Zen thoughts!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.


6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.


16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short memory.


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1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


2. A day without sunshine is like, night.


3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.


8. He who laughs last thinks slowest.


9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


11. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


13. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


14. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


15. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


16. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...


17. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


18. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


19. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.


20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines