Thursday, April 7, 2016

Werewolves

Many European countries and cultures have stories of werewolves, including Albania (oik) , France (loup-garou), Greece (lycanthropos), Spain, Mexico (hombre lobo), Bulgaria (valkolak), Turkey (kurtadam), Czech Republic/Slovakia (vlkodlak), Serbia, Montenegro, Bosnia (vukodlak / вукодлак), Russia (vourdalak , оборотень), Ukraine (vovkulak(a), vurdalak(a), vovkun, перевертень), Croatia (vukodlak), Poland (wilkołak), Romania (vârcolac, priculici), Macedonia (vrkolak), Scotland (werewolf, wulver), England (werewolf), Ireland (faoladh or conriocht), Germany (Werwolf), the Netherlands (weerwolf), Denmark/Sweden/Norway (Varulv), Norway/Iceland (kveld-ulf,varúlfur), Galicia(lobisón), Portugal/Brazil (lobisomem), Lithuania (vilkolakis and vilkatlakis), Latvia (vilkatis and vilkacis), Andorra (home llop), Hungary (Vérfarkas and Farkasember), Estonia (libahunt), Finland (ihmissusi and vironsusi), and Italy (lupo mannaro). In northern Europe, there are also tales about people changing into animals including bears, and wolves.

The legends of ulfhednar mentioned in Vatnsdœla saga, Haraldskvæði and the Völsunga saga may be a source of the werewolf legends. The ulfhednar were vicious fighters similar to the better known berserkers, who were dressed in bear hides and reputed to channel the spirits of these animals to enhance effectiveness in battle; these warriors were resistant to pain and killed viciously in battle, much like wild animals. Ulfhednar and berserkers are closely associated with the Norse god Odin.

In Latvian folklore, the vilkacis referred to someone transformed into a wolflike monster which could be benevolent at times.[citation needed] A closely related collection of stories concern the skin-walkers. The vilkacis and skin-walkers probably have a common origin in Proto-Indo-European society, where a class of young unwed warriors were apparently associated with wolves.

Shape-shifters similar to werewolves are common in tales from all over the world, though most of them involve animal forms other than wolves. See lycanthropy and therianthropy for more information.

In Greek mythology, the story of Lycaon provides one of the earliest examples of a werewolf legend. According to one version, Lycaon was transformed into a wolf as a result of eating human flesh; one of those who were present at periodical sacrifice on Mount Lycaon was said to suffer a similar fate. The Roman scholar, Pliny the Elder, quoting Euanthes,[5] says that a man of Anthius' family was selected by lot and brought to a lake in Arcadia, where he hung his clothing on an ash tree and swam across, resulting in his transformation into a wolf, a form in which he wandered for nine years. On the condition that he attacked no human being over the nine year period, he would be free to swim back across the lake to resume human form. The two stories are probably identical, though we hear nothing of participation in the Lycaean sacrifice by the descendant of Antaeus. Herodotus in his Histories[6] tells us that the Neuri, a tribe he places to the north-east of Scythia, were annually transformed for a few days, and Virgil is familiar with transformation of human beings into wolves.[7] In the novel Satyricon, written about year 60 by Gaius Petronius, one of the characters recites a story about a man who turns into a wolf during a full moon.

Common Turkic folklore holds a different, reverential light to the werewolf legends in that Turkic Central Asian shamans after performing long and arduous rites would voluntarily be able to transform into the humanoid "Kurtadam" (literally meaning Wolfmen). Since the wolf was the totemic ancestor animal of the Turkic peoples, they would be respectful of any shaman who was in such a form.

According to Armenian lore, there are women who in consequence of deadly sins, are condemned to spend seven years in wolfen form.[8] In a typical account, a condemned woman is visited by a wolfskin-toting spirit, who orders her to wear the skin, soon after which she acquires frightful cravings for human flesh. With her better nature overcome, the she-wolf devours each of her own children, then her relatives' children in order of relationship, and finally the children of strangers. She wanders only at night, with doors and locks springing open at her approach. When morning arrives, she reverts to human form and removes her wolfskin. The transformation is generally said to be involuntary, but there are alternate versions involving voluntary metamorphosis, where the women can transform at will.

France had a multitude of reports of werewolf attacks -- and consequent court trials -- during the sixteenth century. In some of the cases — e.g. those of the Gandillon family in the Jura, the tailor of Chalons and Roulet in Angers, all occurring in the year 1598 — there was clear evidence against the accused of murder and cannibalism, but none of association with wolves; in other cases, as that of Gilles Garnier in Dole in 1573, there was clear evidence against some wolf, but none against the accused. Yet while belief in lycanthropy reached a peak in popularity, it was decided in the case of Jean Grenier at Bordeaux in 1603 that lycanthropy was nothing more than a delusion. The loup-garou eventually ceased to be regarded as a dangerous heretic, and reverted to the pre-Christian notion of a "man-wolf-fiend".

Some werewolf lore in France is based on documented events. The Beast of Gévaudan terrorized the general area of the former province of Gévaudan in south-central France (it is now called Lozère). From the years 1764 to 1767, an unknown entity killed upwards of 80 men, women and children[citation needed]. The creature was described as a giant wolf by the sole survivor of the attacks, which ceased after several wolves were killed in the area.

The lubins or lupins of France were usually female and shy in contrast to the aggressive loup-garous.[citation needed]

In sixteenth century Prussia, Livonia and Lithuania, according to bishops Olaus Magnus and Majolus, the werewolves were far more destructive than "true and natural wolves", and their heterodoxy appears from the Catholic bishops' assertion that they formed "an accursed college" of those "desirous of innovations contrary to the divine law."

Wolves were still found in England as of 1600, but became extinct by 1680. At the beginning of the seventeenth century the punishment of witchcraft was still zealously prosecuted by James I of England, who piously[9] regarded "warwoolfes" as victims of delusion induced by "a natural superabundance of melancholic".

Werewolves in European tradition were often innocent and God-fearing folk suffering from the witchcraft of others, or simply from an unhappy fate, and who as wolves behaved in a truly touching fashion, adoring and protecting their human benefactors. In Marie de France's poem Bisclaveret (c. 1200), the nobleman Bisclavret, for reasons not described in the lai, had to transform into a wolf every week. When his treacherous wife stole his clothing needed to restore his human form, he escaped the king's wolf hunt by imploring the king for mercy, and accompanied the king thereafter. His behaviour at court was so much gentler than when his wife and her new husband appeared at court, that his hateful attack on the couple was deemed justly motivated, and the truth was revealed. Other tales of this sort include William and the Werewolf (translated from French into English ca.1350), and the German fairy tales Märchen, in which several aristocrats temporarily transform into beasts. See Snow White and Rose Red, where the tame bear is really a bewitched prince, and The Golden Bird where the talking fox is also a man.

The power of transforming others into wild beasts was attributed not only to malignant sorcerers, but to Christian saints as well. Omnes angeli, boni et mali, ex virtute naturali habent potestatem transmutandi corpora nostra ("All angels, good and bad have the power of transmutating our bodies") was the dictum of St. Thomas Aquinas. St. Patrick was said to have transformed the Welsh king Vereticus into a wolf; St. Natalis supposedly cursed an illustrious Irish family whose members were each doomed to be a wolf for seven years. In other tales the divine agency is even more direct, while in Russia, again, men are supposedly become werewolves when incurring the wrath of the Devil.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

THE FORCE ABILITIES OF DARTH SIDIOUS

Here's just a few of Palpatine's Force feats.

*Force Storms

 
* Force-based subjugation of ~20 billion sentients and the simultaneous leeching of their life energy

 
* Corrupting an entire planet, transforming it from a neutral territory to "one of the most powerful dark side sites in the galaxy"

 
* Blunting the Force sensitivity of ~10,000 collective Jedi for over a decade
* Slaughtering trained Force Jedi with a single bursts of Force energy on one's death bed.

 
* Disintegrating highly trained Sith acolytes with a single gout of Sith lightning.
* Destroying ~50 armored stormtroopers with a single gout of Sith lightning
* Shrugging off a Force-enhanced explosion from the energy of a Force-user powerful enough to manipulate a Star Destroyer.

 
* Manipulating the minds of seasoned thousands (perhaps millions) of fleet officers and members.

 
* Mindwipe the people of Coruscant to make them forget the burial of a star destroyer.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

CORUSCANT

The Galactic Center of Coruscant (pronounced /’kʊɹəsɑnt/), originally called Notron, also known as Imperial Center or the Queen of the Core, was the political hub of the galaxy for millennia. It was generally agreed that Coruscant was, during most of Galactic history, the most politically important world in the galaxy. At various times, it was the capital of the Galactic Republic, the Galactic Empire, the New Republic, briefly the Empire Reborn, the New Republic again, the Yuuzhan Vong Empire occupation, the Galactic Alliance, the Fel Empire and Darth Krayt’s Galactic Empire. These governments, that all controlled Coruscant, controlled the galaxy in the process.

A large number of the galaxy’s trade routes—including the Perlemian Trade Route, the Corellian Run, the Metellos Trade Route, the Koros Trunk Line, and the Leisure Corridor—went through Coruscant, making it one of the richest worlds in the galaxy. Tellingly, the planet’s hyperspace coordinates were (0,0,0), and the military designation was Triple Zero. Accordingly, it was the main planet of the all-important ‘Sector Zero’, a military designation for the Coruscant and surrounding systems.

The actual planet-wide metropolis of Coruscant was divided into smaller ‘cities’, (though each was the size of the average country by most standards). Among these was the administrative center, known as Galactic City, Republic City, Coruscant City or the City of Spires under the Galactic Republic, Imperial City during the rule of the Galactic Empire, and New Republic City under the New Republic, and later Yuuzhan’tar when the planet was under Yuuzhan Vong control.

Description

Surface
Geologically, the planet was composed of a molten core with a rocky mantle and a silicate rock crust. At its poles were huge ice caps that were popular spots for tourists.
The entire surface of Coruscant was covered by sprawling kilometers-high skyscrapers and cities, and boasted a population of over a hundred billion to several trillion, depending on the era. Following the end of the Clone Wars, an official census noted 1 trillion official permanent residents. The statistics did not include transients, temporary workers, unregistered populace nor residents of orbital facilities. Because of these omissions, the “real” population of Coruscant was estimated to be three times the official amount.
Night view of the Senate District from 500 Republica, c. 19 BBY.
Coruscanti skyscrapers dwarfed all the original natural features, including mountains, as well as floors of oceans which once covered a large proportion of Coruscant’s surface. Areas of Galactic City were broken up into levels, megablocks, blocks, and subblocks. Coruscant itself was divided into quadrants, which were divided into zones. Below the skyscrapers was Coruscant’s undercity, where sunlight never reached. Artificial lighting illuminated these lower levels and advertisement holograms could be seen everywhere. There were numerous establishments for entertainment, catering to a myriad of alien species. The residents were collectively referred to as Twilighters.

Water
Coruscant was once a world mostly covered in oceans. However, all natural bodies of water were drained and stored in vast caverns beneath the city as a result of years of overpopulation. The only body of water visible was the artificial Western Sea, with many artificially-created islands floating on it, used by tourists on holidays.

With no other bodies of water available to feed and water its trillion inhabitants, Coruscant’s architects, along with many others from around the galaxy, worked together to build a self-contained eco-system in the massive buildings set all over the planet. Polar cap stations also melted ice and distributed water throughout the planetwide city through a complex series of pipes.
Pipes bring water from Coruscant’s polar regions.
Manarai Mountains
One of the few pieces of Coruscant’s landmass that were left untouched were the Manarai Mountains, twin peaks that stuck up out of the ground near the famous Imperial Palace. The Manarai Mountains included the tallest peak, Umate; many floating restaurants; Monument Plaza; and were home to the Flames of Umate cult. It was beneath the Manarai Mountains that the Lusankya was hidden. The mountains were destroyed during the Yuuzhan Vong assault on Coruscant.

Neighborhoods
Galactic City was divided into quadrants, “several thousand” in number, with each quadrant further split into sectors. Each sector was numbered on official maps, but sectors often had nicknames, such as Sah’c Town (sector H-46, named for a prominent family that owned a large portion of its land) and The Works, the largest of Coruscant’s designated industrial zones. (Coruscant practiced zoning, which is the designation of specific areas of land for particular purposes, such as governmental and senatorial, financial (including banking zones), residential, commercial, industrial, and manufacturing. Manufacturing and industrial zones were typically the largest designated areas of the planet.) The Works was once one of the galaxy’s major manufacturing areas, where spacecraft parts, droids, and building materials were heavily produced during centuries, but as construction and industry became more efficient and cheaper away from Coruscant, The Works fell into disrepair. It gained a reputation as a hub of criminal activity and many locals stayed away from it. A similar, but more dangerous area, was the Factory District, which was once the industrial heart of Coruscant until it too lost out to competition from producers in other Core Worlds. By the time of the Great Jedi Purge it lay in ruins and was almost completely deserted of sentients, because of the feral droids that prowled its streets. It was located on the opposite side of the planet, and was much more dangerous than the Southern Underground, Invisible Sector, which were infamous in their own right. Another area of Coruscant was CoCo Town (short for “collective commerce”). Many diverse species lived there and worked in manufacturing. A partially enclosed open-air plaza near the Senate building, the Column Commons, was so-called because it housed most of the HoloNet and news media corporations.
The multi-layered surface of Coruscant.
Livability
Coruscant also orbited relatively far from its small star Coruscant Prime, ranging from 207 million to 251 million km. Thus, Coruscant did not naturally have a climate suitable for Humans. Coruscant’s Humans countered this by erecting a series of orbital mirrors that reflected the sun’s warmth and light. Several of these mirrors would be destroyed in the Battle of Coruscant during the Clone Wars, although it is unknown whether this had any lasting effect. It is known that thunderstorms and rain occurred during 19 BBY and 3 ABY, possibly as an effect of the altered sunlight from the remaining mirrors.

The planet produced trillions of tons of waste an hour. Though almost everything on the planet, from clothes to packaging and machinery, was recyclable, some waste was too dangerous to recycle such as worn-out hyperdrive cores were delivered to one of five-thousand garbage pits on Coruscant, there they were put into canisters and chemically shot into a tight orbit around Coruscant where garbage ships would collect them and transport them to nearby moons for storage. Some of the most dangerous materials were shot into the nearby sun and completely incinerated. Garbage not exported or destroyed was mixed into a slurry of silicone oils and processed by garbage worms who chewed it into pellets removing any remaining organics, plastic, or recoverable metals. They turned millions of tons of pellets into carbon dioxide, methane, and other gases. Another problem for a world like Coruscant was the unimaginable amount of carbon dioxide and heat energy that its trillion-being population generated each day, so thousands of carbon dioxide-reactive atmospheric dampeners were put into place in the upper atmosphere to prevent atmospheric degeneration. The first set of these planet-wide dampeners, developed by the Galactic Republic, was known as the Coruscant Atmospheric Reclamation Project.

Near the planet’s core were a number of massive power relay stations. The lowest levels were abandoned to mutants and scavengers, such as the cannibalistic, mythical Cthons. The foundations of many of the buildings, some of which weighed billions of tons, also extended deep into the planet’s crust.

Galactic Standard Time was developed on Coruscant and revolved around the hours in a single Coruscant day, 24, with 368 local days a year.

Public Safety
The Public Safety Department was in charge of preventing situations that might endanger the public’s safety. Fire fighting, rescue and cleanup was performed by the Coruscant Rescue Ops which dealt mainly with the tens of thousands of ships that were in the capital. Each planetary district maintained their own teams. Law enforcement was provided mostly by the Coruscant Police Force. They were assisted, at various times, by the Jedi Order, Judicial Forces, the Republic Security Force, clone troopers of the GAR, the Coruscant Guard, the Stormtrooper Corps, the Coruscant Planetary Defense Force, the New Jedi Order, the Galactic Alliance Guard, and Galactic Alliance Security. Police droids were also used. The CoCo District maintained its own constabulary force.
Panoramic view of the planetary cityscape of Coruscant from the High Council Chamber
Defenses
As of the Battle of Coruscant during the Yuuzhan Vong invasion, Coruscant had a four tier defense system. The first and “uppermost” tier was a series of mines. These were deactivated during the Battle of Coruscant at the behest of Lando Calrissian because he believed that they would do more harm than good, only to be reactivated by Calrissian later when the attacking Vong fleet was in the midst of it, thus trapping many more foes.

The second tier was a series of Golan Defense Platforms, mostly Golan II types. The command platform was dubbed “Orbital Defense One” and was larger than its cousins. Most of these were destroyed when the Vong broke through New Republic lines, including Orbital Defense One.
The third tier was a massive planetary shield, controlled by a series of relays on the surface of Coruscant. The shield seems to have worked by some kind of dispersion of energy released onto the shield. The Vong employed a tactic which involved waves of kamikaze ships crashing into the shield, overloading the relays, and effectively bringing it down.

The fourth and last tier was an array of rooftop turbolasers, akin to the point-defense systems on some capital ships. Some were operated automatically, others by Human gunners and astromech droids. Also counted was the proton bomb in the Chief of State’s office, which was detonated when Vong soldiers occupied the Imperial Palace. The explosion destroyed the building housing the office, and the data towers on Coruscant.

It is unknown as to whether the Galactic Alliance incorporated these same defenses during the rebuilding of Coruscant.
The Works landscape.
History
Pre-Republic
The very early history of Coruscant is a bit sketchy and is not well known. Coruscant was considered by many to be the Human homeworld. Millennia ago, the Celestials could have removed Humans from Coruscant with which to populate Corellia.

Around 200,000 BBY, the near-Human Taungs attempted to conquer the 13 baseline Human nations of the Battalions of Zhell. A volcano decimated the Zhell, the ash filling the skies for two years, so the Taungs adopted the name Dha Werda Verda (Warriors of Shadow) for themselves. The Human Zhell eventually recovered and drove the Taungs offworld.

One hundred millennia later, Coruscant was surveyed by the Columi, who dismissed the planet as a primitive disappointment, despite the already planet-spanning ecumenopolis of Galactic City. New buildings were built on the old. As a result, there was virtually no exposed land. In the forgotten underlevels of the city, there was darkness, pollution and crime. Higher up, there were government offices and penthouses owned by the elite. The lower fifty levels of the ecumenopolis is said to have last seen sunlight around 95,000 BBY.

Coruscant was one of many worlds conquered by the Infinite Empire of the Rakata, who used Human slaves to build the Star Forge in 30,000 BBY. Under Rakatan domination, the Humans of Coruscant’s colonization attempts were limited to sleeper ships, which ended up on Alderaan, in the Tion Cluster, Seoul 5, Kuat, Alsakan, Axum, Anaxes, Atrisia, Metellos, Corulag, and many other worlds. The Rakata were eventually decimated by a massive plague, leading to slave revolutions on Coruscant and other subjugated worlds.

Over the next two centuries, Coruscant was linked to other Core Worlds, including Corellia, Alderaan, New Plympto and Duro, by hyperspace cannons, via the Herglic Trade Empire. It was during this time that the Coruscant government peacefully absorbed the nearby Azure Imperium. During these pre-Republic years, the languages of Coruscant and its neighbors meshed to become Old Galactic Standard.
Coruscant at the time of the Great Galactic War
Early Republic
In 25,053 BBY, the Corellians and Duros invented the hyperdrive proper, allowing Coruscant to become the capital of a democratic union: the Galactic Republic. 53 years later the planet became the galactic centre, and remained the Republic’s capital for twenty five thousand years. Shortly after the formation of the Republic, the Perlemian Trade Route was mapped, linking Coruscant to Ossus and bringing the Jedi Knights into the Republic. Over the next millennium, the Corellian Run was mapped, linking Coruscant to Corellia and beyond. Blasters were also invented on Coruscant around this time, and the famous Galactic Museum was constructed in 12,000 BBY.

From the very beginning, Coruscant, as the Republic’s capital, was the primary objective in several wars. The earliest among these was the Tionese War with the Honorable Union of Desevro and Tion in 24,000 BBY, in which Coruscant was bombarded with Tionese pressure bombs. Other early battles included the Alsakan Conflicts, the Duinuogwuin Contention, the Great Hyperspace War, the Third Great Schism, the Great Droid Revolution, and the Great Sith War.

Following the devastation of Ossus, the Jedi Council took up residence in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, to which many Jedi relics from Ossus were taken. The Temple was greatly expanded, including the building of the original Jedi Council Chamber. The Temple was repeatedly expanded including in 3,519 BBY, 2,519 BBY (when the Jedi Archives were built), 2,019 BBY, and 1,000 BBY (when the Temple spires were finally fully rebuilt).

At some point, the Senate Rotunda was founded, replacing the previous assembly place. The exterior of this massive structure would survive the planet’s transformation into the new Yuuzhan’tar.
The Sacking of Coruscant in 3,653 BBY.


SOURCE

Monday, January 25, 2016

*Excerpt from "Sith Doctrine" by The Church of Sithism"

* From Sith traits section*

In the following sections I will be instructing you my Sith learner on the basic 10 Sith traits you must master to help become a powerful Sith.

1. Control- Control enables a harmonious containment of Force energy characteristic of present centeredness. It allows energy to flow freely in the direction desired. This dynamic is often measured in terms of constant inner control.
Pg.232

2. Discipline- Discipline consists of a marked ability to access and analyze strong and weak points in the environment, in others, and in yourself. It allows you to harness energy and it cultivates strength. The discipline of the Sith Warrior is the ability to remain vigilant, even under the most stressful conditions.
Pg.276

3. Patience- Patience is forbearance without laxness. It gives you the capacity to listen and wait. your silence grants you access to deeper knowledge, silent knowledge. It provides balance to keep other traits in check. As a result, the Force moves quietly within and without smoothly creating the circumstances you intent sets in motion. Without it you resurface into the ways of the sheep, with it you find power.
Pg.332

4. Balance- Balance requires you to tune yourself to the natural rhythms of the Force. In doing so you maintain your balance of self with your environment, letting you blend in with your surroundings never seeming out of place.
Pg.375

5. Will- Success in any endeavor results from proper accumulation and use of personal energy. The essence of becoming a Sith warrior is, trimming and shaping your life to the natural currents of the Force by reducing unnecessary expenditures of energy. Activating your will.
Pg.417

6. Ruthlessness- Unrestricted determination marks this trait. It is boldness without recklessness, command without arrogance, and is a basic premise of The Sith.
Pg.452

7. Cunning- Cunning involves examining a situation so you may get what you want without warping someone’s energy. Aiming for accuracy, you study the features of a situation and the forces influencing your battleground. You remain prepared and innovative. You need to know where you are headed and what you want to accomplish. Furthermore, cunning involves using the art of deception without being deceived. Without it you have to rely on other peoples assessments and conclusions. With it you develop resourcefulness and adaptability.
Pg.512

8. Sweetness- To balance ruthlessness and cunning you present a likeable facade. However this sweetness often belies that you have no pity. Without being condescending, to have cold, calculating eyes.
Pg. 559

9.....

*End of excerpt.*

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

People of Walmart

Joyce Joiner Todd
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Monday, January 4, 2016

CONFUCIUS SAY...


  • War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left. 
  • Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.
  •  Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out." 
  • A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. 
  • When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt. 
  • Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house. 
  • He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing 
  • Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
  • A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.
  • A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.
  • Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
  • Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
  • Man good at hooking worm is master bait-er.
  • One who is always constipated, is always full of shit.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted...and man who run in front of car get tired.
  • People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Musings

More of life's musings from Jessica Hazard and Carole Neil.

  1. I only buy dawn dish soap, cause you never know when you'll come across a baby duck covered in oil.
  2. Verbs are words with tempers
  3. If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give that fuckwit a reason.
  4. That when you realize you're walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets pretending you forgot something.
  5. So I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
  6. It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
  7. So I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
  8. I think it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say "Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?
  9. If I were Harry Potter, I would spend all my magic giving strangers on the street sudden, explosive diarrhea.
  10. NEW RULE... If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.
  11. If someone was born blind, but has psychic ability, would said person have a sixth sense or a fifth one?
  12. It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
  13. If I'm forced to answer a question... you will NOT like the answer.
  14. I hate it when your have to be nice to someone you want to hit with a brick.
  15. Unknown numbers calling my phone and leaving 3 seconds of silence as a voicemail is the greatest unsolved mystery of my life.
  16. Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
  17. Is really disappointed that no one wished me a happy birthday today... But since it's not my birthday I guess it's alright
  18. I haven't seen any posts about ninjas lately... Well played ninjas... Well played.
  19. My hometown is the best. Except for the location, the weather, the architecture, the nightlife and the people.
  20. There's a fine line between being funny and insulting. if you ever know where it is, please tell me, you piece of shit.
  21. I'm so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
  22. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  23. Word of advice, never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  24. "I before E except after C..." Weird.
  25. If a redhead works at a bakery, he is in fact a ginger bread man.
  26. Leonardo DiCaprio never died in Titanic. Last scene: him going underwater. 1st Scene in Inception: him waking up on a beach.
  27. Scientific fact, if you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end... You'd die
  28. I got a dig bick. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.
  29. Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am... My attitude depends on who you are
  30. There are only two occasions when people want to come over and visit me... When I'm sick... Or they're sick.
  31. If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
  32. I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid
  33. New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you
  34. Asking a question you already know just to see if the other person will lie.
  35. When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.
  36. Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small penis"
  37. The easiest practical joke:buy a box of "snaps" (poppers) taping them to the underseat of the toilet, close gently.
  38. Together I believe we can stop bathroom mirror profile pictures!
  39. All I'm saying is... When I read what you've typed in caps, the little voice in my head sounds like Gilbert Gottfried
  40. Whomever posted that status... "Dance like nobody's watching." I just wanted to say thank you... Now I have a pending court date.
  41. I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
  42. Things to do today: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.
  43. If home is where the heart is... Then the garage is where the car is.
  44. The other day, before the parade began... a little kid looking at a drag queen, pointing and screaming "OH MY GOD! IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!"
  45. I feel sorry for kids now a days that see a toy on t.v. that they want but can't have... Cause their parents aren't 18 or older to order
  46. A random toddler just waved at me. I didn't wave back. Welcome to life and all of its dissapointments you little shit.
  47. Curling irons have a warning that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
  48. I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all our missing socks.
  49. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to punch other teenagers legally.
  50. Just sold a lawn mower on Craigslist. That'll be the last time my neighbor wakes me up early on a Saturday!
  51. 10 million strong and growing? I dont know about you, but I'm pretty sure these "Flintstone kids" are plotting to destroy us.
  52. If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first
  53. Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
  54. Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."
  55. Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly.
  56. Now how can I go to sleep when I'm so enthralled with my shadow puppet show?!
  57. I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.
  58. Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "County sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
  59. It would be nice to spend millions of dollars on schools and shit, but right now that money is desperately needed for political campaigns
  60. Why buy a massage chair when you can just drive over the rumble strip on the freeway?
  61. You know you've found the one when you're both perfectly content to sit in silence together playing with your phones
  62. I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
  63. Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
  64. The "Slow Children Playing" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to toss in punctuation?
  65. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
  66. Ask your partner to remind you about stuff. That way if you forget it's their fault and not yours.
  67. When doing an Internet search for the movie "Monsters Ball", make sure you put the "s" at the end of the right word. Trust me on this one.
  68. The best way to change a woman's mind is to agree with her.
  69. Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Tuesday.
  70. If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
  71. Having sex with someone then falling asleep for a few hours is NOT classed as a reasonable test of a bed prior to purchase.
  72. If you get a piece of mail that says "open immediately" just wait a few minutes before doing so, it'll give you such a thrill
  73. When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
  74. Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
  75. Technically, if you don't cut the cake, it's still one slice
  76. A clear conscience is really just memory loss
  77. If somethings hard to do, it's not worth doing
  78. If you're not happy with where you are, move. You are not a tree.
  79. Please try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.
  80. The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
  81. If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
  82. Whenever you feel all alone in the world, remind yourself that you're a valued customer at several grocery stores.
  83. Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
  84. Just because you feel you ought to invite your in-laws over for Christmas, it doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
  85. Some people are like old TV sets, you have to hit them until they get the picture.
  86. Stopped in the Apple store to use the restroom... iPeed
  87. In 2016, every Olympic event should include one competitor that was picked randomly out of the stands... It'll definitely get more viewers.
  88. Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say " It's Jake, from State Farm"
  89. Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff
  90. So... I've decided!!! I am in definite need of a vacation... Too bad my bank account told me to go fuck myself.
  91. When asked "What's Up" respond "An animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
  92. YOLO = carpe diem for idiots.
  93. If they just built prisons out of the stuff they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
  94. LOLs and LMAOs are like orgasms... Most are faked.
  95. I may not have much money or nice car. Fancy clothes? Not my thing. I do however confidently rest my head each night knowing I did your mom
  96. It's a strange moment, when you realize the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals and insects desperately trying to get laid.
  97. You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike Bar.
  98. There is nothing more unconditional than the love given by a child who is trying to get ungrounded.
  99. All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.
  100. I hope marijuana gets legalized soon simply because I'm betting commercials would be hilarious!
  101. Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.
  102. When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.
  103. Life isn't a fairytale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages & random pop-ups
  104. To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a goddamn sandwich!
  105. I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
  106. Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
  107. I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
  108. Your penis enlargement pills must be working because you're a much bigger dick than you were yesterday.
  109. Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
  110. The best response to someone telling you to "turn that frown upside down" is definitely just to immediately spring into a handstand.
  111. I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.
  112. Of course I don't know how to act my age. I've never been this old before.
  113. "I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  114. I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
  115. Condoms... because that 1 girl you banged banged 23 guys that banged 389 girls that banged 1,089 guys that banged 7,021 girls.
  116. Just checked my Farmville for the first time in two years. It's now a Walmart.
  117. Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!
  118. Damn you . You always make me post some thong I didn't Nintendo.
  119. I stand in the jail cell, still shaken from what I've done. A shadowy figure appears "I hope it was worth it" as he tosses me a Klondike bar
  120. Rule #4275 Always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out... BAM extra taco.
  121. I don't believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I just believe in parties. ;-)
  122. When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon. You're not a Jedi."
  123. On a scale from 1 to 10, I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment
  124. Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?
  125. As I watched Transformers the other day... I couldn't help but wonder, Would an Autobot/Decepticon buy life insurance or car insurance?
  126. The fact that 66 & 44 doesn't add up to 100 really pisses me off
  127. I read a bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat or a disgruntled kidnapper.
  128. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult decision, I ask myself "How will this affect my future E! True Hollywood Story?"
  129. Honestly, the only reason I want to be famous is because I hate introducing myself to people.
  130. I bet I freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
  131. I have to assume the weeks leading up to Xmas will be incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.
  132. I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
  133. Did Bruno Mars end up catching that grenade? I haven't heard from him in awhile.
  134. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.
  135. Bill Gates pickup line in college:"Wanna see something that's neither micro nor soft?"
  136. Growing up I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.
  137. I'm a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Some day I'm gonna be awesome.
  138. For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
  139. Just a reminder.. If you wake up tomorrow morning my mission to save the world was successful... You are all welcome in advance
  140. Fair warning: if you sit next to me when other seats are clearly available, I'm resting my head on your shoulder.
  141. Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
  142. Tip for the ladies at the bar: If you want a man to leave you alone, don't tell him you have a boyfriend.They don't care. Tell him you have a penis.
  143. I like watching autocorrect go through all possible guesses of what I'm trying to text before it finally decides there's no hope for me.
  144. If you think these upcoming elections will be nasty, think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.
  145. I'm kinda disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad
  146. If you've never had to consider the pros and cons of faking your own death, you're not really living in the first place.
  147. Coffins are creepy unless you put fluorescent lights inside and tell people it will make them tan.
  148. You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.
  149. I set aside some time each day to humiliate myself in public. Don't you?
  150. I'm 72% sure we'll only get married if relationship gets to the point where we need protection from legally testifying against each other.
  151. Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?
  152. I've always believed that there is good in everyone, and tried not to let anyone make me become jaded... Guess I'm pretty fuckin' naive.
  153. Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
  154. I'd like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
  155. When you're at the store & you think you know someone but not sure. You keep looking at them and hope they don't realize you're staring at them.
  156. I always wonder if anyone has watched Auction Hunters and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?
  157. How much do you care about the environment? Join a "Share a Shower" water conservation program!  
  158. I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
  159. Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
  160. Who else is just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again?
  161. If you can't read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that shit.
  162. At Nickelodeon, they're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like
  163. *Accidentally burns finger* - "Ouch that hurt" *Steps on a lego barefoot* -"AHHH FUCK! HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT! SON OF A BITCH! MAN DOWN!!! MAN DOWN!!!"
  164. My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tushie,butt, rump, money-maker, hiney, derrier, gluttomus maximus and badonkadonk
  165. If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
  166. Are you Martin Luther King Jr.? No? Then shut up. No one wants to hear about your dream last night.
  167. If "Cops" has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces, they're nothing but trouble...
  168. My handwriting is so bad I could become a doctor.
  169. Strange how people claim that they're independent, but depend on someone else for their happiness.
  170. I like to spend time going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car asking, "What robot does that one turn into?"
  171. Teach kids that "epic" is a bad word... We don't need anymore people saying that about anything.
  172. I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized as well.
  173. Yep, internet explorer can run faster than me.
  174. I would rather play Russian Roulette than Monopoly. At least I know there's an end to that game.
  175. There are some people that say "Love is magic". Keep in mind.. Magic is an illusion.
  176. I never give money to the big pharmaceutical companies because they'll only spend it on drugs
  177. Every time I wake up with a massive headache, I think to myself... "I've had another encounter with the MIB again."
  178. I'm pretty sure drunk chicks are breaking some type of piracy law claiming that every song is their song.
  179. If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
  180. In Canada, if you say you're packing heat, it means you've got hand warmers in your gloves
  181. Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
  182. Every Saturday I spent the morning at the farmers market, carefully selecting fruits and vegetables that I'll be throwing away next Saturday
  183. To all the parents out there... Did you ever wonder why Papa Bear and Mama Bear weren't sleeping in the same bed?
  184. See someone you know in a store. "WHAT'S UP!" Walk around and see them again, Nod your head & slight wave. 3rd time, avoid all eye contact.
  185. Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 5, so you can choose.
  186. If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
  187. I don't trust anyone that sleeps with just one pillow.
  188. Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.
  189. There is no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
  190. When you're watching TV and they say "Don't try this at home." Say "Okay." Then go to a friend's house and try it there.
  191. I have the unparalleled ability to do absolutely nothing while simultaneously fucking everything up.
  192. I'm perfectly capable of wasting my own time, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.
  193. Probably the most disappointing thing about growing up is realizing that pianos don't literally fall from the sky on top of your arch-enemy.
  194. Dr. Seuss could've been the greatest rapper of all time.
  195. Love is always worth fighting for, unless of course, you're the only one fighting for it.
  196. The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.