're still a rockstar" I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.
282. I had a lot of disappointing moments in my life... but really high up on that list, is a stale box of Junior Mints.
283. CEO: "Ugh this cereal is disappointing and makes me wanna cry. What should we call it?" ME: "Life?"
284. Our coffee pot aspires to be a volcano one day.
285. Anyone else notice that the world economy started to tank and terrorism boomed around the time that gluten-free products became a thing?
286. All the debates in televised history: "Senator, how will you solve this thing that no one has been able to solve ever? You have 60 seconds"
287. Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.
288. Sometimes I mix the chicken &shrimp seasoning in ramen noodles & pretend I'm eating some hybrid mythical creature. Helps me forget I'm poor.
289. Beggin'Strips enough already! Dogs smell cocaine stuffed in a vag across an airport; I'm sure they know it's NOT bacon.
290. Lately, it seems like 90% of parenting is loudly telling the kids to stop being loud.
291. I never understood why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up and take the disc out
292. Ever since I misplaced my dictionary, I've been at a loss for words.
293. When you get a genie, it can only give you 3 wishes, but you can't wish for more wishes. Why does no one think to wish for more genies?
294. Everyone sleeps to rest, I sleep to stay out of trouble
295. Walmart is like a casino: No windows, No clocks, they have beer, smokes and you leave with less money than you came in with.
296. Scariest moment: flushing the toilet at someone else house, and the water starts to rise....and they don't have a plunger.
297. Sadly, my day requires pants...
298. I bought a new printer because it was cheaper than ink refills. Now I'm wondering how long before new cars are cheaper than fuel.
299. When I see someone jogging, I want to drive slowly down the road behind them and blast "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation.
300. Who else strives to accomplish something before the microwave is done?
301. Synonym - a word to replace the one you couldn't spell
302. Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, and no, I’m not sorry about your table
303. Lately I've been going to parking lots and putting sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watching their reaction
304. Bought a penis enhancement device on EBay...bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
305. Lost the bar trivia contest last night. The last question: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.