The funny truth...

1. Republicans are like diapers: always full of shit. 
2. Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings, I let my wife sleep. 
3. Its not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
4. If Donald Trump ever looks confused, it's because he's thinking.
5. Baseball is the national pastime. It's just the kind of game someone deserves who has nothing better to do than to try to pass his time. 
6. I don't like going into general stores. They won't let me buy anything specific.
7. My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel.
8. Did you hear about the restaurant that opened up on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.
9. Sanity is relative, but NOT one of mine.
10. Political speeches are like steer: a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.
11. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, provided it agrees with me.
12. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... 
13. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. 
14. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely. 
15. If a man steals your wife, the best revenge is to let him keep her. 
16. Give me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a house full of dirt.
17. They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom. I believe it, because that's where I get the most resistance. 
18. The trouble with most families is that they have too much month left at the end of the money.
19. Some people are never successful. When opportunity knocks, they complain about the noise. 
20. Surprising fact: five out of three people have trouble with fractions.
21. Do lumber companies have a lot of board meetings?
22. Actually, it takes me one drink to get me loaded. Problem is, I can't tell if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
23. Patient: What's good for excessive wind, Doctor? Doctor: A kite!
24. Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
25. I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", but then I thought, "What the hell good would that do?"
26. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
27. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
28. I was stopped once for doing fifty-three in a thirty-five zone. I got off because I told them I was dyslexic.
29. My doctor has a great stress test. It's called "The Bill."
30. A boy threw eggs at Bieber and was arrested for disturbing the peace. No word on when Bieber will be arrested for existing.
31. If a quiz is quizzical, then a test is...?
32. I am having bad luck. The guy who was supposed to be working on my roof came down with shingles.
33. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
34. I have a friend called Sid who recently became the victim of ID theft. Now he's just S.
35. Don't worry if your a kleptomaniac. You can always take something for it.
36. When I was young, I wanted to change the world. Now I'm content with changing the channel.
37. If you dream in chocolate, I don't want to sleep in the same room with you.
38. We want what we can't have, which is why I don't want you.
39. Your efforts to change my mind failed. Better check the batteries in the remote.
40. The best place to admit you're wrong is when you are by yourself and no one can hear you.
41. I'm really trying to confront my issues with drinking, so please beer with me.
42. I feel the same way as the rest of you. With my fingers, mostly.
43. Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.
44. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
45. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
46. When a Jedi can't sleep, does he Count Dooku?
47. Dear animal lovers: what you're doing is illegal...
48. Never join a dangerous cult. Practice safe sects. PETA is a dangerous cult.
49. Crossing the road is like playing a piano. You have to C sharp or B flat.
50. Put Mexican booze in a birdbath if you want a Tequilla mockingbird.
51. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Sorry, I'm bipolar.
52. If you count on no one, no one will let you down.
53. Oh shit. I forgot the password on my moral code again.
54. I don't like chips from Kashyyk. They are a little too Chewie for me.
55. Darth Vader had his hand in destroying the right planet, but for Alderaan reasons.
56. You get what you give, which is why I don't give a shit.
57. If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?
58. No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early
59. I used to be conceited. Now, I'm perfect.
60. That bug up your ass allows me to hear everything.
61. Skydiving school is the only school where you have to drop out to graduate.
62. Why do people make mistakes when they are obviously not learning from them?
63. I don't ever recall having amnesia.
64. Sorry about the hole in your yard. I meant well.
65. Have the people who work for the March of Dimes ever heard of inflation?
66. For sale: broken quiz machine. No questions asked.
67. I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button
68. I would like to agree with you, but there's no point in both of us being wrong.
69. The only thing I'm taking for the team is a vacation.
70. Don't try to debrief me. I'm not wearing any.
71. Whoever said "words can't hurt you" hasn't been hit in the face with a dictionary.
72. Can't believe they haven't found a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake.
73. Something a person going in for surgery doesn't want to hear: 'Hospitals forced to make bigger cuts'.
74. What is your favorite mythological creature? Mine is an honest Republican.
75. The best way to get people dancing at parties is to hold up the line for the bathroom.
76. A house divided against itself is probably a duplex.
77. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
78. The best defense against logic is ignorance
79. Telling someone they are "one in a million" means there are 7,000 more of them out there.
80. Be a minimalist. It's the least you can do.