Musings

More of life's musings from Jessica Hazard and Carole Neil.

1. I only buy dawn dish soap, cause you never know when you'll come across a baby duck covered in oil.
2. Verbs are words with tempers
3. If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give that fuckwit a reason.
4. That #awkwardmoment when you realize you're walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets pretending you forgot something.
5. So I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
6. It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
7. So I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
8. I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say "Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?
9. If I were Harry Potter, I would spend all my magic giving strangers on the street sudden, explosive diarrhea.
10. NEW RULE... If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.
11. If someone was born blind, but has psychic ability, would said person have a sixth sense or a fifth one?
12. It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
13. If I'm forced to answer a question... you will NOT like the answer.
14. I hate it when your have to be nice to someone you want to hit with a brick.
15. Unknown numbers calling my phone and leaving 3 seconds of silence as a voicemail is the greatest unsolved mystery of my life.
16. Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
17. Is really disappointed that no one wished me a happy birthday today... But since it's not my birthday I guess it's alright
18. I haven't seen any posts about ninjas lately... Well played ninjas... Well played.
19. My hometown is the best. Except for the location, the weather, the architecture, the nightlife and the people.
20. There's a fine line between being funny and insulting. if you ever know where it is, please tell me, you piece of shit.
21. I'm so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
22. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
23. Word of advice, never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
24. "I before E except after C..." Weird.
25. If a redhead works at a bakery, he is in fact a ginger bread man.
26. Leonardo DiCaprio never died in Titanic. Last scene: him going underwater. 1st Scene in Inception: him waking up on a beach.
27. Scientific fact, if you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end... You'd die
28. I got a dig bick. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.
29. Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am... My attitude depends on who you are
30. There are only two occasions when people want to come over and visit me... When I'm sick... Or they're sick.
31. If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
32. I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid
33. New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you
34. Asking a question you already know just to see if the other person will lie.
35. When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.
36. Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small penis"
37. The easiest practical joke:buy a box of "snaps" (poppers) taping them to the underseat of the toilet, close gently.
38. Together I believe we can stop bathroom mirror profile pictures!
39. All I'm saying is... When I read what you've typed in caps, the little voice in my head sounds like Gilbert Gottfried
40. Whomever posted that status... "Dance like nobody's watching." I just wanted to say thank you... Now I have a pending court date.
41. I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
42. Things to do today: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.
43. If home is where the heart is... Then the garage is where the car is.
44. The other day, before the parade began... a little kid looking at a drag queen, pointing and screaming "OH MY GOD! IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!"
45. I feel sorry for kids now a days that see a toy on t.v. that they want but can't have... Cause their parents aren't 18 or older to order
46. A random toddler just waved at me. I didn't wave back. Welcome to life and all of its dissapointments you little shit.
47. Curling irons have a warning that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
48. I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all our missing socks.
49. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to punch other teenagers legally.
50. Just sold a lawn mower on Craigslist. That'll be the last time my neighbor wakes me up early on a Saturday!
51. 10 million strong and growing? I dont know about you, but I'm pretty sure these "Flintstone kids" are plotting to destroy us.
52. If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first
53. Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
54. Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."
55. Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly.
56. Now how can I go to sleep when I'm so enthralled with my shadow puppet show?!
57. I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.
58. Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "County sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
59. It would be nice to spend millions of dollars on schools and shit, but right now that money is desperately needed for political campaigns
60. Why buy a massage chair when you can just drive over the rumble strip on the freeway?
61. You know you've found the one when you're both perfectly content to sit in silence together playing with your phones
62. I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
63. Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
64. The "Slow Children Playing" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to toss in punctuation?
65. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
66. Ask your partner to remind you about stuff. That way if you forget it's their fault and not yours.
67. When doing an Internet search for the movie "Monsters Ball", make sure you put the "s" at the end of the right word. Trust me on this one.
68. The best way to change a woman's mind is to agree with her.
69. Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Tuesday.
70. If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
71. Having sex with someone then falling asleep for a few hours is NOT classed as a reasonable test of a bed prior to purchase.
72. If you get a piece of mail that says "open immediately" just wait a few minutes before doing so, it'll give you such a thrill
73. When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
74. Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
75. Technically, if you don't cut the cake, it's still one slice
76. A clear conscience is really just memory loss
77. If somethings hard to do, it's not worth doing
78. If you're not happy with where you are, move. You are not a tree.
79. Please try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.
80. The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
81. If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
82. Whenever you feel all alone in the world, remind yourself that you're a valued customer at several grocery stores.
83. Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
84. Just because you feel you ought to invite your in-laws over for Christmas, it doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
85. Some people are like old TV sets, you have to hit them until they get the picture.
86. Stopped in the Apple store to use the restroom... iPeed
87. In 2016, every Olympic event should include one competitor that was picked randomly out of the stands... It'll definitely get more viewers.
88. Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say " It's Jake, from State Farm"
89. Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff
90. So... I've decided!!! I am in definite need of a vacation... Too bad my bank account told me to go fuck myself.
91. When asked "What's Up" respond "An animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
92. YOLO = carpe diem for idiots.
93. If they just built prisons out of the stuff they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
94. LOLs and LMAOs are like orgasms... Most are faked.
95. I may not have much money or nice car. Fancy clothes? Not my thing. I do however confidently rest my head each night knowing I did your mom
96. It's a strange moment, when you realize the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals and insects desperately trying to get laid.
97. You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike Bar.
98. There is nothing more unconditional than the love given by a child who is trying to get ungrounded.
99. All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.
100. I hope marijuana gets legalized soon simply because I'm betting commercials would be hilarious!
101. Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.
102. When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.
103. Life isn't a fairytale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages & random pop-ups
104. To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a goddamn sandwich!
105. I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
106. Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
107. I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
108. Your penis enlargement pills must be working because you're a much bigger dick than you were yesterday.
109. Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
110. The best response to someone telling you to "turn that frown upside down" is definitely just to immediately spring into a handstand.
111. I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.
112. Of course I don't know how to act my age. I've never been this old before.
113. "I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
114. I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
115. Condoms... because that 1 girl you banged banged 23 guys that banged 389 girls that banged 1,089 guys that banged 7,021 girls.
116. Just checked my Farmville for the first time in two years. It's now a Walmart.
117. Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!
118. Damn you #autocorrect. You always make me post some thong I didn't Nintendo.
119. I stand in the jail cell, still shaken from what I've done. A shadowy figure appears "I hope it was worth it" as he tosses me a Klondike bar
120. Rule #4275 Always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out... BAM extra taco.
121. I don't believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I just believe in parties. ;-)
122. When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon. You're not a Jedi."
123. On a scale from 1 to 10, I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment
124. Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?
125. As I watched Transformers the other day... I couldn't help but wonder, Would an Autobot/Decepticon buy life insurance or car insurance?
126. The fact that 66 & 44 doesn't add up to 100 really pisses me off
127. I read a bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat or a disgruntled kidnapper.
128. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult decision, I ask myself "How will this affect my future E! True Hollywood Story?"
129. Honestly, the only reason I want to be famous is because I hate introducing myself to people.
130. I bet I freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
131. I have to assume the weeks leading up to Xmas will be incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.
132. I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
133. Did Bruno Mars end up catching that grenade? I haven't heard from him in awhile.
134. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.
135. Bill Gates pickup line in college:"Wanna see something that's neither micro nor soft?"
136. Growing up I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.
137. I'm a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Some day I'm gonna be awesome.
138. For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
139. Just a reminder.. If you wake up tomorrow morning my mission to save the world was successful... You are all welcome in advance
140. Fair warning: if you sit next to me when other seats are clearly available, I'm resting my head on your shoulder.
141. Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
142. Tip for the ladies at the bar: If you want a man to leave you alone, don't tell him you have a boyfriend.They don't care. Tell him you have a penis.
143. I like watching autocorrect go through all possible guesses of what I'm trying to text before it finally decides there's no hope for me.
144. If you think these upcoming elections will be nasty, think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.
145. I'm kinda disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad
146. If you've never had to consider the pros and cons of faking your own death, you're not really living in the first place.
147. Coffins are creepy unless you put fluorescent lights inside and tell people it will make them tan.
148. You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.
149. I set aside some time each day to humiliate myself in public. Don't you?
150. I'm 72% sure we'll only get married if relationship gets to the point where we need protection from legally testifying against each other.
151. Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?
152. I've always believed that there is good in everyone, and tried not to let anyone make me become jaded... Guess I'm pretty fuckin' naive.
153. Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
154. I'd like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
155. When you're at the store & you think you know someone but not sure. You keep looking at them and hope they don't realize you're staring at them.
156. I always wonder if anyone has watched Auction Hunters and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?
157. How much do you care about the environment? Join a "Share a Shower" water conservation program! #ConserveWater 
158. I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
159. Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
160. Who else is just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again?
161. If you can't read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that shit.
162. At Nickelodeon, they're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like
163. *Accidentally burns finger* - "Ouch that hurt" *Steps on a lego barefoot* -"AHHH FUCK! HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT! SON OF A BITCH! MAN DOWN!!! MAN DOWN!!!"
164. My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tushie,butt, rump, money-maker, hiney, derrier, gluttomus maximus and badonkadonk
165. If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
166. Are you Martin Luther King Jr.? No? Then shut up. No one wants to hear about your dream last night.
167. If "Cops" has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces, they're nothing but trouble...
168. My handwriting is so bad I could become a doctor.
169. Strange how people claim that they're independent, but depend on someone else for their happiness.
170. I like to spend time going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car asking, "What robot does that one turn into?"
171. Teach kids that "epic" is a bad word... We don't need anymore people saying that about anything.
172. I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized as well.
173. Yep, internet explorer can run faster than me.
174. I would rather play Russian Roulette than Monopoly. At least I know there's an end to that game.
175. There are some people that say "Love is magic". Keep in mind.. Magic is an illusion.
176. I never give money to the big pharmaceutical companies because they'll only spend it on drugs
177. Every time I wake up with a massive headache, I think to myself... "I've had another encounter with the MIB again."
178. I'm pretty sure drunk chicks are breaking some type of piracy law claiming that every song is their song.
179. If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
180. In Canada, if you say you're packing heat, it means you've got hand warmers in your gloves
181. Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
182. Every Saturday I spent the morning at the farmers market, carefully selecting fruits and vegetables that I'll be throwing away next Saturday
183. To all the parents out there... Did you ever wonder why Papa Bear and Mama Bear weren't sleeping in the same bed?
184. See someone you know in a store. "WHAT'S UP!" Walk around and see them again, Nod your head & slight wave. 3rd time, avoid all eye contact.
185. Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 5, so you can choose.
186. If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
187. I don't trust anyone that sleeps with just one pillow.
188. Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.
189. There is no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
190. When you're watching TV and they say "Don't try this at home." Say "Okay." Then go to a friend's house and try it there.
191. I have the unparalleled ability to do absolutely nothing while simultaneously fucking everything up.
192. I'm perfectly capable of wasting my own time, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.
193. Probably the most disappointing thing about growing up is realizing that pianos don't literally fall from the sky on top of your arch-enemy.
194. Dr. Seuss could've been the greatest rapper of all time.
195. Love is always worth fighting for, unless of course, you're the only one fighting for it.
196. The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.